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Learning about my REAL need for our new life but tired of battling myself
Sir and I have been together for 11 years and married for 8. I was raised that my husband was the head of the household and I was to be his helpmeet, so the “sub” life I feel was easy for me to fit into. With saying that, I remember our first night that Sir got a little rough with me, and how much it did something for me. I was honest and I let him know I really enjoyed it. Shortly after the FSOG books came out and that pushed me to want to know more about BDSM and the more “kinky” side of life.
Several years later, Sir and I had a fairly frequent rough sex life and I guess you could say we would “play”. We researched things and though we never found anything for us married people we were in an okay place with it all. However, every couple of months, I would tell him that I wanted to step back and get back to “how married people should be” which I’m not sure what I meant but I didn’t know of any other married people in BDSM, so I guess I felt ashamed. Since then until about 6-7 months ago it was a back and forth cycle.
6-7 months ago, I was 9 months pregnant with my son and I finally told him that I wanted to try the BDSM lifestyle. Once again he obliged. Things went slowly since I had given birth and had recovery time. After my 6 week go ahead Sir approached me and asked if I would join this website he had found. He had told me he had already joined and had learned a lot…. so I joined.
LIFE CHANGED.
Brings me to the last couple months. I’ve given my FA and had an amazing collaring ceremony but I found myself “running away”. Why? I would journal somewhat about it and then when Sir would ask me at DT if there was anything I needed to talk about, I would shut down and say “no”. I found myself far from our D/s-M one night, but just continued to blame the distance on my sickness that I had been battling, and I was sitting along on my bed while Sir was on a 72 hour shift and it just hit me. HARD.
“I need him” not just him as my husband and my best friend but my Sir. I need his Dominance. The stress I had been feeling, the feeling of being completely overwhelmed, I had no “out”. I finally asked for DT and pretty much laid it all out. My frustrations and confusions. When I finished, Sir softly had told me he had been scared that he lost me and that this was the last time. That If I would run away now, as deep into this as we are, what would I do when things became ever more intense. That HURT me and SCARED me but I NEEDED to hear it.
Clean slate happened.
Things have been going “okay” and unfortunately we can’t just pick up the pieces now. I stole Sir’s foundation that he had built and that kills me. So, We’re starting again. and I’m TERRIFIED too (not of the ls but that I hurt him). BUT I know what to look for with myself now. I’ve come to see that this life is what we need and how much it has helped me. I just hope I can keep pushing through.
(Guys, I’m so sorry for the rambling. I think I just needed to write and talk this out!!!)
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4 Replies
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Thrall,
Thank you so much for sharing this with us!! It’s great that you are able to recongize what caused it and you know what to look for if things start going backwards some.
Cleaning the slate and starting fresh is no a bad thing. In my opinion it is necessary at times! You can keep pushing through you are a strong subbie and you have your sir on your side and he is your biggest fan!Best Wishes,
Luna -
Thrall,
Many times this happens. You are so lucky that you have a wonderful Sir that wants to give it another try! So, now you have tasted D|s-M, you see how hard it is and how terrifying it is if you loose it. But, I have to say, you learn so much more from the downs then the ups. You learned to look into or at yourself for answers and that is so important. Usually if we point fingers we need to look into the mirror, sounds like this is exactly what you did….. as have many of us. This is a new beginning but look how much more you have learned. I say go for it! FInd your way once again, build this foundation EVEN STRONGER!
HUGS! lk
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Dear Thrall,
Thank you for sharing your experience! I feel that many submissives will benefit from your story. Perhaps this reboot will be even better than the original? One thing for sure, your relationship with Sir has reached a new phase of intimacy and that is wonderful. Keep striving Thrall.
Warmest regards,
Belle -
Dear Thrall,
Sometimes our journeys are two steps forward and one step back. We look at seasoned subbie’s dynamics and wonder “I bet they never felt like me…” That couldn’t be further from the truth. Roadblocks, backslides, speedbumps, full stops, and safe words are all part of the journey. Everyone experiences them at some point. No one is immune. As you go thru this, it is important to constantly check in with the community. Don’t isolate yourself. We are here to support you, encourage you, listen to you, celebrate with you, and sometimes commiserate with you. But we will always love you and be here for you. When you check in…if no one is on (I know you are on late like me)…post in the forum. Keep updating this thread and let us know how it is going. You have had a taste of submission and how great this dynamic is. Having little ones, hormone fluctuations from recent delivery, and a Sir that works a crazy schedule is totally overwhelming…and completely understandable. Be kind to yourself. Don’t throw the dynamic away but maybe reduce the expectations a bit until life settles down a bit. No matter what you decide, communicate with your Sir. Never hold back from him. He is your protector and biggest advocate for success in life. So long as he has an understanding of where your heart is, he can roll with whatever choices need to be made….whether short-term or long-term. We are here for you…never forget that!
Much Love,
Para
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