BDSM after Sexual Abuse

[june]

Hi Neko-
I’m not an expert and don’t pretend to have a definitive answer, but I think some people who have experienced abuse (sexual or other forms) can find a healthy sense of release through D/s and/or kink. At the root, D/s is a power exchange and a person who has experienced abuse could possibly find it liberating to experience a power exchange because it gives a sense of control. As a sub, I know that there is power through my submission and that I can take my power back at any moment. I have a choice. People who are victims of abuse frequently do not have or feel they have a choice. As for triggers in an unhealthy way, I’m sure that’s possible too. I don’t think there’s any hard and fast rules when it comes to what you are asking. I think it will vary from person to person, situation to situation.

It seems logical that there is published literature on this subject to better answer your questions.
Hugs,
june

[nekomata]

Thanks June… I was told something like that a little ago.

Doing a little bit more research I went and checked on other websites what survivors had to say about it and I found some certanly attracted but also clearly disturbed by their choice of copying mechanisms, specially whenever porn was part of the mix since most of them would choose something violent and non-consentual, this made it rather difficult for them to come to terms with a sexual inclination that seems to follow said pattern, at least in what we can call the “average” understanding of BDSM.

On the other side, I found that people with a previous background of selfinjury felt attracted by the masochism in BDSM yet weren’t able to fully reconcile with it, they would mention their selfinjury and would take as their masochism were something bad and basically a sickness they needed to get rid off. Most of them are or were in therapy so I’m guessing something will come out of that.

A couple mentioned they tried the lifestyle and despite the fact that they were no longer practicing they felt it wasn’t as bad as they had initially thought it would be… that they were surprised and happy with the outcome, just that as time went by and they left behind their trauma and insecurity the BDSM lifestyle stopped being so important or necessary. That surprised me, I wonder if it was like medicine for them and now that they feel better they think it was already enough of that and they want something else in their life…. maybe something that doesn’t remind them of who they were?

Now I have a new question yet it goes more into the dominant side of the force… what do dominants think about this? do they feel uncomfortable with abused subs? are there any points in this that might need addressing when you meet a new dominant or need to talk about with your husdom? besides a safeword and all… like for example, what to do in case something goes wrong or a negative reaction is met? Considering a background of abuse would they think it’s not good to hurt the person any further or would they on the opposite feel tempted and pleased by an idea of a person who likes to be “abuse” even if they don’t really act on it.

[june]

Hi again-
Not sure how to answer your questions about Doms and abused subs other than it is up to both parties to communicate clearly and honestly with one another at the start of any relationship – be it playtime or exclusivity. Safe, sane, and consensual. Part of being safe means honest communication.

Again, just my two cents. Good luck on your research.
june

[Unknown Member]

Hello Neko,

First only very few know this story but I’ve been over it along time ago and learn’t a lot from it even though it was hell and I lost a lot. I have also gained something more valuable in my life that I could ever have imagined I deserved…. so I won in the end!

And I’m only writing this in hopes that it may help someone else and answer your question. I can only give you my true experience in this particular area and BDSM has no connection in my life with the abuse I went through except it was my free choice to enter into it and it wasn’t forced upon me.. First I can not recall my father because he died when I was five years old and my mother remarried when I was seven. My mother told me that the man she remarried was my fathers best friend, now my mother was a small women and my step father was a big man and a well know man. I also had a brother that was younger than I and that made up our family at the time. I loved my parents and was spoiled to death by my step father and there wasn’t anything I didn’t have or wanted that I didn’t receive from him . My Stepfather was a well know man in the community and else where and my family was considered the perfect family in the community. My parents also had two more children… my sister and my younger brother. Things were great, we were happy growing up and I had perfect grades in school,I also went to a catholic private school and had plenty of friends and life couldn’t have been better. But than I turned fifteen and my life turned a complete 360, It happened one Friday night when I came home as normal and got ready for bed and closed my bedroom door to go to sleep. Just as I was falling asleep my door to my room opened up and my step father came in and I thought he was just going to talk to me about something I may have forgotten to do or about my school work. He sat on the edge of my bed and ask my to listen to what he had to say because it was for my own good. He told me that what he was about to do was for my benefit so that when I met a boy that I liked and that If I ever had sex that it would never hurt that the first time. Before I could respond or do anything he called my mother into the room and told her to hold me down why he proceed to undress. I couldn’t comprehend what was happening at the time because these were the two people I loved and believed would all ways protect me. That was night my step father first raped me, repetitively as my mother didn’t help me but stood and followed his commands. When it was over he told my mother to leave the room and she did as he said and not once did she look at me or say a word. My stepfather proceed to get dressed and told me that if I ever told anyone what just happened that they would not believe me. That I shouldn’t think about running away because my younger sister that was sleeping in her bedroom would take my place….than he walked out of the room and closed my door and left me in a bloody mess. That night was the worst night of my life and it didn’t get any better. I stayed in that room for two days alone and was totally fucked up, I could not understand what I did wrong or what I had done to deserve what they had done. When I could finally try to over come what had happened and function I went to our priest and I sat in his office even though I was confused, scared and crying as I tried to explain what had happened to me by my parents to him and the mother superior. What I got in return from our priest was how could I be sitting there telling such disgusting lies about my fine up standing parents I had and what my step father had done for the community and us children. I was screwed and what I believed in religion was nothing but lies to me now and I lost trust and belief in everyone. I thought about what my step father had told me and believed everything he had said that night that know no one would ever believe me. He came in my room at night at least three times a week some times four for two years, my mother started drinking and would take her guilt out on me physically, verbally and mentally, it was a my fucking nightmare I lived with everyday. In those two years my grades dropped I started drinking and separated myself from anyone I knew. I would go and hope to god I would drink myself to death and even started doing drugs and pray to just die. But the only thing that kept me living is that I loved my sister and I cared about her welfare and I would never let him do what he did to me to her. I quit school in my final year to get even with my mother because I knew how important graduating meant to her.In those two years my mother would break brooms over my back,slap me across the face, throw coffee mugs at me in her drunken rage when he wasn’t home because she blamed me for what happened and her fucked up life. Than one night I went to the beach with a bottle of Southern comfort and sat in the same area alone like I always did to get drunk and a boy appeared and came over and sat near me. I didn’t even bother to look at him, he sat there and introduced himself and just started talking and I never said a word to him. He sat there for over two hours. I got up staggering and went to walk home which wasn’t far and I never noticed he followed. The following day I stepped out of my house and he was sitting on the curb and I asked him how he found where I lived. He said he followed me to make sure I got home ok and if I was all right…I told him to get lost. He came back every day and just sat there and waited for me to come home and than one day after about a month I asked him why. He told me that I looked like I needed a friend and that he wouldn’t give up and he would wait til I would sit down and just talk to him as a friend. So after about two weeks I did sit there and I asked why he was doing this and not to even touch me. He said that he was a track runner and he would run at the beach and that he seen my one day and new I was the one. To make this story end I’m going to tell you that I did finally talk to him and he became my best friend and I finally told him what happened to me and he told me not to worry that he would figure something out. He worked three part time jobs to rent an apartment across from where I lived, walked into my house told my step father he knew what he was doing and that I was leaving with him and that if he ever laid a hand on my sister he would be sorry. He told me to pack up my thing and that I was leaving with him now. I was 17 he was 19 I moved in with him and he never once even tried to kiss me or touch me, all we did when he came home from work was talk or watch tv together. We also slept in different rooms and he only got that apartment so I could keep an eye on my younger sister until she was older enough and was out of my parents house. It took me a year and a half before I could get up the nerve to make the first move to kiss him, but in that year and a half he listened and never gave my pity he helped my work through my hatred and he made my believe that it wasn’t my fault and made my take my life back and the power that my step father held over me. That boy is my Sir and husband today and I wanted D/s not because of what happened to me but because I wanted it and that it was my free chose and I am a masochist not because of my past but because it just is, its not because it gives me release of feeling guilty if anything its help me to understand I hold the power. Or that I have to hurt to feel because I don’t, if anything I feel more free. My D/s is because I thought it would expend our marriage and take it to new heights and strengthen what we as a couple lost through the years….the bonding and closeness. It was easy for me to be submissive and to trust and communicate with the man I know would never hurt or take advantage of me in fact it was the total opposite. A very few know this story but now you all know it and I tell it now openly because the past holds no power over me. I took me life back because if you don’t learn to love yourself again and believe you did nothing wrong and have faith and trust in yourself….they win and you will live your life being controlled by the people who abused you for there own gratification….so I say fuck that…. and take back the power that is yours to control.

Also my step father died was I was was 25 and my mother I never seen until me sister said she was dying and wanted to talk to me, so I went to see her and the first thing I said was why. She told me it was because she was afraid of him and what could she do and ask me to forgive her and I couldn’t so I left. When she died I wanted to clear my life and know that they made me the person I am today, so I paid for her burial and made peace with myself because I will never let anyone other than my Sir hold that power over me again.

I hope this helps the ladies out here know that you can survive and take back your life… but you can be the only one to do that for you.

Lt♥

[annie]

Dearest, Brave LT:

You are so beautiful, brave and wise. My sisters and I also were raised in a sexually abusive atmosphere. Nothing occurred in our home as wickedly devastating as what you endured, but left the scars nonetheless. My mother was complicit in other ways. Our stepfather was a violent drunk who tried any way he could to get to us. He had an old Super 8 video camera and would get drunk and as a “fun family event” would put on music and insist that we girls dance for him while he recorded it. Our mother insisted we do. As the music continued he insisted we stripped to our underwear and dance. My mother did and MADE us do the same. We were LITTLE girls. Years later, 30 to be exact she sent us all a video she had made of it. I was sick to my stomach and threw it out.

I’ve always had a touch of warrior in my soul so when I reached teens and this man began to touch me inappropriately and make me feel frightened – I let him know in no uncertain terms that I would end his life any way this “sweet young thing” could and I would scream it to the world what a prick and pervert he was. He left me alone after that. Unfortunately, my little sis was not like me. To this day she is unable to verbalize what happened to her when “daddy dearest” insisted mom let her accompany him on a special get away. She was never the same and to this day has not been able to find happiness. We’ve tried to reach out to her but she says she will not talk about it. Other men in our family tried to touch me but met with the same response.

Like you, my submission is out of love and trust and it to my Beloved husband ALONE. There is NO other man on this planet I would submit to. In fact, the truth is I would so Dominate their ass if they even tried. This submission I have for Beloved is pure, it’s my nature – the one that was buried when those of my past tried to take what wasn’t given.

As a mother myself, I know that there is no way she didn’t know – I KNOW when something is amiss in my home. She was an ostrich about all of this, complicit at times and ignorant at others. She has spent years trying to “buy” back our love but the truth is I forgave her years ago. The unforgiveness was poisoning me and had no effect on her whatsoever.

I am so very touched by your story and your HEALING. My prayer is that your submission and your love continue to grow and shine forever – as brightly as it does right this minute.

Love to you,
Annie B

[nekomata]

Lt, before you told me a little bit about this and I can only say you’re indeed brave and strong, more than anything; you are an inspiration for many who are struggling with the pain of abuse or struggling with the effects it leaves in your life. I thank you deeply for sharing your story and for sharing it as to help me and others to find our ways and heal. This is something other people should know… so they could stop feeling ashamed of themselves or afraid of their tastes and personalities.

Thanks for your comment too Annie, it is good to know this difference between D/s and abuse is not something imagined or misunderstood but obviously something real to many who practice it.

Of my one personal story I have to say… I don’t remember shit… pardon my french.

Since I was very little I felt different and odd. I remember my life back in Peru and I remember it being so pleasant, so happy… like everything was fine, but also I remember thinking of my grandmother and my time alone looking at the stars as if I was trying to hide from something and it was odd… you know? what was I trying to hide from? My grandmother once said “You used to smile so much before, you’re still little, there’s no reason to be so serious all the time” and so I thought I don’t know… why I am this way…

I accepted I was an odd bird since I was little, my parents were constantly angry at me, constantly disappointed because of me… I used to wonder, why I am this way? I realized I didn’t trust people, I didn’t believe grownups and more than anything I didn’t stand being touched by teenagers. Always wondering why was I different… I tried to let myself forget, forget everything that made me feel strange… like those erotic movies I started to fawn over at age 7, or the fact that I was playing “rape” with my barbies, or playing “kidnap” with my dolls, writing “rape” stories with my twin sister at age 9… and those horrible nightmares I would get whenever I slept in my bed… and the even worst nightmares I could get if I slept with someone else… I ended up sleeping in the couch or sometimes the bathroom over some blankets or towels.

To top it all I was bullied in school and at home during my early teenage years… I tried to kill myself 3 times, and since that didn’t work I thought I still had things to do, but I wanted to suffer… I needed punishment… so I started to hurt myself at age 13 and I continued to do it, abusing pills, cutting myself, to the point were those two things were vital to me, I would masturbate 5 times a day and I would cut myself double the times until my first year of college when I got scared… my latest wounds were too deep and took a long time healing, I thought I could have an infection so I went to get them checked and the doctor pointed me to the counseling department. I started seeing psychologists from them on, with irregularity but I did. One said I should get myself checked by a gynecologist… that’s how I found out what happened… those nightmares were somewhat real.

I cannot be touched when I feel weak or hurt, I can barely cry, I hate Inu-sama saying he loves while we have sex… it makes me sick to my stomach to hear it, I have to be careful when I ride in crowded buses since I still get panic attacks from being too close to the other sex. Sometimes when Inu-sama says something… or does something is like I get a flash of pain and a memory I cannot grasp that makes me feel sick… and small… and vulnerable… making me wish to get away, to get as far away as possible from the situation… specially from Him… making me lose every sexual desire. It got to a point were I feared for my marriage… if he didn’t feel satisfied by me he could end up looking somewhere else and that my heart wouldn’t be able to take. Counseling has helped quite bit… yet the sexual issues still stand… and although I discovered what I wanted since before I met Him there’s been a couple persons who said it was a bad idea considering my background… like, what if I damage myself further?

Truth is… it scares the shit out of me… I don’t want to remember and at the same time I want to remember… but not that way… and I still can’t feel at peace with what happened, it makes my blood boil to feel I have no power over my own emotions, my own reactions, because it’s so inside me, like it’s in my own blood and I cannot fight it… I hate who ever did it! and I hate that I cannot trust my own family knowing someone did it and that person must have had access to me and my sisters alone, unsupervised, unprotected, who was him?! I feel like knowing it could break my heart forever… yet not knowing is also quite hurtful. Inu-sama feels bad about this… he wishes he could help me yet we’re both clueless on what to do. I have yet to close that chapter and opening this new chapter in our lives is making me feel uneasy at times. I trust him… don’t get me wrong… I just… don’t trust myself…

This post is mainly my own selfish desire to figure this thing out… but I also hope it will help other like me… who are struggling with this.

At least, I no longer feel ashamed or bad over my own desires, my real me… this wish for submission that I feel. I understand it’s only for Inu-sama and only because of him, I know that now, I wouldn’t give this to anyone else and I wouldn’t give myself to anybody else but him.

Thanks again girls… you’re really something.

[littlegirlkn]

You are all such brave, beautiful ladies!

I, too, suffered sexual abuse as a teen and in my twenties. It wasn’t until my marriage of 16 years was on the rocks because of stupid behavior on my part that I realized the self-destructive tendencies I have.
I grew up in a fairly strict home, unable to date or wear makeup until 16, no hanging out with other kids in the local hangouts, etc. Once I graduated high school and started college, I became somewhat of a wild child.
I started hanging out in the local clubs (at the time you could go to clubs at 18), and started falling for all the wrong guys. I would do whatever they wanted. Just to keep their attention. Which usually only lasted a few weeks, until they got bored with me.
Then I met one guy my age. From the start I knew he was dangerous, but I didn’t care. I should have though. It started out like most of the other relationships I’d had, but it soon changed. He would get very physical during sex…pinching my boobs, belly, and butt had enough to make me cry. He’d force my mouth down to his penis and shove it all the way in. It didn’t matter that I was gagging and choking, he got off on that.
Then things took a darker turn. He started inviting friends…male friends…out with us. He would make me have sex with him right there with his friend in the room. He even “offered”

[littlegirlkn]

Sorry for the break in my post. Stupid phone.

Anyways, he started “offering” me to his buddies, like I didn’t have a say-so in the matter. Mercifully, none took him up on it, but he did get a few offers to pay for my “services” after hearing what a kinky little slut I was. I told him not no but hell no. I wasn’t about to be prostituted out by him.
Things didn’t get much better. He was constantly degrading and criticizing me. One summer afternoon, I’d had enough. I told him off, and the whole time he sat there, just playing with his lighter. Once I was finished, he just looked at me blandly and asked it I was done. The whole time he had his lighter lit. When I told him yes, he promptly stuck the hot lighter head to my leg and burnt me. He told me he had just branded me and that I was his to do with as he pleased.
Not long after that, I was finally able to break free from him. But, I just tumbled into one bad relationship after another, including a 5 yr affair with a married man.

[littlegirlkn]

Grrrrr!!! Phone!!!

At the end of the affair, I met my wonderful hubby. Five years my junior, but he was as mature as most men my age. I finally ended the toxic affair and started a life with the man who would be my husband.
Somewhere along the line, I blacked out all those traumatic experiences from my past. It wasn’t until I almost ruined my marriage that things came back to me.
I was headed down the road to self-destruction once again. My beloved husband sat with me and we talked about why things had gotten so off-kilter with us. I decided to open up to him about my past, and my self-destructive tendencies. It was during that discussion that I remembered, and I sobbed as I relived every moment of the relationship with my tormentor. I finally remembered how I got that scar on my leg, and why I couldn’t stand for my husband to touch my head when giving him oral.
Not once was he judgemental. Just the opposite. He held me and let me cry and told me it wasn’t my fault. It was then I knew what I needed, what I felt was desperately missing from our marriage.
I had tried to be in control of everything in our marriage, and was at the point I just couldn’t anymore. I needed Him to take over and be more assertive…dominant…in our marriage. I talked to him about the lifestyle, and how I felt I needed Him to dominate me and let me submit to him.
We began researching, and found that a Daddy/littlegirl relationship suited us best. He gives me the comfort and support I need, when I need it, and in turn, I submit to Him fully.

[littlegirlkn]

Dadgumit! Dang phone submits whether I’m done or not!

To conclude, we are both new to this, and I’m still trying to figure out how to get him to be more Dominant without feeling like I’m topping him or trying to take control again.
I love my Daddy, and I love the cuddles and attention, but I’m still needing more from him.
I hope my story will help someone out there.

My deepest gratitude,

LittlegirlKN

[nekomata]

Thanks for you comments all. They help.

[mishelle]

Hi all – this is my first ever post so it may serve as a bit of an introduction to me as well. I was *sexually abused* by my grandfather starting at about 18 months of age and this continued until I was 16. It was frightening as I knew it was something that I could *get in trouble for doing*; it was erotic as I experienced many many powerful orgasm before I was even 5 years old; it was guilt-inducing as it had to be kept a secret and it made me feel very disconnected from my superficially normal and white-bread upbringing. A huge amount of emphasis was placed by my parents on me *being good* and obedient and dressing demurely and obeying my elders etc which fed in to my grandfather’s desire for me and his ability to make sure I kept it a secret. I also feel that my parents excessive emphasis on obedience laid teh foundation for me to be *taken advantage of* .

I tried to be have *normally* once I became consensually sexually active with boys my own agt at about 17 although my friends would tease me that I always sought out men 20 – 30 years older than me! LOL However I was very reluctant to allow myself to be dominated in any way as my trust in men was pretty non-existent. I attended many feminist workshops and began to feel that I was a victim and there was something deeply wrong with the fact that I had experienced such sexual pleasure at the hands of my abuser.

Thus for the next 25 years I had *normal* relationships with men who were not all that pleasant but I never had an orgasm. It seemed like that was the trade off to no longer seeing myself as a *victim* – no orgasms! but normality!

Anyway when I met my HusDom – with whom I have been blissfully married for the past 12 years – all that changed! I can only orgasm in the context of total trust and surrender on my part – and very caring, committed, loving Dominance on his.

[little_one]

Neko, I was crying while I read about what you have gone through. Have you heard of dissociative amnesia? I don’t remember at all, except in dreams or when I am already moody and my husband tries to be affectionate.I am only barely able to be told “I love you” by anyone during this time and … it is 6:30am here, another night spent trying to stay awake, trying to stave off the nightmares. I don’t think I would have the strength to remember fully or to EVER E.V.E.R go through what Lt went through, but that is part of the DA, your mind shuts out what is too much psychologically to bear. The problem with this is that eventually it will catch up to you. I started ‘remembering’ at 15 when I fought off a wrestler in my high school bathroom who was trying to rape a girl. I don’t know what came over me honestly, I didn’t scream for help, I just started trying to kill him initially, I was full of fury in her behalf, she who was not even trying to safeguard herself with her hands up. Long story short I ‘woke up’ a month later at home. I had apparently been going to school, grades went from all A’s to failing, had been alive and moving but more like a zombie, like when you are driving somewhere and you just phase out and all of a sudden you are there. Problem was I didn’t remember any of it. Since then I have realized why I am who I am. Who did what to me, when and even why – they had been abused and hurting a five yr old made them feel in control.But because it took me so long to remember it all the negative affect on my memory has been harsh. Some days I wake up and it takes me a few minutes of crying and being held by my Daddy (not literal, I mean my husband) before I can remember where I am. If I had a suggestion at all it would be please to try and remember. It sucks, but having several memory lapses each day because my brain tried, and succeeded, in hiding the past from me for so long it deteriorated is worth avoiding. Oh, and as for your research on D/s and abusive pasts/motivation, I am a naturally DOMINANT person, always have been since being abused. I always took care of everyone else in my life, protected them, cleaned up their messes, helped them avoid more mistakes, a wiser-than-her-age girl, kids at school called me Mamma. But THAT was my coping mechanism. That IS my coping mechanism. Whenever I start ‘mothering’ is when my Daddy knows either I have had a bad night or another memory has emerged and immediately he sits me down to focus me and tells me what I am doing as it is natural to me and I don’t notice it. I guess you would say it is a downtime for us, one that involves many tears, hugs, hot chocolate and Disney movies but no ‘I love you’ yet (we have it down to a science now) He has been doing this the whole of our 8 yr marriage, resetting me when I need it, though I admit that I only told him the truth of my past a yr ago. I have known him since we were 3 yrs old and it took me that long to trust. It was the D/s that helped me get there. I had read FSOG and realized that many elements we were already incorporating and whenever I was reset by him I craved more more more. So yeah, I am a dominant daughter, granddaughter, friend and mother, but now I am a submissive wife. It is where I feel truly safe in the world … my addiction? My blood! I need it to be at peace. But hot damn this man loves me to have waited so patiently and fought back against me when I lashed out continually at him for so long insisting that I was fine and nothing had ever happened to me. I must be a lot of work for him still. I think I’ll go make him some nice breakfast : ) and try to stop crying, good tears now though. Thank you Neko and everyone who shared on here. and sorry for the rambling

[mishelle]

I am so in awe of everyone who has posted here – 1) for your refusal to let the abuses you have suffered define you or deprive you of the possibility of joy in the future and 2) for having the love, generosity and courage to share your stories here – thank you!

[nekomata]

Reading further into all this, plus the incredible comments from all of you girls I think I have a better understand of how this will work for me… and what to look out for. I really appreciate all of you coming and telling your stories considering they hurt and are something quite private, it has helped me a lot and it will surely help others in the same situation.

For anyone who is still struggling with the aftermath of abuse I suggest maybe visiting the ‘Pandora’s Aquarium’ page (can’t post the link… I think, but it’s quite easy to find if you google it) where you might find more information or help regarding other parts of the healing process.

LittleLily, perhaps you’re right… I have thought about remembering for so long a time… I can’t really make up my mind to do it, the pressure over my heart would really let up? or would the consequences kill it? after all… I still don’t know who did it and sometimes I think I rather not know than suffer… and make others suffer too… it’s complicated, I guess…

I’m not sure about how it would translate into your lives or mine, really, but I’ve read a couple fiction romance books that touch lightly the topic and maybe of use somehow. “The Dom’s Dungeon” and “Lean on me” (of the Masters of the Shadowlands series) by Cherise Sinclair, the characters have lived through abuse and are also submissive, I, myself felt quite touched by them and somewhat saw myself in those female characters. I think, maybe just as an outlet, it might be nice to read them. They are also pretty good books.

I have come to realize that communication becomes something more than just ‘key’ to a D/s relationship. Thinking on an advice I got sometime ago, a friend said to ‘do the opposite of what you would do in a vanilla relationship’ and if I’m honest, I’m not honest… I’ve kept quiet about my nightmares and issues, kept them hidden from my husband for so long, it’s difficult but it’s also been rewarding to break that and trust him with the knowledge of them, in consequence to that he knows my limits a little better and somehow he’s beginning to understand me better than I do myself… which is good. Eventually this will move on for a better D/s and for me to find the freedom I want and the domination I need.

To begin with, a task Inu-sama (my HusDom) has given me for the time being is to masturbate and have sex without my vibrator which is kind-of a ‘coping mechanism’ I use during sex but that has been giving me ample time to lose focus of what’s happening and eventually getting myself farther and farther away from release and reality. Next on the agenda… will be to find something else for my mind to focus on… Inu-sama’s idea is basically to starve me until I cave… maybe… but I will try my best to please him and break my dependance on that thing.

Another thing he has given me as tasks not related to anything sexual are to find new ideas (better ideas) to organize our things, a way for me to exert my dominance in our house and please my own stress to have control over my life in our relationship, somehow becoming the ‘master of my house’ while I serve him and his desires. Also, I’m to do exercise before going to sleep, running with our dog around 6 or 5 in the afternoon to get tired enough to sleep and then exercise with yoga or meditation and breathing exercises to improve my hours of sleep, which he hopes will help me with my nightmares and sleep time quality.

I hope anyone reading this also finds it helpful. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Love you all.

[cslim]

Thank you all so much for your posts!!! I am sorry, I can’t read them all right now, I might get too triggered, I am really very sorry I can’t read them, I feel terrible, because you have all survived so much, and I can’t even bring myself to honour your stories by reading them fully, I have scanned them… </3 I am still working on myself and have very recently started counselling, also, Mr is away, so I have no comfort right now either. I love you all for sharing your stories and support. I will share a little bit, I was raped, I don’t know how many times, I don’t know how young I was, possible before preschool, the first time was a teen or a man who was “caring for” my male cousin, I remember most of it in fair detail, I relive it less and less frequently. I was often left in the care of my 6 and 8 years older sisters, who often ditched me to wander around by myself. The next times were a family friend, actually a distant cousin, also a teen boy. I remember going to first grade and being taught about the “NO feeling” And I was shellshocked, WHY hadn’t anyone taught me about this before??? I was ‘turned out” for one trick, for a single moment on a single night, when I was 11 years old, wrong place, wrong time, inadequately cared for or watched over. I went through major promiscuity as a young adult and teen. I went through periods of major crippling depression, alcoholism, self hate, self sabotage, anxiety, I am still dealing with these things and I have recently found out also PTSD. I have abandonment issues. Ive dealt with insomnia since I can remember, my sisters had to dress me for school while I was still sleeping, I would walk out to the living room in the middle of the night to check the time even though I couldn’t tell time yet, I have always been hyper vigilant of my surroundings, which is exhausting. i started isolating at a very early age. I am working on myself, since I found Mr I found the first man I have ever truly trusted. I finally feel cared for, I finally feel secure, I finally feel like it won’t be a problem or a chore to be loyal and subservient to him, I have been with men who found my subservience annoying, or unattractive, people get attracted to me because I have a lot of bravado in the world outside, I think that built up as a defence mechanism over time. I got through life, by being disciplined in my thoughts, and that I Chose to “lose my virginity” at age 13, with my bf, who was very loving and patient, he wouldn’t have penetrated me unless I was absolutely sure. I am grateful or him, for waiting, for double triple fifth time checking, to be sure I was absolutely sure, he made love to me in other ways for months before hand. Thinking back, I think he may have been a natural Dom too, being so young ( he was 16), he probably didn’t know either, I’m glad he is the one I “lost my virginity to” Again, I thank you all so much. I really feel I have found a safe haven <3

[lauren-odell]

Thank you for posting this! As someone who is involved in the BDSM-M lifestyle after sexual (and verbal, mental, etc.) abuse it is wonderful to see this getting the attention it deserves. I think for me being involved in this lifestyle takes a negative and makes it better. For me having dealt with abuse, Sir is very careful to listen/observe, not only hear what I am saying but my body language is as well. In our scenes/playtime I am able to let go of the negative things that happened to me and make it more positive. Sir also understands when I need to step away from something or why it takes me longer to be comfortable with trying some new things that he may want to do. He has been super patient with me but it has paid off in the end and I have grown as a submissive.

Thanks again for sharing!
Sirsprincess15