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Ass-u-me: Getting in my own way
Three days ago, my Sir and I sat and talked about our dynamic, how we have grown together, the things that we have learned, would like to learn, etc. A wonderful heartfelt discussion of our D/s-M. Mhac and I discussed how we would like to incorporate a higher level of protocol when venturing out into the vanilla world. We have both noticed that we tend to slip back significantly when we are with family or a large group of people (like our band family) and it was sitting greasy on both of our stomachs. We didn’t touch on any specific things we would like to address, more generalized ideas that we could think on and hopefully discuss during Downtime. We made sure to reminder ourselves and each other, like our private D/s-M, that things shouldn’t be rushed or forced, that it was important for us to take our time, incorporate slowly those elements that we wished to maintain in a more public setting. In short, we gave ourselves a great bit of advice…….that we immediately disregarded. Sheesh!! The very next day, I made sure that I did my makeup, dressed like a presentable lady, was on my best behavior, a good proper public submissive. I did everything right! Right?!?! At the end of the day, I was feeling super sulky and rejected because I had put my absolute best foot forward and my Sir was not budging out of his chair to have his way with me, I had to remind him that I needed a shower….blah, blah, blah. Nag, nag, nag. Mind you, I’m still ‘being’ a ‘good girl’, respectful tone, seeing to his needs…but my mind was not where it should have been, my heart was not in it. Where was my validation and reward, damn it?? So what happened next? Mhac knew something was off..he always knows. I went to start my shower, I stripped down and there my husDom stood. He said not a word, just calmly handed me into the shower, coming in periodically to check on me and give me a drink of cold water while I showered in water as hot as my temper. Afterward, I stood for inspection, as that is our ritual. Once he was finished, I was told to kneel. I knelt, he put his fingers under my chin and again without a word I knew he knew that something was off. I cracked and started crying, telling him how I felt…small and unnoticed and like my best effort was still not good enough. He let me vent out all of the fog and smoke that I had created and then gathered me up into his lap, petting my hair and asked me why I hadn’t spoken up sooner. Why Katz, did you assume that I hadn’t noticed, that your effort wasn’t appreciated, that you had disappointed me? Why were you running without me? Oof! Uh-huh, there I was making assumptions and taking off with what I thought he meant instead of waiting, being p-p-patient and letting my husDom lead us to the next level. And now I’m all swollen-eyed and sad. So tonight, we sat in Downtime, again bared for my Wolf, so that we could calmly and patiently discuss what sort of protocol we want to incorporate into our daily lives beyond the safe confines of my Wolf’s den. We closed our DT with a few ideas to test out, with the understanding that we can and will revisit these changes regularly. That if something doesn’t work or feel right, it’s alright and we can keep testing the waters, changing the routine to make the vanilla world a little more D/s-M, even if it doesn’t know it. I fed my hungry Wolf well before he set off to begin his work week and my submissive heart is happy. Now if I could just stop getting in our way every other week…..
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4 Replies
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That sounds like wonderful progress, Kat! I love being able to see progress. Sir ᏩᏯ doesn’t usually remind me of things, he just stays quiet. So we talked about him reminding me, because I don’t usually realize I’m doing it, taking over is just my anxiety and old habbits. I’m eager to release that control once I realize it. Being patient and waiting for him is a big part of all that for me too. So much of what you said sounds like me. HUGS! You’ve got this! We’ve got this!
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Yes we do, sister!! Thank you!! Hugs and Muah!!
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Ugh, I feel as if I’ve written this myself. I’m definitely my own worst enemy. I’m grateful for the open communication this lifestyle affords us, because that is the ONLY way I’ve been able to keep my wits.
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Thanks for sharing. It’s so hard sometimes to not assume. Why we think our husDoms don’t notice things or our efforts is beyond me!
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