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Sexual Mindset/Desire
Ok Subbies,
A little help in this would be appreciated. So I rarely think about sex. My ability to think about it has increased since starting D/S in September and Sir and I have worked on bringing several walls down successfully. But…I literelly have to be assigned the task to send sexy texts otherwise it just isn’t there. Growing up sex was not part of open communication and I was naturally curious about it. After seeing some pictures that I was ashamed and felt guilty of seeing, I didn’t explore anymore. Masturbation was never something I explored or even thought of or knew about. I was taught to guard my heart and mind, so any time a fantasy came into my head, I stopped it and didn’t dwell on it. So I have years and years of training in thinking on truth and not allowing any room for sexual fantasies. I was quite excited for marriage and finally starting my sexual jounrney, but with so many years of walls and mental training, sexual thinking and desire was and still is difficult. It was fine for the first couple years of marriage. Even though intimacy didn’t stop and remained consistant, my desire for it wasn’t really there. Once things started, I was fine and enjoyed it all, but that desire didn’t and doesn’t come until things have gotten started. We have so many options now due to D/S and so much variety that I’d think I would be eager and yearning for something! Any ideas on how to help my brain become a sexual one? I’ve made slow progress with Sir, but it’s still so frustrating that I’m SUCH a sexual responder. I know continuing my journey towards health will help, but that’s a long progress. Physically, besides some extra weight and back issues, I’m healthy. I mean, I’m almost 38 and I just had my first sex dream a week ago! Anyways, I’m open for suggestions…
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5 Replies
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Hi Minx! I’m sure you will get tons of ideas but I’ll put in my two cents. I rarely thought about sex before D/s and basically could have done without it. I really think a big part of that is what turns me on is BDSM and plain old vanilla sex was never something I cared to initiate or think about. Now, I pretty much think about it all the time which is great because my Sir is super sexual and I really don’t think he ever stops thinking about it 😉 For me, reading BDSM books made all the difference. Maybe you could start with reading different books and picking out scenes that you enjoy and highlighting them or then or reading them to your Sir. I’m partial to the Shadowlands series and just recently started reading them to my Sir. Also, if you don’t already do it, take a look at LK’s journal prompts and try writing things out then you could have your Sir look at them and maybe even try some of them out.
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I could have written your post Minx! Actually a few years ago I think I probably did. I grew up in the Southern Baptist world in an era when all teenagers were ever told was sex is bad. Nothing else ever. Not “wait for marriage then it’s all good”, nope, just sex is bad. Oh and there was the added, if you like sex you must be bad. Then because I live in Texas and we can leave anything alone there was the added “good girls don’t.” I had a few boyfriends and we fooled around some but never “went all the way”. After I married we had a great sex life for a bit but undiagnosed depression along with a bad reaction to birth control pills left me hurting during sex and just pulling away. When we decided to try for a family I couldn’t get pregnant, then I did and miscarried. Sex had become a chore. Finally we had twins and now we could settle into the rest of our lives. Anytime we had sex and I enjoyed myself I felt guilty about it because good girls don’t, right?
We struggled along having sex regularly but me not really enjoying or participating much until we had been married for almost 30 years and several things happened. One was a bible study that reminded me how much I loved my husband, truly and deeply. Secondly, after being on Zoloft for several years for my depression I decided to try something else (for the life of me I can’t remember what it was) and suddenly felt a need for sex maybe for the first time ever. Thirdly, and I can’t really explain this one except that it was a God thing, we both sort of had a spiritual awakening and probably now in a way you would imagine. We both desperately wanted to know what the Bible had to say about sex. We were no longer satisfied with what we had been taught. We went on a quest to study on our own to see what God had to say about one of the most important things in our life.
I won’t bore you with the details of our studies but we felt free afterward. Free to explore our sexuality and free to do most anything we wanted. I no longer felt guilty for enjoying sex. I no longer felt guilty for thinking about sex. I no longer felt guilty reading erotica. This last thing is one that has helped me think about sex more. I read 50 shades and I was intrigued by the trilogy that I read it three times before I stopped. I have read countless fiction now and know what I like. Not all of it is for me.
So I have droned on for a long time but I think the biggest suggestion I would have for you is to find some erotica that both you and your Sir agree is fine for you to read and dive in, test the waters and see if that helps your mindset.-
Pearl, I really resonate with what you experienced as I also grew up Southern Baptist. I was constantly told to stay “pure” and even on my wedding day, my mom kept telling me how proud she was that I hadn’t had sex… which was a lie, because I had sneaked away to have sex. So, my whole wedding day I felt guilty. That secret had weighed over me for so long and I still feel guilty for all those times I lied to my mom… but, anyways now I have fully embraced enjoying sex and not feeling guilty. I still consider myself to have faith and have spent a lot of time recently trying to grow my spirituality/faith my own, without influence from a church. Hopefully i can find a church somewhere that I align with, but anyways I’ve grown out of the whole Southern Baptist views…
I also had dived into my Bible, and many internet searches, to try and figure out what was “right” or “wrong” when it came to sex. And I eventually came to the conclusion that God created us to enjoy sex… no other animals have sex for just pleasure reasons, except us… and I think it’s beautiful that God gave women the ability to orgasm even though it’s not needed to create a baby. I came to the conclusion that sex was a gift and wouldn’t God want us to experience his gift? Anyways, I did a lot of soul searching and all, and I think appreciating my husband and him appreciating me, is exactly what we should do. And I think BDSM in a lot of ways can be biblical to me…. idk, I’m not an expert but just have gone on this journey to figure out my beliefs. I also have noticed that since we’ve started BDSM and this D/s-M dynamic, our relationship has gotten closer and I feel like this inner purpose of submitting to my husband is being fulfilled. Spirituality is something I’ve always valued and it was nice reading your post, Pearl, and seeing that I wasn’t alone. I also now don’t feel bad for reading erotica, because I’m not reading it with bad intent or anything. Also, I thought my husband would think I was awful the first time I read 50 shades, in fact I thought it was like “cheating” on him, at that time, which is so wrong. But, it’s funny because when he found out, he loved the fact that I was reading it! Hahaha, thankfully this was at the beginning of our marriage, so we really were able to talk about these things right off the bat and start getting to know each other’s opinions. It’s nice being able to still have my faith and enjoy sex, in all the kinky, beautiful ways.
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Wow ladies you have made me feel better already. I have had a very hard time opening up about my sexuality and discussing anything to do with it. I have always enjoyed sex longed for it but my desires always left me feeling not normal, guilty, because as you all have felt it too, for women it is bad they are bad girls. Even in marraige I couldn’t speak of fantasies or anything I was embarrassed and sure could never understand the desire to be dominated until more recently with internet info and being able to put a label on it and knowing I was not a screwed up in the head as I have truly always felt my entire life. We are now embracing it completely but not without hang ups. My sir started a chat app for us when we began and in that app we only spoke about sexual things. He would ask questions and I was to honestly answer and it was only discussed in the app. It was a great way for me to open up and not be embarrassed face to face and it because kind of an arousal of sorts. Now we can talk more face to face but when it gets tough for me we go back and discuss there til it’s more comfortable. It has helped so very much! In case anyone wants to know it is called cover me and it is password protected even with pictures etc and we really like it. It was a tool that helped during that difficult transition and still a go to at times. It’s a safe place sort to speak if that makes sense to iron out topics we wouldn’t want to discuss via text or face to face
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Thank you so much everyone for you replies. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. We did find a couple books that we both really enjoy and have been reading them. It’s slow going, but I’m definitely doing better than I was when I originally posted!!
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