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What is your truth?
I had to take an online workshop about self compassion today for work, and I had sort of a light bulb moment that I would like to share. I have learned to ask one simple question in any given situation. "What is the truth?" I am a submissive who struggles. I struggle with attitude, I struggle with anger, I struggle with feeling sad and morose because I perceive that Sir is not pleased. These are things that Sir and I battle almost every day. I WANT to be good, but I struggle. I WANT to have the right attitude, but I struggle. What I think I have realized is that about 99% of the things that are happening inside my head that CAUSE these struggles are my PERCEPTION...not the truth. We all tell ourselves stories when stressful things happen to us. If someone cuts you off on the road to zoom around you and pull ahead of you into a McDonalds, you are going to tell yourself some sort of story in your head. You might tell yourself, "That person is a jerk...they are pushy and rude and only care about themselves" or you may tell yourself, "Oh, wow...there must be some emergency. Maybe she is diabetic and is about to pass out from low blood sugar. I wonder if she'll be okay?" The reality is that either way..it's a story. We do not KNOW the real story behind that situation, and so we have to choose what story to tell ourselves. Why not choose the story that makes us feel peaceful and not disgruntled? So, I started to think about this is in relation to the attitude and anger struggles I have in submitting to my Sir. He is good to me. He works hard to provide for our family. He is a kind and gentle Dominant, who tries his best to satisfy my every need. He helps me when I'm overwhelmed with life, and he stands in the gap for me when I just cannot make it across the emotional abyss on my own. Why, then, do I choose to tell myself the stories that bring me down...that make me angry or sullen or disgruntled. He may ask me to load the dishes, and I hear " You are a failure as a housekeeper". He may have been in meetings all day, and I assume I haven't heard from him because he has forgotten about me. He may make a simple attitude correction and I build it into spiral after spiral of negative self talk and criticism that leaves me paralyzed with self pity. I have decided to start asking one simple question when I feel those raging emotions welling up inside of me as a result of some perception that is happening in my head. "Sir, what is the truth?" I am willing to be that most of the time, the story I have told myself in my head does not line up at all with the true story that my Sir intended me to hear. -
2 Replies
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Angelica, I honestly could have written this myself. I am in a constant struggle with self-doubt and fear. In the past it was easy, I shut down and didn’t let anyone see my feelings especially my husband. Now that I’m being open with my feelings and emotions I feel like he will get tired of how needy I am. I’ve told him that what he is hearing from me is nothing new, it is just new to him. I have always struggled and have the constant fear that whenever good starts to happen, bad, really bad is right around the corner. So now Master hears the stories that are in my head and helps me deal with the demons that crawl around in there. I’ve spent most of my adult life helping other people deal with their demons and have let mine run rampant. D|s-M is giving me the shaky courage to let my Master help me conquer those demons. I no longer have to be “strong” on the outside while I’m dying on the inside. Thank you for sharing and being so willing to subport everyone. You are inspiring to me and I am so happy to be here in this journey with you.
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This was such a good read. I deal with anxiety and depression and one of the best ways out of it is finding that truth. Thank you for sharing.
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