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Maybe write to him???
Justin,
I’m sorry to word dump like this, but it’s what is going on in my mind all the time and usually just stays there for years, which is supposedly bad for a person and their relationships. Also, I know it’s stupid and lame to write it down or even text it rather than just have a normal conversation, but my conversations are anything but normal…Just work with it and pretend it’s the old days, that I have beautiful cursive penmanship, and that this is a love letter. The last part, at least, is true.
I love you. For reasons that I can’t always put my thumb on, I love you. That’s not meant to be a bash on you, just an observation of my own lack of understanding. When we first started dating, it was your…arms…It was also that you kept friends in good people and showed an interest in loving God and acknowledging Him in your life. Honestly, it was probably that you took notice of me. That’s my downfall with my crushes; almost anyone who ever displayed an interest in me, which wasn’t many, I ended up with a crush on, even if I hadn’t thought of them at all before. Looking back, it was probably Faith telling me that you might like me that made me take a second look at you (and then I noticed your arms) and start to fall for you. The point is, you gave me attention and then actually followed through.
I think I rode on that feeling of being wanted for a long time. At some point that first summer though, I watched you fish…I was utterly smitten. Not that I was really into fishing or anything, but watching you do that, something you were passionate about and were amazing at, was the sexiest thing I could think of. I remember that moment and that feeling almost every day. I fell in love with you and became infatuated with you, not because you noticed me, but because of who you were. (and how you look when you fish)
The next years were full of hormone led excursions and learning the nuances of each other. I would have hoped the glimpses of my crazy that I gave you would have deterred you then, but it just showed me your soft heart and timeless commitment to me. Those two things helped me overcome my fear of marriage that my parents help sow in me; I knew you’d be a loving and committed husband.
But sometime in those following years, my heart reminded me that I needed more. I had scars that would only stay pliable when tended routinely. Over the years I’ve had to take all those stupid personality tests, and one thing is certain; I need affirmation and wholly sincere affirmation. I suppose I’ll just own that as my own personality fault, unattributable to anyone else. But I also had wounds that came from my past. I feel in my core that I am naturally a very trusting person: I’ve developed extreme skepticism, sure, but that comes with life. But in my heart of hearts I want and expect people to act in a trust worthy manner. That being said, I also naturally expected, my whole childhood/life, to also be trusted. I was not; Roy took care not to never give me affirmation and never bestowed confidence and trust in me, no matter how hard I worked. My need for affirmation, I’ve tried to bury. My need to be trusted, festers.
Our early years of marriage, retrospectively, brought these issues to my forefront; I needed to feel wanted, but in a way that others also new I was wanted. When we went places, especially with your friends, but really with anyone, we felt…distant. We didn’t have kids to separate our attentions yet, but we were still just that: separate. And then I realized how, don’t take this as demeaning, because it’s not, but how clingy? possessive? you were, especially if I was away. I know that is just you loving me, but to me it was, it is, you not trusting me. Part of me thinks that if love had been shown me more, especially in public, it may have been a little easier to take. But it often seemed you were indifferent most of the time, until I would go to leave. That just felt uncomfortable. It’s hard to be ok with an action that you also feel you have to defend to other people. In general, a husband that is aloof but hen possessive and angry when the wife leaves, is generally considered domineering and the relationship unhealthy. I knew we were fine; you just wanted me there, where you were most comfortable displaying your love, and I knew I was a strong enough person to stand up for myself. That’s not how others see it though, and that’s hard to live with and represent.
I think those sentiments in general comprised the majority of my marital issues over the brunt of our married life, knowing full well that I also supplied a plethora of grievances of my own, the least of which are: poor communication, bottled up emotions, over commitments, anger, anxiety, stubbornness, etc.
I’m not really sure where to go from there. I have a lot of memories of guilt: mostly related to me going to meetings or seeing friends. I knew I wasn’t doing anything wrong or extravagant or outside of normal, but you have a way of making me feel like shit for doing nothing wrong. It carries over to the current, although now we can also heap on family and time, but it’s the same car, just a different color.
I think we had found something in D/s-M. Physically, it obviously opened something up for me, but personality wise, I think it gave me the feeling of being wanted or desired in more than a sexual way, but as one whom you might put on a pedestal and covet more than as just your wife for life. I felt that it gave me a way to feel ok with your clinging, because rules while I was away helped us to stay connected. I can’t speak for you, but I think it did some of the same for you.
I’m sorry I’m not good at the type of submission you need. I know, in a different life altogether, your perfect sub would call you Sir without hesitation and in a full voice. She’d wait on you without you asking and if asked, would do so without hesitation and with a bounce in her step. She’d like pain, if you wanted her to, but wouldn’t be surly or needy. She’d constantly as you what you needed, socialize when appropriate, and come like a Golden Retriever to your side at every instant. I’m sorry I’m not her and I’m sorry that writing this will make you mad at me, but we both know it’s true. I’m not saying we aren’t meant to be together forever, because we are and you’re not getting out of that. And I’m not saying that I can’t be your sub, because we both know that’s our best foot forward here. All I’m saying is that there may have been someone out there that could have served you better, and I’m sorry I’m not that.
I am trying. It doesn’t seem like it, but I am. I’m just not very good at it, and neither are you. I tried very hard to socialize with your work people. I ended up, and quickly so, feeling, yet again, guilty because I wasn’t two beers in before you were asking if I was ok enough to proceed with the evening. Couldn’t you just let me drink enough to feel sociable or, better yet, let me get shit faced so I could not feel or care for just a couple hours and everyone could comment about how you were going to get lucky later. But, alas, no. I felt guilt with every drink of every beer, was hyper aware of my every action, and wrote off any thought for the end of the night. At least the ending was good. For me anyway. But that all just makes me sound like an overly sensitive, whiny little bitch. Maybe I am.
Best foot forward though, I’ll try to make you happy by getting more work done. Fail. I wanted to be gone for a night. I know, I know; you gave your blessing. Not before you made me feel terrible for it, though.
So I’ll get a hotel room near your work because we stayed there, so I know it’s good, and, bonus, it’s near you, so maybe I can still see you. And you forgot your bag, creating an excellent rendezvous opportunity! I even branched out and suggested it, since I’m not to expect you to read my mind. You declined. Despair not! You get off early, so maybe you’ll still be able to come by. No. You never want to run a store errand for me, but you chose to this day…over having sex with me, you chose to return store items. To TWO stores! I’d taken toys. And my collar. I played by myself. I did not wear the collar.
I feel guilt. But more so that I knew you would be disappointed in me than for the actual act. It’s not the only time I’ve done it by myself in the fairly recent past, and I know that hurts you because the same knowledge of you will hurt me too. But it was not done out of spite or maliciousness. It was only done out of pent-up need. I need more and not related to sex.
I need you affection: at home, in public, everywhere. And I need it physically in those places so that anyone at church, a restaurant, our families, our children, etc. can see at a single glance and in a single meeting that we are wholly and eternally in love. Because we are! But I can’t feel it and others can’t see it.
I need your authoritative dominance. I need your voice down an octave, your look more brooding at me and your directions as a command, not a to do list or agenda of tasks that I or we are going to do: <s>‘We’re going to shower at 9:00, ok?’.</s> ‘Go shower, star’. <s>‘You’ll come sit next to me tonight, star’</s>. ‘Come, star. Sit’.
I need basic, primal contact and passion in our sex life. I need you to handle me with the surety that you know me and you know what you want and that I don’t respond well to the teasing/flirty foreplay. Yes, I want you. Yes, I want you to be firm when I don’t seem to want it. I want to describe it as ‘less emotion’, even though that’s really not true and makes it seem impersonal. But we both know that the more ‘animalistic’? primal? cut and dry? we are, the more turned on we both are, so why can’t we stay there? It strokes your ego and your sadism, if that’s truly in there somewhere, and not just a response to my responses. At the very least it makes you completely masculine. You stand more confident, with shoulders wide and head cocked just so, commanding my presence with persona more than words. I don’t know how to bring that back to you, but I still see it in my minds eye and feel the affect it had on my heart.
If I knew how we’d gotten there in the first place, I’d retrace my steps and restore it and stop where it went wrong, but we can’t go back and I don’t’ know how we got there. I’m back to feeling like I’m slowly drowning, except that now there’s even more up there at the surface that I’ll miss down here.
It’s not fair for me to complain. We are so, so blessed. I’ll not list even a few blessings of ours, for shame of not giving God credit for all the rest! I’ve no right to complain. As is my lot in life, I just want to do better. I don’t want our marriage to be the grey color it is right now. I want others to see how bright our marriage is. I don’t want to be tempted even to complain.
I want…us back? A new us? A better us? I don’t know. I want more and I know that I don’t feel that I have the ability to facilitate the more.
I think that’s where a lot of good marriages stagnate and ok marriages fail. It’s too hard and too much. We say we’ll get there. Other’s say you have to learn to like each other again later. But I’m lonely now. I’m drowning now. I don’t know where that leaves us.
I propose no solutions for our problems. I make no commitment to my change. As Jenna would say, “my hands are busy”. And no, I still don’t know what that means.
I just needed to tell you. Because you’re my best friend. I love you and I can’t do life without you. Not in a suicidal way. Calm down.
I just wanted you to know.
Love,
me
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1 Reply
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Dearest Star,
I wasn’t sub-scribed to this thread and I am so sorry I am just seeing this. I can NOT say I haven’t been in these EXACT feelings more times than I want to admit. Life gets away with us if we let it. Once you taste this drug and are successful in the dynamic, it will get you addicted and it’s human to accidentally let things slip or take advantage of our marriage in some type of way. I know you know all this.
My suggestion is let him read this, recommit to the dynamic, if that’s what you both want. GO BACK … carve out that time for this like you both used to. But, if there’s no time with how your lives are right now then leave it and love each other anyway you can, until you can cum back to it again.
My heart hurts for you, because I have felt this way a lot and keep trying to recreate or get back to where we were. But, it will never happen, because you have to meet one another where they are at and him where you are currently at. It will never be the same but you can recreate something even better. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you. Please stop in on Discord and say hello!
HUGS & LUV!
LK
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