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Jumping in and leaving HIM behind
I am hoping this wont be to long or more info than needed. First I’d like to say I am not one to do anything but stalk this site lol I feel anxious and nervous posting….fear of getting what you wish for I guess.
When I first met my husband 17 years ago we were out on a date and I was being bratty…he gave me this sharp look…I instantly shuttered, I was 17 and two years out of a relationship where my guy was a complete D*ick and hit me once. That was still fresh in my mind and my now husband instantly lost his dominance. From that point forward I was the main pants wearing person in the family…after 2 kids I was a bitchy mess, a super naggy wife to the point where he was falling for a co-worker….fast forward 10 years later and we have worked though the rough times and trust each other completely.
I started dabbling my mind in bdsm before FSOG but like many other women the books just made the desire much stronger. We made a joke one night and he spanked my ass…surprisingly I loved it…even more surprisingly so did he.
Speeding forward again to a small talk where I was reading all the blogs on this website I could…I had him sign up for husDOM also. We talked about how we would like to try this dynamic and being tired of being the one who did everything, made every decision and needed to be able to let go I was ALLLLL in.
I am an avid reader anyway so I jumped into online books and blogs, I started a private facebook page for me to post articles and meme’s and just hints of what taking on the submissive role would mean to me.
I get lost, my heart hurts like submissive drop, even when we are not actively engaging. My desire to serve him and sink into him (the only way I can really describe it) is sooo strong. He tries to take on the role of dominate but since that night of the scary look I have been the one disciplining the kids and making all the rules and consequences in the house so its hard for him to make rules or follow up on anything. He can’t do it with the kids and not with me…the moment I get bratty he backs off. I know I ruined him in this manner…but I didn’t mean too. He is a loving husband and will literately do anything for me. He makes me feel beautiful all the time regardless of anything. And when he knows I’m upset he does anything to make me feel better. He is my DaddyDom…he fits that soft side of the role perfectly.
I try to make his plate and he refuses saying he will do it….all because he does not want me to think that I have to…but I don’t think he understands that I WANT to…I DESIRE to.
Anther issue is that he is not a reader, he will research cars and video game info all day lol but I am not sure he has actually ever read a bdsm blog…or the dominate book I downloaded on kindle…or looked at the HusDom site.
I am the type of person that will top from the bottom and I do not want to do that…its hard for me to let his man side come out and its hard for him to bring it out.
Now I have mentioned that we have three kids….this is another issue….he says that he cant wait to be able to go all out…when the kids move out (insert eye roll here)…they are 15, 14 and 3….I get it…its hard to have the time to make this work, sex wise or otherwise…but sometimes I feel like he won’t even try.
My real take on all this jumble mess I wrote for you today…..I AM THE ISSUE. I want that unremarkable, unmistakable, crawl to and into you, overbearing, worshiping feeling….and I want it NOW!!!!! I am at a loss on how to calm myself down without getting disappointed that maybe he doesn’t want to take an active role in doing his own research and coming up with his Dom personality on his own.
I apologize for this being soooo long….Thanks for any and all input.
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5 Replies
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Hi! I’m Kleine 🙂 So glad you decided to share. The first time I did I thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest. Lol. But having subport and know other have similar experiences makes things a little easier. I am very new to the lifestyle and what most would consider young so I don’t know it all and still struggle daily. But maybe sharing will help you.
I am 26 with a 1 year old daughter. I have been married to my Sir for 5 years and we started D/s-M in June. I’m not naturally submissive and due to certain situations that had happened early on in our marriage I took over. I grew up in a very female dominated household so that’s just what I knew to do. But I also knew it wasn’t what I wanted, I didn’t want to be the leader at home I wanted my husband to be. I saw how much it stressed my mother out being the one responsible for everything. When I saw myself going down that path I knew I had to hit the brakes and reevaluate.
I was focusing on all the wrong things. Everything he did wrong. I bought the audio book 5 languages of love and was determined to get him to hear me. I was still focusing on him. At some point in the book the author said something along the lines of “You can’t change people, the only person you can change is yourself. Focus on what you can change instead of breaking your own heart over things you can not.” And those words stuck deep.
When I told my Sir of my desire for this FSOG lifestyle I knew that my biggest obstacles were going to be letting go, trust, patience, and my mouth. But with all my reading I was ready to run while he was only ready to crawl. I was feeling empty and needy, pushing at every turn which was just pushing him away. So I remembered what I read and started focusing on what I could change… ME. When I found this sight I was looking for more ways to feel more submissive with acts I could do alone, without my Sir. The things I found to help my submissive mindset were, kneeling, journaling, writing S.O.A.P. On my bathroom mirrior and at every opportunity make sure I called him Sir. All of these ideas I found on here with the help of LK’s blogs. Once I began to really show my dedication he started to get more curious.
The first time I knelt alone was awkward. I felt self conscious and was afraid he would see me… but I wanted him to see, I was very conflicted. But as I was kneeling I started to focus on my position. My head is lowered my eyes are shut I think about how I am try to open up and give myself to my Sir in order to serve him better. I straighten my back in hopes to find my strength, my hands sit, palm up, on my leg reminding me to be open and honest. Lost in thought I didn’t hear the door open. When I look up I jump to see him standing there. I blush and immediately move. I felt embarrassed but didn’t know why. This is what I wanted. but once he said those magic words “your such a Good Girl” all the embarrassment faded, I was just scared of rejection.
I journal everything from feelings to thing I learn to ideas. It was funny when I started I hadn’t told my Sir it was for him to read and he was trying to sneak and read it. I was so happy. He cares much more than I give him credit for. I explained to him that I wanted him to know my raw emotions and thoughts. Sometimes when I try to vocalize things don’t come out right. This way we both have time to process. And can talk about it in Downtime. (Downtime is another biggie to help with mindset. My Sir has one scheduled for every Wednesday night until things become more natural) Seriously love my journal.
S…. Serve his needs
O…. Obey his command
A…. Accept his dominance
P…. Please his desires.I have it written on my bathroom mirror and repeate it to myself quite often. Reminding me of my duties as his submissive. Also calling him Sir all the time serves the same purpose. Helps keep me in my mindset that he is my leader and I am to respect him. Plus he LOVES it!
I do all of these things and they definitely help but we are human and vanilla happens. It happened last night when my Sir didn’t do my spankings homework when I wanted him to. I through a fit and was disrespectful. I told him he didn’t care when that is far from the truth. He didn’t fight with me he simply stayed silent and let me storm off. Once I had cooled down and was thinking rationally I knew I was wrong. He is an electrician so he does a lot of manual labor. Plus on top of his paycheck job he does side work to help save money to build a house. He had worked till 11:30 Friday night, got up Saturday and went to work, came home helped me get the house ready for company, went with me grocery shopping, and then Sunday we had friends over. He was tried and I was being bratty because I didn’t get what I want when I wanted it. I went back to him and knelt at his feet and apologized for my lack of respect and patience. When I kneel to apologize it is hard but very humbling. I feed his dominance through my submission. He stood me up to tell me that it is not my job to dictate when things are done. I have chosen him as my leader and I must let him lead. If I would have been patient there would have been no need for an outburst. My homework would have been competed in the morning so that I would feel Daddy as I sat at my desk all day. He put more thought into it than I gave him credit for. I wasn’t trusting. And in not trusting him I was not letting go of the control.
I hope this helps you. Please feel free to message me if you ever want to just chat. Sorry for any grammar errors or if things are worded funny I write this on my phone and I hate proof reading on this thing.
Much love ❤️
Kleine -
Thank you for such great insight Kleine! I had to wait until Sir left to reply because as I was reading this I started to cry. When you said you were focusing on him and what he was or was not doing I totally lost it. That’s exactly what I am doing! I completely understand that some aspects can not be in your face with kids around and my hubby also works very hard and has a funky schedule. (He works 5pm-330am). However that heart pull and empty feeling overwhelms me.
I am def going to give your suggestions a try. I sometimes think he believes he will not be able to control himself with others around and that’s why he seems so lax but from your example he could be doing his own work and has his own ideas and I keep spoiling them with MY attitude.
I also grew up in a female dominated house and so did he. His father died when he was 9. I also watched my mom bounce between an abusive submission relationship that required things I want to do for my husband but that were soiled my the domineering relationship I saw. I think it surprised him also that I wanted the things I used to scoff at. But ttwd is much deeper and much more loving and is centered on love and respect and that deep connection is exactly what I want. I believe he does too.
I’ll be honest when I say I’ve read the blogs but I did bounce around. I think I will take all your wonderful advice and start these blogs from the beginning and start implementing your steps to help me transition and let him do him. I am certain that I get in his way and because he has that wonderful sweet daddy side he backs off.
I’m not sure he is aware of downtime or anything else as far as those little (big really) things go but MY full submission may be exactly what he needs.
I hope all that made sense lol I am also on a phone so it’s hard to go back and forth.
Thank you thank you thank you. You have been so helpful. Fingers crossed for me please!
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Welcome to the site Inkd. The beginning can be tough. Wolf, my husdom, is an extremely gentle man and it took some time for things to change. We have only been doing ttwd since Feb of this year. At one point he got so angry at me for not doing something the way he wanted me to. I asked him why he just didn’t make me do it over instead of getting mad. I still remember how he looked at me like I had two heads and said something like “That would be ok with you?” YES that is more than ok, it would have been much better than you getting angry with me. Now, if he wants something he tells me to do it. It has made things much easier, but it didn’t happen over night and we are still learning. BTW, we’ve been married 34 years. Pop over to the Daily subMrs Chat and ask away if you have any questions.
Hugs,
Pearl -
Thank you Pearl! Yes, I think my husdom looked at me that way too. For years I would role my eyes at the sound of someone saying “Obey your husband!” I even laughed and almost refused to say I would love, honor and OBEY him in our wedding vows….hehe.. Little did I know 5 years later I would be begging for it.
OH I did have a question and I am not so comfortable yet to post it in chat with “live” people….but do Dom’s journal too? or just the Sub for him to read? Or is that something personal to each dynamic?
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Of course! Happy to share! My Sir has a hard time believing me too. We had to have a conversation about how submission does not come naturally to me but is something I desire and with that desire I want to learn. I expressed how I need his help and guidance. That conversation seemed to really help him understand where I was coming from and my need for his dominance.
Journaling tip: Get a journal and write down what you learn from the blogs so you can go bAck and re read what you learned in your own words. Helps things stick better for me anyway:)
Fingers Crossed! You will do great! Message me anytime. 🙂
Much love
Kleine ❤️
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