Why I can\'t go back
- August 25, 2015 at 12:14 am #20277HerSubjectParticipantRegistered subMrs™
I couldn’t resist being the one to dirty the pristine emptiness of this space…
I am a masochist. I ‘enjoy’ pain (well actually that’s not quite true – it frightens me, makes me moan and sob, makes me want to stop it… Until it does stop and then I want and need it again).
I can be fulfilled by a scene that contains nothing but pain. Yes, it can arouse me – my Queen quite enjoys slapping my penis harder and harder while I moan and twitch and my penis swells.
But I don’t need to be aroused or to orgasm to be happy with my pain. I need pain, want pain for how it makes me feel both during and after. It shuts down my oh so active mind, reduces my thoughts to breathing, maintaining position, obeying my Queen and sensation. My mind goes quiet.
Even as I gasp, or moan or cry out, stillness and peace envelope my mind, as the pain blazes in bright colours across my flesh. It is often almost more than I can bear – and yet never enough.
Even as my Queen finishes, my desire returns, my need for more. Even as I am held and soothed, I wish for more.
It is addictive, the feeling of being beaten, hurt by someone who loves you, by someone who enjoys giving you pain. Equally addictive is the release, the quiet in my mind, the silencing of that inner voice that always judges and critiques my actions. The physical feeling of weightlessness and well being.
I have found subspace through pain and I will not give it up. I cannot go back to a life of mediocrity, vanilla…
- August 25, 2015 at 7:45 pm #20291Anonymous
HS I total agree and feel the same way with sceneing and play also pain can be addictive and I don’t think we like pain per se. But the more we receive it to some of us it tends to grow on us. It becomes a safe haven and when we let go and give our mind, body and soul over to it we feel set free. I also believe when that happens the control we give out Dom/Domme also gives them strength in what they do and builds their character up in the role that they play it gives satisfaction to know they gave us we need. I also agree that it silences our minds because we are focused on the pain and our Dom/Domme. I am also the same that I love it so much that when I come down from subspace I’m kinda sad that my Dom didn’t keep pushing me more. But like I said before you will come to a point to say when is enough enough, how far can I go with taking pain and it scares the shit out of me to not know that answer. Am I addicted? Yes I am. Can I ever go back? No dam way. Will I want my Sir to push those boundaries? Yes I do. But I think that will take time for Sir because he is not a true sadist, Sir is growing into that role but even though the pain that Sir gives is with love and care. Sir will always worry about how far to push me. To me pain is like the rhythm of breathing, it soothes my soul and sets me free.
- August 26, 2015 at 6:49 pm #20309JulietRoseParticipantRegistered subMrs™
Great post HS! Same here, LT. Sir is not a true sadist. I love seeing him tap into his sadistic self. I love the feeling of pain because it allows an escape. It causes me to focus intently on FEELING! I can feel everything and the release is mind blowing! I am only beginning me journey down this path of pain and ecstasy, so I look forward to reading your entries. You guys know I love a roadmap!!! Thanks for this topic!
- August 27, 2015 at 6:12 pm #20323littleroseParticipantRegistered subMrs™
I love what you had to say about subspace. It is amazing and strange. My Dom and I only fully embraced the life-style less than a month ago. We made the mistake of letting it go when we had children. Accepting that I am a submissive not just in the bedroom, but in life was a huge epiphany for me. It meant accepting myself for who I truly was, and accepting Master as he truly is. Our power struggles that we had been having and the arguments that left us both disconcerted all made sense now. But now I am re-evaluating my life from a new perspective. Now that I understand that I am a submissive, I am trying to learn what being a submissive means to me. It causes me to look at memories where I enjoyed things that I thought I shouldn’t, in a new light. It also made my ask, “Why do I like pain?” Knowing that I do is not news to me. I have a bit of history with self infliction and I always felt badly afterward because I was told that you aren’t supposed to do that. Recently (kind of) someone who was helping me put to me a new idea. If it is the one thing that can get your mind to stop racing and can calm you down and can help you prevent yourself from doing something really stupid, why is it so wrong. Now, Master does not allow me to do that, and it something that I am glad to try to leave behind me. But when we are in the bedroom and I have had a frustrating day and I can’t get my mind to stop monkeying and worrying, we both know what will bring me calm. And bliss. And pleasure. Doing it myself brought relief, but never pleasure.
- September 3, 2015 at 12:05 am #20438brattyParticipantRegistered subMrs™
I too love this post, HS! So glad you wrote. My Master is somewhat of a sadist also and enjoys pushing my limits of pain and humiliation (which I happen to get off on.) I have always ben extremely turned on by spanking and punishment, even as a child when my parents did not use corporal punishment at all, sadly! LOL. I have known I was submissive since I was very young. I think children know these things and we as a society must learn to come to grips with children’s sexuality! Anyway… it is an extremely fine line between pleasure and pain. When we are spanked, whipped or flogged – anything which arouses the nerve endings to the buttocks and thighs, in turn stimulates our erogenous zones, causing swelling and lubrication. This is a fact. The endorphins automatically kick in, which is what sends us flying off into space. It is another curious fact that many submissives or “bottoms” orgasm repeatedly during a scene which is where orgasm denial comes into play with many Doms or Dommes. My Sir always wants to end playing with sex. But all I want to do is curl up and go to sleep, I am so emotionally and physically drained! What to do??? I must learn to accept that by being owned, this is all part of providing service to my Sir. I should want and in fact NEED to make him happy always before self-soothing and self-happiness. This continues to be a difficult concept for me, but one I look forward to “mastering” LOL.
- November 6, 2015 at 5:46 am #21280KinkerbellParticipantRegistered subMrs™
Just love your posts, thank you.
bratty I feel very much the same way, I am very impatient and have to learn a lot to first serve my master.
- November 8, 2015 at 7:18 pm #21321HDKParticipantRegistered subMrs™
Why I can’t go back… you said it LT… I’m addicted to the pain. For me it feels like a drug, I wanna fly! I wanna fly so high and so long. Sir has to bring me back, cuz I would never choose to come back myself. That thought alone is scary…on many different levels for me. For me even subdrop can bring me levels of pleasure, because for me it’s pain…just a different type. I drop when reality sets back in…I just can’t wait to fly again. it’s a craving only sir can satisfy. I only hope that time comes sooner rather than later.
- November 9, 2015 at 1:25 am #21325brattyParticipantRegistered subMrs™
It is indeed a drug to us and one can only hope our Masters are wise enough to not give us too much, because flying high too long or often surely is not healthy. Because then you will constantly crave more and more and more pain at greater intensity, HDK. Be careful. Listen to your Sir!
- February 2, 2019 at 12:30 am #31677AngieParticipantRegistered subMrs™
I crave the high pain/S&m play gives me. The feel of the leather the thud to the sting. It is a euphoria similar to the bite of rope bondage…
I’m one of those s-types that carries burdens for a week or more and after two weeks its time to have a cathartic emotional release.
Guilt & self-doubt is my biggest contributors to say here, help my mind calm for a bit.
- February 23, 2019 at 10:36 pm #34039star *Prema/SirJustinParticipantPremium subMrs™
I have not been faithful to read these forums the last few months, but reading them now just confirms that these are my people.
It took me several months to come to grips with how much I relished, needed, and craved the pain and Sir just as much time to realize the same in needing to give it, which has been our beautiful story of growth in our S/m dynamic.
I too feel all at once completely satisfied and left wanting after every play or scene. I can’t get enough. And yet I still doubt myself in how much I’d be able to take or if I’d ever even reach that point because no matter what occurred, when it ends I whimper in want of more.
Even more puzzling but ultimately what led me to acceptance of what I am is that I have the most intense orgasms from the pain alone without any other stimulation and you’re right, Sir loves the opportunity for orgasm control that results. That ability for release still puzzles me but is soooooo satisfying for both Sir and I.
I have discovered that the more intense the play, the higher I fly, but the harder and longer I drop too. Conquering this obstacle has been a challenge for both of us and an ongoing one at that. Work and progress with it will have to continue after this pregnancy though, as sessions have to be time and intensity limited or I get nauseous now 🙁
It feeds my soul to now that I’m not alone in this journey. Love to you all!
- March 8, 2019 at 6:48 am #34246Hisgirl*AMB/GHParticipantPremium subMrs™
Star, I loved reading your thought and how you came to the acceptance. Just like you, the pain flies me higher than any drug but also drops me like a bomb at times. That is when having a Sir who understands and can care for us is so important! I’m so happy to have you as one of my “people “
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