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I was lost when he found me…..
Trust is one of the hardest pillars for me. König and I talk about it often. When I kneel it is often something I meditate on. “Why do I have such a hard time trusting my Dom to love me and cherish me?” At the first little correction I get defensive. My walls go up and I get angry.
This happened the other day. However, I communicate with König often about my thoughts and ideas about our dynamic which helped tremendously. Because I share with him he was able to give me a different perspective that I had already thought of myself but have a hard time applying when my walls are up. He voiced that I was simply being a brat. I have admitted to him before how I enjoy my bratty side if he does and the fun little games that can come along with saying things like “make me” with a devilish grin. But there are times I can be bratty without even trying and in those moments he has the authority to correct me. Telling me I was being a brat instead of tell me what I was doing to him put me in the safety of our dynamic and gave me something I could recognize and change.
Being within the safety of our dynamic is huge when it comes to punishments. Before I found Mein König I was in a relationship where I lost myself. I didn’t recognize myself when I looked in the mirror. I had let someone used me and abuse me. I let someone take me for granted. When I found myself again I made a promise that would never happen again. That no one would ever bend me to a point where I couldn’t recognize my own reflection. When König and I started our D/s-M journey is when I finally admitted to myself that it had happened. That it is a reason for a lot of my demons I must face. But being the submissive that I am I crave that strong hand. I share memes with Sir on how I crave to be corrected. But when I shared one the other day I knew it was one that is a trigger of mine. And when I say trigger I mean fight or flight. Acknowledging that is progress. Then something else occurred to me. What if it isn’t my Dom that I don’t trust but myself. I don’t trust myself not to get lost again. That without some type of recognition that we are in our dynamic, that we are in our roles, that he is more than just my husband, a fight responses is triggered because I don’t trust myself not to disappear. This felt like a break through for me. For us.
He has proven his self over and over again. That he loves me, that he loves the fire that burns inside of me so much he made me promise to never let it go out if he agreed to be my Dom. He accepts my sass and bratty side and sees the fun that can be had. Now it’s time for me to trust myself and my decisions. I am a SUBMISSIVE. I CHOOSE to kneel at my masters feet. I am STRONG in my vulnerability that I willingly GIVE to him. And in return he shows me how I can FLY.
It is intoxicating when our dynamic is running smoothly and we are high off of how well it works. But I am learning to love those lows just has much because when you grow it truly is a beautiful thing!
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3 Replies
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That is beautiful Kleine. To embrace every aspect of this lifestyle is something I think all of us should strive for!
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Thank you for sharing my sweet subbie sister. Keep the communication open with your HusDom and you won’t ever have to fight those demons alone. You can because you are fierce and strong, but you don’t have to.
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Kleine what i loved about your post is how you shine the same love on your Dom
As you do on yourself. Your strong foundation proves that. I love reading
about your journey. Thank you for sharing.
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