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The Highs and Lows
If someone had told me that opening myself up they way i have in the last 5 month would feel this way i would had told them they were crazy. The highs are so high, but the lows are so much lower than i ever would had imagined. My feelings are so raw, at times it feels like i’m overly exposed. Don’t get me wrong, being overly exposed to my Syr is very freeing at times. But at those low times its overwhelming to my senses.
Two weeks ago i was having a low couple of days. My emotions were all over the place and i couldn’t get a handle on them no matter how hard i tried. Syr tried desperately to help me, but I couldn’t tell him what i needed to get back to me. I knew i was spiralling but at the same time couldn’t stop the death spin. Everything was overwhelming me and every turn and the sadness i saw on his face was crushing to me. This all started after we had a great scene. Sometimes i have really bad sub drop after we play, and its not always after intense play. We have read up on this and have things put in place to help me work through these times, but this last time hit me like a battering ram.
I was lost and couldn’t find myself back to my Syr. Every doubt that ever had run through my mind was there all at once. I was feeling like i had been cut open and put on an open fire. The rational side of my brain was yelling and begging to stop the spinning but she was so lost in all of the feeling she had no strong voice.
Finally my Syrs’ patience had run its course and wanted his sub and wife back. I think that is what i needed all along. I needed him to say enough and to stop being so understanding. I needed him to confront me and help my inner strength return. I needed him to tell me that this wasn’t ok and i had to get a hold of myself and snap out of this spin.
This is something he struggles with, how hard can he push and demand. I tell him i need him to push and demand from me. That i am his and willing. But at times he struggles. I know over time we will get to where we both want to be in our D/s-M. Even though that time for us was so hard and emotional, i’m really glad we went through it together. The rawness of those emotions were so powerful. I now have a better understanding of them and know that when they come around again bc i know they will i have Syr to hold me up and help me to take in those raw emotions and feel them. Not let them cripple me but to embrace them.
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