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I removed my collar
I have been a member of this group for a year and in that time I’ve been very active reading LK’s blogs, the forums and just chatting with all the awesome subbies. In that year I feel my submission has grown a lot. I do my best to focus on my submission and not worry about my Sir’s actions. My Sir is a very busy man. He’s the head of the family business and he has a never ending list to keep everything running smoothly. D/s M has turned our marriage around and he’ll be the first to tell you that. In the past year he has relied on my knowledge and my wants/needs to learn about D/s M. This was great in the beginning but after a year I feel like it’s time for him to take more of the responsibility in learning his role. I can only teach him so much. I need him to start leading. In the back of my head I’ve always had a small amount of doubt in his desires and commitment to incorporating D/s M into our lives. Anytime I ask him if this is something he wants his response is always “I just want you to be happy”. That’s great but not exactly what I wanted to hear. A couple weeks ago something happened in downtime that brought those doubts to the surface. I had a ritual that I wanted him to consider adding to our dynamic. Since I’ve learned that rituals should be something that brings him pleasure I asked him if he would think about it over the week and we could talk about it at our next downtime. Well downtime came again and I asked him if he had made a decision. He had no idea what I was talking about. He didn’t remember me asking him that. His response to me was he has a lot of things to think about. My heart was crushed. I only asked him to think about one request. I didn’t give him a long list. He made me feel like I and our marriage were at the bottom of that long list. This was nothing new to me. This is one of the reason’s our marriage was failing before I brought the idea of D/s M to him. After that my confidence in his commitment started to disappear. I started to focus on everything he would or wouldn’t do. I became more confident that D/s M was just a burden and more work to add to his list. I started to become angry and depressed. He knew something was wrong and would ask me but I told him I was fine and he didn’t push it any further. Saturday night I was so upset and decide on my own that I was done trying and also I was feeling guilty because I thought I was pushing him to do something he didn’t feel passionate about like I did. That night I removed my collar. I was done trying and working so hard at something he wasn’t willing to put any effort into. It was a horrible feeling. I felt naked and lost. He didn’t notice until Sunday afternoon. The look on his face when he asked me where my collar was made my stomach drop. He said his first thought was that I was leaving him. I let it all go and told him exactly how I felt. We talked and talked and I cryed like a baby. The one thing he said that turned everything around for me was that the collar around my neck is a commitment and he considers it to have meaning and symbolism just like my wedding ring and that removing it is like me saying I give up on us. That was what I’ve been waiting to hear. I had no idea he felt that strongly about D/s M. He tells me that he’s not at the same level as I am and I always agreed but that one sentence told me he’s right where I am. He got it and he wants this as badly as I do. After a lecture he put my collar back on. I felt complete again.
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5 Replies
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Sometimes it takes a crisis for us to realize what is happening. I’m glad the two of you had a chance to talk and I hope this continues for you both. However, you have to realize that even this won’t make things change over night. Keep talking and communicating is what ever way works best for both of you.
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Thank you Pearl. I know we still have a lot to learn and other challenges ahead of us but just him telling me how bad he wants this took away any doubt I had before. I don’t know why he never expressed these feelings before now. I plan on asking him that at our next downtime.
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Bella, Thank you for your post. I too struggle with feeling that I’m more committed to this than my Master but I find that most of this is because I compare some unrealistic fiction to our life. I am so happy that your Sir let you know what it means to him and I look forward to sharing this journey with other couples who struggle but come out stronger in the end.
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Oh Bella! This makes me so happy for you. I am glad you got the reassurance you needed! HUGS 🤗
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Oh wow, Bella! Thank you so much for sharing!
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