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Frustrated and lost
I have never done this. And I’m not sure where to start. My husband and I are in a D/s-M relationship, we joined this group 2 years ago and read all the articles and did the research. We started this after I found out he had an affair. And this is the lifestyle he wanted. We recently started 24/7, and it seems that he no longer puts the effort in. Everytime I try to communicate my feelings he gets frustrated and shuts down, he says because I’m pointing the finger because I’m not getting what I ask for. I don’t mean too but there are two of us. He always has an excuse of why he can’t give me what I want, love and attention. He’s busy, hes tired, he has other things to do. But all summer while off of work he sat on pornhub for hours everyday, and when I would ask if he commented on my stuff he would say he didn’t have time. Really because he commented on everyone else stuff. I feel like everyone else is more important than me. When I try to talk about it he gets defensive and trys to justify his actions and never takes responsibility. I always apologize 1st, he has never come to me to say sorry. And the cycle repeats itself because he makes the rules and I am his sub. Frustrated and lost. I have no one to talk too, please help.
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8 Replies
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Before I offer any advice I would like to get a little more information. You said you started this after you found out your husband had an affair. Did the two of you ever really deal with that? There are a lot of issues surrounding one spouse having an affair such as a loss of trust that have to be dealt with first. Is your husband active or even registered on HusDom? Do you have regular DownTime where you both can talk openly and honestly about your relationship?
D|s-m is not a cure all for a relationship. You have to deal with the basic underlying problems before it will work.
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Yes, I did counseling on my own and xmas a couple. I forgave him for the affair and have had my closure. We have rebuilt our trust. My husband is a member of HusDom. We used to have downtime regularly but when I would voice my concerns he gets defensive. I have suggested we go back to basics. He doesn’t feel anything is wrong. He just shuts down and ignores me till he feels he needs me again.
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Hi there,
It is really difficult to give solid advice as we only have a glimpse of your situation. I picked up on a few things here. Aside from the communication, how do YOU feel about D|s-M? You mentioned this is something he wanted. Is this because he wanted to grow a foundation to a solid marriage or was it centered around the kink? I ask because you mentioned he has spent some time in the past on pornhub. Was this addressed during the counseling? If not, I wonder if there are some deeper needs that should be addressed. I know this activity can cause you feelings of doubt. I am by no means a counselor but just probing from an outside perspective.
I hear loud and clear you are desperate for solid communication with your Sir. While verbal communication is always preferred there are a few other ways to possibly get him to open up. One would be a journal to express your feelings that he could read and digest. If he is not comfortable responding to you verbally, perhaps he would be willing to write his thoughts down. This would be a short term solution but perhaps be a pathway to opening up verbally. If this is failing I would recommend additional counseling. You have a voice and feelings that need to be heard.
There are several of us that on chat on a regular basis. Please join us sometime. We would love to get to know you and be a sounding board.
I wish you and your Sir all the best.
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Hey lady, nice to see you back. After reading about your situation, my honest opinion is that your D/s-M is not working because there seem to be some very big issues within your marriage that need to be taken care of. These issues don’t seem to be related to the dynamic at all, and based off of what your wrote, it almost seems like your husband is using D/s as an excuse not to deal with them. D/s-M is a fickle bitch…she will either enhance or destroy depending on how solid your foundation is. I fear that you will remain unhappy in this lifestyle if these other issues aren’t fixed first!
Being a submissive does not mean that we are door mats or have no voice…it is a gift we give to a deserving Dom; it can and should be taken away if he has not earned our submission.
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I really appreciate all the advice given here. It is so hard to deal with certain feelings when I have no one to talk to. We did not discuss our sex life with the counselor at the time, we felt we had bigger issues to get past. Please don’t get me wrong. My husband is a great guy, he provides a beautiful home, support and love. And I know that BDSM is not all about the sex, but when hes looking at other woman and telling me that if he can’t then our marriage won’t work. That confuses the crap out of me. Why image they more important than me? I will try the journal idea, I’m always writing in mine. My guess is he will say he is too busy, but I am hopeful he will be open minded. Oh, and yes I was interested in BDSM before we were married, but until he had the affair with someone he met on pornhub, he was not.
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Like so many have said it’s a small glimpse that we are responding to. I went through something extremely similar. Please bear this in mind and if you want to know more of our story I would be happy to tell it. Summary: things went really wrong and I stopped dsm for almost 2 years. We are in it again and strong right now.
So I asked my husband what he thought about a submissive friend going through xyz (no names mentioned). I asked for how he would want to be approached as a Dom via DT. This was his response:
I think the hard truth is that she is not actually in a D/s relationship at all because he is not being a Dom. They need to have a ton of communication and figure out what they really want. From the sound of it, he liked the idea of the sexy parts of it but isn’t willing to put in the effort for the commitment. This isn’t that different from me on our first go. I didn’t realize how much time, effort and care this took. It’s 24/7 for the Dom to consider his sub in all things. When we walked away from it and went through so much turbulence, it ate away at me. I came to a greater understanding that it was what I wanted and how to serve you.
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Jade/SlySaint…IThi is that’s it. His excuse always is he is too busy.. he doesn’t want to put the time and effort in. Only when its convenient. I need to spend some time trying to figure this out.
Thank you everyone. -
You said “My husband is a great guy, he provides a beautiful home, support and love.” I want to point out some major red flags in your posts:
The D/s started after you “found out” he had an affair, this is what he wanted.
He sat on pornhub for hours every day, he had the affair with someone he met on pornhub
He’s not putting in any effort to the D/s
“He always has an excuse of why he can’t give me what I want, love and attention.”
“hes looking at other woman and telling me that if he can’t then our marriage won’t work.”This doesn’t sound like a great guy.
I’m sure there is much more to your husband than these things however you really need to take a long hard look at what is going on in your marriage.
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