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Husband not into BDSM – how to cope?
Hello everyone. Over the past year, I have become consciously aware of my inclination in the bedroom to be a submissive. For a very long time, I didn’t recognize that what I was desiring had a name and even an entire community around it, but I have done a lot of research on the topic and am confident that I am a sub. With all of my partners in the past, I have really enjoyed what light domination they have exhibited toward me, and am now craving it more than ever. Where I run into a problem, however, is my husband is not into this lifestyle at all.
My sex life with my husband has always been very vanilla, and at times we have experienced some dead bedroom syndrome. He is very puritanical when it comes to sex, with the most adventurous he’ll get is to try a different position. He doesn’t like using toys, he doesn’t like using restraints or other bondage accoutrements. He doesn’t like anal or anal play, or even going down on me. Our sex is always a variation of these three main things: me giving him head, us having basic sex, and him manually bringing me to orgasm. He has told me he doesn’t mind if I do some dirty talk, but when I start to he gets uncomfortable and then I clam up. There’s also the fact that he almost never initiates sex and relies on me to do this.
I’m beginning to get extremely sexually, mentally, and emotionally frustrated. I love my husband dearly, but I am not being satisfied. I don’t want to resent him for his preferences or what makes him comfortable, and I don’t want to force him into doing things he’s uncomfortable doing. But at the same time, there’s a part of me that I need to explore and I can’t. I don’t need or want to bring any D/s play outside of the bedroom, nor do I even need to explore this every time we’re being intimate, but I do need something or I feel like I might burst.
I have tried talking to him about this, a few times. He says it’s just not him and that he’s happy with our sex life the way it is. I’m wondering what advice or guidance anyone here may have, or if someone in a similar situation to this could share their perspective. I’m just feeling like I’m at a dead end.
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7 Replies
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I want to add some additional context, as it will further paint the picture. My husband is not a naturally dominant person, and so I think that not only does the concept of D/s maybe freak him out a bit, but especially the fact that I am definitely a sub and am craving Dom behavior. Additionally, I think he has conflicting thoughts about trying to Dom me, as outside of our sex life I tend to be pretty dominant – in parenting, in my career, in certain aspects of our relationship, etc. This is precisely why I love subbing in the bedroom, because it’s an escape and a chance for me to relinquish control to someone else. I am also a Feminist, and he has trouble wrapping his mind around how I could want to be called things like slut, etc. and wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that to me.
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Dear PetitMorveux,
I want to offer my support to you. I am wondering if you have tried any type of Formal Acceptance other than having a conversation with your partner about BDSM play, perhaps if you approach him with the non-sexual aspects of the D|s-M method like the foundations of respect, intimacy, communication, honesty, and love that our method explains here on site, if he might start to form a different opinion. You might try just kneeling for him to feed his Dominance in general. Also, you could give him a taste of submission through charm and active listening. You can show your submissive spirit to him outside of the bedroom and he may become more dominant in sex and play. Good luck to you!! I believe in you 🙂 Try rereading LK’s blog posts for inspiration. links for information.
Warmest regards,
Belle Soumise
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I am so glad that you posted about this. I also felt weird when I brought this up to my husband since it is different than our normal interactions. I think it was more 50/50 (or striving to be) or him thinking, “happy wife = happy life”. I am new myself so the others will have a lot of wisdom around this. However, it seemed trying out several things ended up being what sparked his interest in this, not just something he was willing to try for me. We are still approaching things with an attitude of, “I’m interested in this, let’s try it a few times, talk about it, and we don’t have to continue with it.” Most of the time, its ended in smiles and laughing (I forgot that sex can be just fun sometimes!) and that has made us interested in trying more.
There was a time in my life that I was uncomfortable with exploring things sexually. In my case, it was because the intimacy of it in a loving relationship was actually making me feel vulnerable. Casual sex or flings that I had in the past was easy – it was just physical, not emotional. Therapy was very helpful just to talk to someone who wasn’t my partner. He might not be hung up on something like that, but it helped me view sex as a normal, healthy thing that adults do – sometimes its trying new things just to try. Good luck and please keep us updated if you would like to.
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First of all, welcum to our community, PetitMorveux! We are so happy you found us. I invite you to join us on chat any time! You will find while we are not experts we do bring a lot of personal experience and diverse perspectives.
It is hard for me to provide much input as I have so many questions. How old are you and your Sir? How long have you been married? How was your sex life before you got married? You mentioned vanilla but was there any twist? Do you have children? Ages? How well do you communicate with each other? Does he know your deepest desires and how you feel?
For example, if he was really into sex early on, but is now aging I would suggest a full health assessment. Many men do not realize they are feeling bad or losing their sexual urges as they age due to a number of underlying health issues such as thyroid or low testosterone levels. On the other hand, if he is a young man that has never been interested in sex, well, that is an entirely different issue!
Regardless, KEEP COMMUNICATING! The foundation to any strong marriage is open, honest communication. Check out the articles under “Where to Begin” and look specifically look at setting a firm foundation. The sex and the kink cum along magically once your foundation is solid!
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Thank you so much everyone for the warm welcomes and advice. There are definitely some great ideas I’m taking away from your comments which I will be trying with my husband, namely:
- being more submissive outside of the bedroom
- kneeling
- discussing the trust and intimacy aspects of bringing D/s into our sex life
- trying out isolated activities and fostering open discussion
I’ll also check out some of the recommended readings, as well.
To answer the questions from above:
– I am 31 and he is 30
– we have been married almost 5 years, together for 8
– Our sex life has never been great. The first few years he wasn’t even able to cum unless I was on top, which isn’t my favorite position. I’ve tried introducing new aspects over the years but he is so self-conscious/uncomfortable about it that it makes me uncomfortable in turn. It’s always been predictable.
– we have 1 child, who just turned 2
– I think we communicate decently, but I also think that there’s some intimacy opportunities. We don’t tell each other we love one another with any regularity. We don’t compliment one another, we can go days without physically touching. It sometimes feels like he’s my very best friend but not my lover. And part of me wonders how that’s impacting our sex life. -
I love the bullets on all the things you are going to work on. That is fantastic! Join us in the subMrs Chat! You will find that there are many subs that are going through or have been in a similar place. The awesome thing is if you both work on it, you can totally create something amazing.
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I’d like to make a recommendation. Have you ever heard of the book, “The Empowered Wife” by Laura Doyle? I actually was reading this book as a recommendation-which led me to requesting to my husband that we engage in the Dom/sub life. Our marriage had been rocky for years, once I implemented what I read in this book (which compliments the Dom/sub life) my marriage completely turned around. We are now more connected, happy and in love then ever before! I believe it may help you with your pursuit to get what You desire In the bedroom. I refer to it often as a guide. As I mentioned above, it was the catalyst to my sub-life. It teaches us how to empower our husbands. The book’s description does not do it justice… trust me when I say it is worth reading. It’s not expensive and I truly believe you may find it beneficial. Best of luck to you! You have a community of women here to support you. ❤️
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