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Beginner Confessions
Hello there. I mean to make a few confessions here in the hopes of receiving some kind of feedback, positive or negative. I’ll begin by explaining my situation as best I can.
I’m Elixirated, turning 30 this year, a Scorpio/Cat, an artist, a gamer, and a single mother of an autistic four year old who is the center of my world. I’ve spent the better part of my life being confused as to who and what I am. I can’t remember a time that I had a real, solid goal, a true dream, a sense of great self worth, or was able to be myself in public or in private.
I was raised by my gentle, attentive step-grandfather who tried his damnedest to teach me my own sense of self worth. For twelve years from when my mother abandoned me with him as a newborn, he toiled to teach me how to be kind and strong. He was my closest confidante, my best friend, and I learned to value kindness and love over blood from him.
At twelve my mother appeared out of the blue and demanded to have me back. Thinking that I needed my mother somehow more thab him, my grandfather relinquished me. Within the year I was suffering verbal and emotional abuse. Within two I was psychologically scarring and being physically battered. I was being broken, I realize now, gaslighted and abused until I knew nothing but what an atrocity I was for destroying this woman’s life by being born and never being able to meet the lofty expectations she held for me. My biological mother was born and raised in Bangkok, Thailand. Being half asian myself, I had been safely raised to be dependent and trusting of my parental figures. A mistake in this case.
At sixteen, she attempted to arrange a relationship between myself and an older Asian teenager (Half Viet half Chinese) who blatantly offered her gifts whether financial or luxury items in exchange for my time. He courted her, in a sense, to have me and he had me brutally. Bondage, burning, cutting, beating, choking, physical, and psychological abuse went on for half a year. I still vividly recall screaming for my mother’s help and being ignored. Large spans of this abuse became black voids in my memory.
One day I called my grandfather to save me. Within a week I was rushed to the emergency room with an advanced, dangerous kidney infection that had developed from a UTI as I was never allowed to go to the bathroom directly after sexual abuse. I was put on a heavy regimen of antibiotics and connected to an IV for fluids and medicine. To this day my UT remains somewhat weak despite regular D-mannose doses and hydration.
I had trouble becoming attracted to people physically and became outrught repulsed by Asian men no matter how kind. I went through stages and experimentation with my sexuality, testing whether I might be homosexual, bisexual, or even asexual. I craved emotional intimacy but to this day in sexual intimacy while I’ve relaxed enough to enjoy it rather than suffering panic attacks, I am rarely if ever satisfied by it.
Physical intimacy in vanilla relations is always a quiet, silent thing no matter how engaged. Partners asking for input or response, seeking signs of satisfaction leads to a burgeoning sense of anxiety. This almost always ends with distance and disappointment on both sides.
I am ashamed to admit that I discovered my preferences through the frustration and disappointment from a boyfriend in my early twenties. Following our first sexual encounter I hesitated when he asked if I had orgasmed. When pressed I admitted that I had not. This made him tearful, confessing angrily that when two people loved each other it was supposed to happen naturally.
He took to the internet and ignored me for a day or so. One day he blew in, demanded authoritatively that I should undress, and began with harsh conviction. It took two hours between my blown out anxiety and past fears rising their ugly heads to climax under his hands. This became a regular practice, aggressive and dominating, never hurting but always focused. He was quick to catch me when I lied and learned to read my body better than any other.
Through his efforts my satisfaction came down to a science, where I became so conditioned to respond to his assertions that I might finish within a matter of moments. Much of what he came to apply was similar to the abuse I had suffered before, and in spite of everything he was an amazingly intuitive lover. His direction eventually extended beyond the bedroom into daily life, giving me motivation and reward for successes and punishment for failures. This went on for nearly a year.
One day after exploding in and taking me rather brutally he broke down again. He claimed I was broken and only responded when he hurt me. Within a few months he left me and I sunk into a deep, self-loathing depression that lasted years longer.
A few years ago I learned about D/S from a friend who lived in the lifestyle. BDSM appealed to me although not in the open or polyamorous sense I often saw it presented. I had no desire to test Doms, as most of them immediately provoked my fears which in turn had developed into a deep sense of aggression. None seemed to understand that I desire structure, direction, a partner, someone to take my control from me and someone confident and loving enough not to buckle under their own uncertainty. I need the correction but I need it to be done with love, not for self gratification alone.
Now, I’ve found someone who naturally gravitates towards this and who genuinely cherishes me for who I am, flaws and all. He is a firm yet doting person with an incredibly high libido (six times in the span of a few hours Q.Q) that I can barely keep up with.
I admitted that this lifestyle was something that has appealed to me for years, I struggled to put into words qhy it means so much to me and he asked me for more information much of which has been sourced from husDOM and subMRS. His trepidations have turned to keen intrigue as he’s come to realize that this lifestyle does not need to be polyamorous or violent and degrading, that it can in fact be doting and monogamous and constructive.
He wants to begin discussing rules and a contract to clarify our goals, desires, and limits. He’s taking this very seriously which is an amazing, wonderful feeling to me. That he might want it as much as I do and in the same exact ways is indescribably enheartening.
Unfortunately, I’ve read and researched a great deal over the last few years but always with the mindset that it was an impossible fantasy. Now that it’s here I have no idea where or how to start. I feel shy and anxious again that he might also see me as depraved or difficult as soon as I begin truly submitting to him.
I have a young son who lives with me and we will be limited in how far or how hard we can go for another month or two when we can consolidate into an apartment together.
He’s expressed concerns about how much and what sort of things we can do in the mean time besides outright play to prepare and to maintain what we establish. I’m glad that he’s willing to write things out but I don’t know what to suggest. Tasks? Scheduled power exchanges? More research? My brain is flat lining.
Is there a rough suggestion checklist of the kinds of things we should start doing or conaidering somewhere?
Thanks for reading.
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1 Reply
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Ixi, I’m so glad you’ve found the right dominant for you. I believe the keywork is love. Love is not only an emotion. Love is the act of giving. Giving charity is love, feeding your kids is love, giving your help to a friend is love. That being said, understand the difference between love and passion. When you crave for someone’s body, it’s passion, that’s obvious. But when you crave for someone’s company, mind or affection, it’s passion too.
Putting them in lines we have:
Passion: I want him.
Love: I want him well.
One word here makes all the difference.
Now that you know what love is about, I have a question for you: If love is about giving, isn’t the act of giving yourself to someone else the greatest act of love ever?
So Ixy, do this for me: stop being afraid of submitting to him to the edge, stop holding back, just because you’re afraid he is going to see you as a depraved dirty woman. Discuss this with him. Maybe your fear is there because this is how you feel about yourself when you want to be a sub. You feel a little dirty. Stop. As I said, giving yourself is the greatest act of love, not something depraved at all. Tell him this. Being submissive is lovely, and you have a great potential of love, a potential other women that can’t submit to their men will never have.
Make it clear for him and for yourself that being submissive is not having a dark fantasy about rape or something like that. Love is serving and giving, and you want to be able to serve him and give yourself completely to him because THAT is how much you love him!Success! Love yourself as the lovely person you are!
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