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A different Path
As many of you here now know, not long after we started our D/s- M journey Sir and I found out we were expecting our second child. This didn’t come as a shock since we were doing nothing to prevent it but it was hard for me not to be bummed a little about our D/s. I knew there would be restrictions to play but Sir tried to reassure me things would work out.
This pregnancy has been a lot harder than my first. I have had pretty regular morning sickness, a horrible sinus infection, the flu, and headaches that wouldn’t go away. So, at the very least things have been rough. Sir has been great every step of the way. At my side with anything I needed and encouraging me that we are going to get through this. After 5 months of being sick I was beginning to feel defeated. I had not been able to be myself, always tired and sick I was unable to be the submissive I wanted to be, or so I thought. Playtime hasn’t been on the table a lot and if it is not for very long or intense. Depression was setting in and I knew it was time to get help. After a week full of doctors’ visits, I am on an uphill climb. The fog is lifting and shedding a new light.
I love this community and how much you are encouraged to read. I couldn’t be happier that I decided to join the book club. The current book series we are on is what has lead me to my “ah-ha” moment. In the book the Dom is a sadist, but that wasn’t what intrigued me it was the way he trained him sub. This is the quote from the sub in the book that started my train of thought, “if he just wanted sex he would have taken me on day one, I have no doubt. But with D/s couples, the sex is the least of it. He wanted obedience, total submission. Keeping me a virgin waiting for him for so long proved he owned me even more than fucking me would have.” A little while ago Sir and I were having a vanilla fight. I was complaining about not getting enough attention and started attacking the fact we have not played much or ever had a scene. Knowing the whole-time part of the reason for that is because I haven’t felt well and he is trying to take care of me. When I said that he made the statement that I could not even keep his rules why would he give me pleasure? I smarted something back trying to make him feel bad and he walked off. At the time this infuriated me. Why should I follow his rules if I get nothing in return? I was being selfish and had tunnel vision. I want to play and try new things not follow his boring rules. Then I read that quote. Its was like all the anger melted away. It reminded me so much of my Sir and what he was asking of me. I have begged to be owned but I was looking inside the box. Complete submission is so much more than a being able to take a good beating and rough sex. I knew this but had lost sight of it focusing on my own desires and not what Mein Konig’s desires out of his submissive. My light bulb was flickering but not fully lite yet.
Then we had the couples S.O.A.P. chat! Sir and I really enjoy theses chats! We learn so much from others sharing their experience. After this chat I was humbled by all that my Sir does for me and how hard he tries to keep up with everything, which is not an easy task for any Dom. The topic of punishment came up. Before I had educated myself, I thought it necessary to be physically punished to really feel his dominance, I was wrong. Yes, I do enjoy a good spanking and my Sir definitely likes giving them but not because he has to use force to correct me. It bothered me that I was taking enjoyment out of something that he usually likes. I re-evaluated what I was asking for. I should not have to be corrected with force, the look of disappointment in his eyes should be enough to take me to my knees. I love this man and want to make him proud. The light was getting brighter. Change is on the horizon.
I try to get on subMrs everyday to check in and see how everyone is doing. If there are any new blogs or post to read. Sunday when I got on DarlingShay had posted the quote “A virtuous wife commands her husband by obeying him.” I felt so inspired. This was just want I needed to read. Shout out to DarlingShay for sharing! I got off subMrs to start the sequel to the next book for book club and this was the quote that made that light bulb shine bright on the path I was meant to be on, “Soren trained me for two years before he ever hit me or fucked me the first time, kid. Subs have to be as well trained as dominants if you’re going to do it right and not get hurt.” It is no secret of mine that when this baby gets here I want to dive deeper into pain play and see where the thresh hold crosses into pleasure. I want to feel his strength and absorb it but first I must learn to obey him. I am starting to understand the way he sees things.
This was not the path I envisioned when I started this journey but it is the one I am meant to be on. It was my thoughts that we would start in the bedroom and work our way out with D/s. Those are not my Dominates desires. His desires are complete obedience. He made the statement this weekend that he knew he had a lot of rules but that they are necessary. Most of his rules are centered around staying respectful and mindful, so I can’t say the I disagree with him. Over the past 5 years my attitude has gotten way out of hand always being the victim and not looking in the mirror at what I was doing wrong. I blamed him for so much when I was just as much at fault. This is not an easy road but one I am willing to take for Mein Konig, my Sir, my Dom. I know it is out of love that he requests this from me. As much as I was upset about pregnancy in the beginning I am now thankful for the slow pace it has made me travel. Without it I may have pressured Sir to do things he was not ready for and if he is not ready then I am not ready. We are a team. Complete obedience is now the focus of my submission. With obedience I will build my Dom’s confidence and find the beast that lays beneath. There is more to training to be a submissive than receiving pleasure in the bedroom. There is more to being owned than just being at the end of his crop. When I asked him to be my Dominate I pledge to submit not only my body but my mind and heart as well.
I am so thankful to have a community like this one that helps lead me to these moments of clarity. Without the sub-port of so many subbies I would be lost. I can’t thank you all enough for just being you and being here.
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