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BDSM vs. Sexual abuse
Sexual Abuse VS BDSM
A sexual abuser may show overwhelming control that’s almost enough to do anything to get away. On the other hand, a Dominant will show control in a way that may be both exciting and secure. Sexual abuse and BDSM- an overlapping acronym that stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominant and Submissive, Sadist and Masochist- are both considered to be physically and mentally unhealthy, but both are very different in the way of full consent, circumstances of the situation, and the mental health of the sexual abuser and the BDSM dominant.
Full consent means that both parties agree to what is happening. A sexual abuser doesn’t care for full consent. The sexual interaction is based solely on his/her desires. Generally in an already sexual relationship, the sex starts becoming more of a demand. The victim feels unsafe and the sex or sexual interaction is undesirable and unwanted. Along with no full consent given, more often than not safe words are not used and if they are, they are ignored. Unlike a sexual abuser, in a BDSM relationship the Dominant is given full consent by the submissive. A Dominant makes the submissive feel excited, safe, and confident. To better make sure that nobody gets hurt or pressured into doing things, a set of hard and soft limits are given stating the willingness to engage in certain activities. Hard limits are lines that will not be crossed. It’s a way of saying one is not comfortable with where the situation is going. Soft limits are a list of activities that are considered to be tried. Safe words play a huge role to testing limits. When a soft limit or a sexual scene are becoming too much for the submissive and making him/her feel uncomfortable, a safe word will be used to let the Dominant know it’s become too much.
The circumstances of the sexual and emotional situation in a sexual abusive relationship are quite different in the fact that it is on the abuser’s terms, it’s not planned, and there is not any down time after the fact. What I mean by own personal terms is that, the abuser will not take no for an answer and the sexual interaction is when they want it. The victim does not get to decide for themselves whether or not it’s good timing. The sex is generally very violent and unexpected. The abuser does not take the time to care for his/her victim. Down time is the time to recuperate and talk about what had happened. In a sexual abusive relationship, this does not happen. The victim is left alone to think about everything that had just happen and how he/she feels about it. On the other hand, a BDSM dominant takes the time to plan out the scene and how he/she plans to take care of their submissive during and after the play. The terms are mutual which means that both the submissive and the Dominant understand what’s going to happen and they are both aware that the other wants the scene as well. The Dominant schedules a down time to discuss the scene with the submissive. According to http://www.subMrs.com, downtime is a time spent between the dominant and submissive to discuss how each other felt during the scene and what one another could work on. The complete opposite of a sexual abusive relationship.
The difference in mental health of sexual abusers and BDSM Dominants is substantial when compared to each other. A sexual abuser’s mental health is proven to be to past experiences of anger and violence (aaets.org). Even though they may seem normal, once you get to know a sexual abuser their anger and violence starts to show more and more. Most sexual abusers are said to be narcissistic and very self-centered. The anger issues that come with the narcissism, proves that sexual abusers could not go through enough therapy to become civil in a relationship. Their mental health is also said to be linked to physical abuse in their earlier years. In contrast to the BDSM Dominants, who underwent a study in May of 2014 that showed there is no evidence that BDSM is linked to psychological problems. In the study, the participants were told it was a human behavior study between “vanilla” and BDSM practitioners. There were roughly 600 BDSM practitioners and about 300 “vanilla” that were involved with this study and answered a series of questions about human behavior. With this human behavior study, it shows that people that practice BDSM are more extroverted, more open to new experiences, and more conscientious. It proves that BDSM practitioners have low levels of rejection sensitivity, higher levels of wellbeing, and higher levels of secure feelings in comparison to the general public and sexual abusers (livesceince.com).
At the end of the day, the differences between sexual abusers and BDSM dominants in the situations of full consent, circumstances of the sexual situation, and the mental health are very eye-opening. It also show that with a little bit of research on these two different kinds of people and an open mind on may learn new things about this newly desired lifestyle. -
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