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The need to be fed
Hello everyone! I’m in need of guidance. My sir and I started our D/s journey five months ago. Things started slowly but very well. He really surprised me in his Dom role in the bedroom. I was pleased that he was receptive. I would send him sexy pics of me and links to videos and toys that I wanted to try together. He responded with interest and desire to learn.
Then we went through a spell where he was working a lot and things fell by the wayside. He wasnt focused on us. I understood I work full time too and my job is exhausting. However, we have to make our relationship a priority. We talked about it and I told him it meant a lot to me that he put thought into our D/s relationship. So things got a little better after some time. We had a few amazing scenes and I began to feel better about things.
But Then I started to begin to feel resentment. I was sending him pics and texts and always thinking about our D/s and my role as a sub. The trouble is this is a two way street. He was not participating in his role. I want to know he is thinking about us, about me. Lusting after me….planning scenes, texting naughty things to me, giving me orders to fulfill… This is what I want and need.
The resentment led to me giving less to him. I stopped rubbing his feet every night and fetching things for him. I didn’t…and still don’t think it’s fair. This is about pleasing one another. I enjoy pleasing him of course but I need that care in return or this is what happens…
I don’t know what to do. I know I need to talk to him but I feel like this is going to keep happening. I thought sending him to mr. Fox’s sight would help but no luck. He read the blog entries in the beginning but I’m pretty sure he’s stopped. I can’t keep giving and not be fed.
I’m hoping some of you will have some advice for me.
Thank you,
Lovelylady -
33 Replies
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Hello, Lovely Lady…..
This is normal in your journey… Learning roles and keeping the atmosphere.
My Sir read this and said he will post on this ASAP…
Just got back in town and I am ready to get to work this new year….
Have you read about “downtime” on my blog?
You sit and talk…. No judgments or defensive remarks aloud… Just talking as sub and Dom… Take the marriage out of this time.. Its professional and not personal… Tell him that you need to be fed.. Ask him to feed you. Please Sir I need fed. I’m beginning to spiral without having your control. Total upfront honesty. Ask him for what you need. Tell him of your resentment. Tell him that you want his Dominance. Even if you use sticky notes as reminders then you both should. Reminders to be submissive or reminders for him to keep the D/s “atmosphere”…. Is this helping?
I can go further if you need… I’m always here… HUGS… If you need more just e-mail me at LK@subMrs.com
HUGS… Always ask questions.. that’s why I’m here..LK
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Thank you so much LK. This is wonderful advice. He is sleeping now but I will talk with him tomorrow. It’s good to have someone to go to.
I will keep you posted!-
This is the Power Exchange Circle That my Sir and I talk about….
Use search bar on blog to find it… I will repost today if I can…. HAPPY NEW YEAR! 2014!!!!!
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I hope talking goes well Lovely! I don’t have anything to add to what LK said, other than lots of long distance support!
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Thanks for sub-porting Drakon!
You sub-porting my web-site means a lot!LK
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Thanks LK! I will look it up. I really do appreciate your help with this. We had a really good talk last night. 🙂 we agreed we both need to be more committed in our roles and to keeping this thing going. We set some “rules” down and I discussed my resentment and what I needed in return. He was very receptive and wasn’t surprised at all when I told him how I felt. He really liked the “downtime” suggestion. I think that will be very beneficial for us.
So we both have agreed to be more mindful and focused on one another and our D/s relationship.-
Look at my Sirs blog….
HUGS!
LK-
Mr. Fox is awesome! Great post and extremely helpful. I mentioned it to my sir but he hasn’t had a chance to read it yet.
I will keep you posted!
Thank you so much!
<3 -
Lovely Lady,
I was concerned about linking the blog post back to LK’s blog…
I hope that is alright. If it is not, please message me and I will make whatever changes that you believe are appropriate.
Best wishes,
Mr Fox
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My sir knows all about it. It’s completely fine.
My sir and I are so thankful for the guidance and support and we’re glad our experiences can be used as an example to help others.
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Thank you little dragon for the support. It helps me to be strong! 🙂
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Hello lovelylady.. Reading through the forum and saw your question.. Lk said it so perfectly… I too was once in your shoes… We or should I say I came out of the gate running.. My sir and I were on a good roll and we would take 1 step forward and then seemed we took 2 steps back. I felt like I was spiraling continuously… When lk and Mr Fox suggested downtime it helped tremendously.. I was always worried my sir did not have our D/s on his mind or that when were alone how could he not lust after me.. When standing in not much of anything.. I would be trying to do everything submissive and still was slow… Then … We decided to do downtime and that’s when I learned our D/s was a constant on his mind and that he was always lusting after me..however with his work schedule and the mental load his work put on him he was exhausted when returning home .. He said.. His mind knows what it wants but his body won’t allow it… So we decided to put into place a few rituals and rules to help keep us mindset… We still go slow and steady so that our journey is everything we want into be… My sir texts me every morning before I start work and makes sure some sort of D/s dynamic is mentioned or a request is given for the day… This helps both of us so if nightfall comes and my sir or myself are so mentally drained we know neither have forgotten our roles… Small steps makes for large strides!!! I hope hearing from another newbie helps.. We are all learning as we go… Lk and Mr Fox are the best mentors!!! With lots of sub-port!!!
Can’t wait to follow your progress!!
Sweetness-
Thank you Sweetness for the kind words and support. It does indeed help a lot.
You’re right. It’s definitely a learning process and I am working on being more patient. It certainly is a challenge but I know we will both be rewarded in the end.
We are both looking forward to the downtime very much. I think it is going to be a great benefit to our D/s relationship.
I like the text idea. I’ll definitely mention that to my sir.
We had an awesome mini scene after our talk, which also helped of course! I needed a reset and we needed that communication to happen as well.
I’m really excited about what lies ahead!
Thanks again!
Lovely lady-
Lots of good advice here lovelylady, the first year can be a bit of a roller coaster. This is a lot of hard work, emotionally at first, but it will even out as your communication skills get better and more natural to you both. Remember, your Sir is learning too and even the most experiences Soms fumble at times. All your hard work will pay off though. 🙂
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Sweetness,
Thank you for your openness, I absolutely understand the continuous spiraling and a busy husband. You have opened my eyes that I do need to express how I exactly feel, and not feel left out, and not sexy because he has such a hard day at work. I will refer back to this post often, to keep me in the right mindset. Job schedules change, kids get sick, crap happens; but we always have each other. thanks again
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This is all very personal and hard to share for fear of judgment, but I’m trying this thing called “I’m too old to care what others think about me”…….
My Sir and I went through this too. It became exhausting to do my part, be his submissive, and help him stay on track too. (Then you’re called topping from the bottom…very fine line….. and unfair) I started to feel, ya know, like that relative you’re forced to spend the Holidays with, but dread like the plague. After 29 years I felt it was just too much for me to handle on my own and quite frankly, its BDSM, it works best with two participants. Starting a BDSM lifestyle, that he suggested, after 29 years of Vanilla, was cruel and unfair to put on my shoulders alone. Days turned into weeks and it turned into “Leading my Leader” and that was all I could take. I can barely keep my head afloat without nudging/forcing/reminding my husband to do something he clearly wasn’t into anymore. I shut down completely. The worst part was, he gave me a taste of the good life and then he disappeared. I felt 100% defeated and mad as fuck. I followed my leader right back to our old ways. I’m not going to lie and sugar coat this, I was pissed beyond imagination and I let him know it. I had meaness in me that I didn’t think I was capable of expressing. I was furious because I’d shared things I’d never shared before. I trusted him with all that I had, and until BDSM, I thought I’d already done that. I told him about fantasies I’d never EVER planned on sharing. I felt like a woman, beautiful, safe, protected, wanted, desired…..GONE. It felt like the ultimate betrayal. Things got seriously ugly before it got better, but…….
One day I stopped, took a deep breath and said, “You want the life, then live it, I’ll follow.”
I felt cleansed. I gave it all back to him. I was done and exhausted. It was either he does something about it or he doesn’t. Either way, I’d survive, but I couldn’t live with anger anymore. I’m thankful that I had enough left in my heart to give it another try. I stopped all research, left that part up to him and spoke directly “to” Sir (not “at” him) about our life together. I didn’t want any outside influences as that seemed to put a lot of pressure on him. Instead, we now research together. Discuss concerns that he’s in control of 100%. He’s finding our way the way he wants and I love that. I’m finding out who “he” really is and that’s amazing. (twisted kinky Fuck) Patients is how I submit now.
Hugs,
Pooh-
Con’t….
I also want to add that…. what we did to solve our issues is, in no means, a recipe or guideline for anyone elses relationship. Our solution and outcome seems very different than everyone elses, plus I couldn’t tell my story without being raw. I figured, we’re all into BDSM, what could I possibly write to offend anyone. I had to be real, so I wrote from my guts. I do, however, want to explain a few things……
What I mean by “I stopped researching” and ” no outside influences” is……I was doing everything I could to hold on to our BDSM life, but it got worse and worse when I’d ask for advice and quote my findings to my husband. Eventually he told me, “You were expressing someones elses intimate solutions, those were not “MY” thoughts. I couldn’t lead by another mans rules!” He felt like I was choosing whoevers advice I liked and manipulating our roles. (maybe I was subconsciously, control freak?) I rushed him with my constant research, got way ahead of him before he could firmly plant his dominance. Yes, I have a natural submissive nature (still shocked), but I was a control freak for 28 years of our relationship, so I also had not firmly planted my submissiveness. He said the word “BDSM” and I hit the ground sprinting….left him in the dust. So, in retrospect, it was no-ones fault. I was just too excited and didn’t let him just do his Dom thing.
So, do what you need to do for “your” relationship. It might get worse before it gets better, but this time around, I listen to him before I listen to anyone else. I think very carefully before I ask personal advice concerning my Dom. His feelings, even thought we don’t know any of you, are intimate, unique, valid, real. He needs to know that ‘some things’ are just between us. 🙂 Again, that’s just us. This is just out story.
Hugs,
Pooh-
Pooh,
Thanks so much for sharing, that is an extremely personal post, and I really needed to hear it. My Sir has also been upset with me for telling him (which I thought I was suggesting)… What other couple do, and how they feel and what we “should” be doing according to me. I really got my feelings hurt when he said, “I don’t want to know what they think, I want you to tell me what you think.” Since this open communication is very new for me, I had rather not tell him everything for fear of being judged or made fun of. Which he probably would never do, but it is an irrational fear that I have. I broke down last week, got very angry and asked him if he wanted to have a D/s marriage. I yelled and cried and had a terrible breakdown. He after breaking my heart and telling me he was doing this just for me, realized he wanted this too. He told me I am not giving up, we ARE doing this, this is how it will be and this is what is best for me. I was so relieved to not have to worry anymore. So, back to my original thought, sorry, I digress… Each of our beautiful, kinky, loving, sexy relationships are our own. I need to not compare myself to others, which I constantly do. This is each couples personal journey, we are all so blessed to have wonderful sub-port from each other. I am so thankful for the encouragement and advise, I would be lost without all of you. But, I personally must remember it is my Sir and my’s journey and not compare us to others. But, man that is such a hard thing for me to do. Thanks for sharing, I didn’t even realize I had all this on my heart. Best wishes to all my beautiful sub sisters
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Little Red,
Holy Cow, I’m going to be selfish for a second and make this about me, but HOLY COW….I’m so happy that someone could relate to my story even though I’m sorry for your pain. I was so scared to be raw. I usually run away when I have complicated issues because what I have to say isn’t wrapped up in a nice box with a pretty bow. Like BDSM, its dirty, messy, painful and “hard to swallow”. (had to add that naughty reference) I wish I could be more nurturing and maternal as other women….the “sweet submissive” type. I’m submissive, but far from sweet. I felt crazy because, well, I am crazy sometimes. I went nuts on Mr. Pooh and I hated it, but at least I know there are others out there like me and now I feel more confident to write from the heart. I understand where I went wrong, its Time to be real, be myself. I have much more I want to say to you, but I have to run. I promise, we have a lot to share and thank gaad I found sub-sisters. 🙂
Hugs,
Pooh
Pooh
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Sometimes, I have spoke of running so fast…. Running so fast that you have to tire yourself out, exhaust yourself, to be able to stop for a minute and listen and be still…. It happens, its not unusual.. This could be the issue.
There’s never one right way to do your dynamic… I know what the definitions of BDSM & D/s is..I did not coin those they have been around a long time and they will be here even after I am gone. Thanks Wiki!!!
But, here I try to show women & men how to get started and build that foundation and then make it there own. I tell my story and just like yours everything I do may not work for some. I tell everyone the two keys are HONESTY & COMMUNICATION. If you do both those things 100% with your Sir then It’s hard to mess that up.
I look at this like “the Jones'” thing… You don’t tell your husband I want a red sports car like the neighbors it will make us a better couple because they seem to be having a good time. Same with D/s you do what works for you not what the neighbors do… LOL! You look & compare it’s human but don’t make it the bases for what will work for you. I know I have digressed…
This web-site is here to help and be a place to introduce, guide and sub-port…. any type of dynamic.. any label… no one is judging what you’re doing… it is a safe place to be what you want it to be. Which takes me back to where we began If things get hairy come here we will talk and be here for you in whatever way we can be…. Here you make sub-friends…. HUGS! Always here… Always wishing you and your Sir the best D/s!LK
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Its so great that you and Mr. Fox have this site.
Just real quick…..Our issues started WAY before we became part of your blog and the damage had been done before we found y’all. The wheels were in motion and by the time I had met y’all, the bad stuff I wrote about had already happened and came to a head in early January. It wasn’t until Mr. Pooh reached out to Mr. Fox that things started taking shape again, so all is good. Y’all are wonderful and have created a platform for open and honest chat and I thank you so much for that.
Hugs,
Pooh -
I’ve been so upset all week for opening up and sharing because I realize it was all terribly misunderstood. My gut told me it was too much information, but my heart told me to take a leap. I think its best if our story it taken down as It was never my intentions to come across in a negative light. I didn’t mean, in any way, to be disrespectful or sound judgmental. The last thing I would ever do, or want to do, is hurt anyone or upset the dynamic of your blog. I swear to all I have that I was not comparing our journey to anyone else. Actually, I was doing the opposite, but I didn’t do a very good job at portraying that. I’m way better at being the funny girl, so I think I’ll stick to what I know…..Health and Humor. Again, I am so sorry about posting my story and I will not post TMI personal information in future blogs. Again, I am so sorry.
Thank you,
Pooh-
pooh, “You’ve listened to me and submitted to me, that is your gift to me and I take it very seriously. You did great pooh and I am extremely proud of you! You are doing exactly as I asked and submitted to listening to my desires and wishes and tuned out the outside chatter. pooh now read this carefully! If you have doubts about your actions you come to me and discuss. Right now you are in training and there is only one person you are to apologize or say sorry to and that is me your Sir!
There will be training tonight on doubt.
Thank you lk, I enjoy your site and happy that s’s have a place to come and discuss and bond.
poohs Sir
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This whole post hits home right now.
Pooh.. I am glad that your comment was not deleted. As I read through your words, the tears just began falling down my face as what you describe is so similar to what I have gone through in the past with our last attempt at D/s and what I feel is coming to a head during our attempt now.
I definitively feel like I’m the pushy one and I don’t want to be that way.
Hubby says that he’s interested, but I see very little follow through.
He doesn’t like to read and research, so I know this is a big obstacle that is holding everything back. He just doesn’t know what to do or where to start… so I start to guide and in turn feels as though I am pushing and driving him away.I am hopeful that by finding this place, things might be better.
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Hi everyone, thanks for listening to me vent, PMS( mad red fish sucks). Lol, I should keep up with that time of the month, and think before I write, and especially speak to my sweet Sir. I am so blessed to have found all of you to talk with and help me explain this wonderful journey to my Sir.
We have come SUCH a long way since December, mostly due to me not being as bossy and pushy and bratty. We are closer than we have been in our 15 years of marriage. I speak to him respectfully, he tends to my every need. He has never given so much of himself, as he is giving now.
You all have absolutley changed our lives for the better.
I run to him when he comes home everyday, jump in his arms and tell him how much he has been missed. We cuddle everynight, I massage his head, or feet. He massages my back or butt… or feet. We finally have each other back, not just running through life, doing the “vanilla” thing.
This journey has saved my sanity, made me a better wife, mother, and lover.
We could have not accomplished so much without your help, LK and Mr. Fox, your patience is amazing! The knowledge and wisdom you both have are making more happy, fulfilled loving couples.
You both have taught us that the “honeymoon” doesn’t end!
Hugs!
Thanks for all the sub-port
little red and Mr. Wolf -
This was such a good post for me to find! Our problem was that pregnancy made us unsure about what would be doable. Mister didn’t know how to follow through when I misbehaved, and it turned into absolute inconsistency. He would request something, and if, for whatever reason, I didn’t follow through, there would be no repercussion. Even if I did follow through, there was no acknowledgement. My thinking turned more and more to “what’s the point?” After a while, pretty much everything stopped. The frustrating thing was that ever so rarely He would do or say something Dommy, and all I could think, and say was “You can’t pick and choose. You either are or you aren’t.” I don’t think he understood, though. I finally quit trying to explain myself, because it wasn’t working, and things just stayed very vanilla. You all understand, though, that once you have a taste, that’s it, you need more. Thank goodness for these sites! I found several Mr. Fox’s posts that really explained all the things I was trying to say, and I emailed them to Mister. I think the one about feeding each other is going to be the most helpful. *fingers crossed*
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I like all these posts and think they took much courage to write. However, this is our site, is it not? Unless you have a very strict no-sharing protocol with your Sir, why apologize? As Mr Fox says in the site rules, we subs are free to say what we want with no fear of recrimination. I for one was very glad to read Pooh’s posts because I think all our D/s relationships would not be normal ones (normal, hehe) unless we had some struggles along the way. Mine is just rife with issues! But my Sir and I will be married 20 years in 2 1/2 weeks and I know we will make it, no matter what. He loves me and I love Him.
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It’s been so long, so I thought I’d swing by and catch up real quick. I hope everyone is doing well.
As – far – as an “apology”……my Sir was teaching me that I apologize too much and to the wrong people. This effected me in business and sometimes life, so I’m ever grateful to my husband for letting me be myself, but help me break bad habits. I am a sub, but free to say anything I want, however, if Sir feels I’ve crossed the line, we talk about it and come up with a plan to help me break bad habits. Over the past 3 months, I’ve lost 30 lbs with his help and started a business. I stopped quoting all the other Doms/subs, I blocked the outside chatter and did it ALL his way. We have found a beautiful balance, together. Research is fine, but we do it together.
Per “our rules of a D/s life” I’m his wife of 29 years FIRST because we live in a vanilla world unfortunately, but i carry with me his strength and guidance and his sub. I only listen to his instructions and not a list of rules from another Dom. There’s no other way to live if you’re a sub, right?
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Oops. Thought I hit edit cause I wasn’t done. Below is the correct and edited version.
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It’s been so long, so I thought I’d swing by and catch up real quick. I hope everyone is doing well.
As – far – as an “apology”……my Sir was teaching me that I apologize too much and to the wrong people. This effected me in business and sometimes life, so I’m ever grateful to my husband for letting me be myself, but help me break bad habits. I am a sub, but free to say anything I want, however, if Sir feels I’ve crossed the line, we talk about it and come up with a plan to help me break bad habits. Over the past 3 months, I’ve lost 30 lbs with his help and started a business. I stopped quoting all the other Doms/subs, I blocked the outside chatter and did it ALL his way. We have found a beautiful balance, together. Research is fine, but we do it together.
Per “our rules of a D/s life” I’m his wife of 29 years FIRST because we live in a vanilla world unfortunately, but i carry with me his strength and guidance, as his sub. I only listen to HIS instructions and not a list of rules from another Dom. There’s no other way to live if you’re a sub based upon the guidelines and rules we set together.
We’ve found our “G-spot”, in this Dom/Sub life….it’s SO MUCH FUN!! It’s fun and we laugh constantly, it doesn’t have to be so serious…..except for scenes. We get crazy, so take extra extra precautions. Otherwise, have fun…laugh. Ciao for now, Pooh
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Tooting my horn here. I’m a great sub because I listen to my Dom and we do it our way. There’s no list of rules, there’s no cookie cutter. If I’d never pored my heart out all those months ago and “apologized”….I wouldn’t be where I am today with my husband. That was my experience to have and my Doms to correct……not anyone’s to judge.
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We still have our issues and disagreements, with occasional punishments, especially my ever changing hormones, but the bottom line is……we got here together. We stop and connect. That’s our simple little foundation. I schedule “Hoo-Haa-Hostage-hour” (too many cocktails one night…lol) on his calendar to reconnect and the rest is his show. He tells me what he wants, where I may need a little extra help, how we’re going to get there and what he wants sexually (this rule is not up for discussion….rarr) . We dont have a rule where theres set times to discuss issues or concerns. We’re able to do that whenever. The only rule attached to open discussion is, “It’s not what or when you say it, it’s how you say it.” So, that’s it. That’s our simple D/s life and rules. It’s his show and if I need attention, he’s instructed me to kiss him on the cheeks. I then know, he knows….first avaliable moment is mine. LOVE THAT. Playful little rules along the way made this OUR journey and it’s ever changing.
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Pooh, I am so happy to hear you and Mr. Pooh are doing well. It’s nice hearing from you again. Happy Memorial day, hugs
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