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Dom guilt?
So… we are about 9 months into our D/s-M journey now. In the beginning, my Sir (like many of yours, I’m sure) struggled with whether it was really okay to dominate me. The message from society that women should be treated as independent equals, along with a Catholic upbringing was a lot to overcome.
But his natural alpha male traits won out, and with assurance from me that this really is my heart’s desire, he embraced the role of Dom with gusto. That’s where it gets complicated.
This has unleashed a side of him that he didn’t know was there, and it makes him very aggressive towards me sexually, in a way that completely disregards my comfort and preferences. And now he is back to “What kind of MONSTER am I???? I love this woman, and I kind of want to tear her apart.” It’s like the more he lets his inner Dom take over, he finds needs that surprise him, and the guilt cycle repeats.
I suggested that this would be a FABULOUS topic for him to bring up in the HusDOM chat, but I thought I would get feedback on this side too. How many of your Sirs have this kind of guilt cycle?
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6 Replies
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Staci, Your Sir is NOT ALONE! Many of our husDOM’s have this doubt or feelings due to they were all taught you never strike a woman. You only respect them. Just as we now are taught that being a submissive woman is for the weak and abused woman only. Men are chastised these days to show any dominance.
Mr Fox has talked about this subject on husDOM.com many times. He has repeatedly said those words to me, “What kind of monster am I” ? “This part of me I tucked away as vanilla, I was ashamed of”. I even think there is a post talking about this feeling that new husDOMs may have.
But as time went buy this has diminished and he now accepts his Dom. This would be a great thing to ask Mr. Fox at our joint live chat tonight. I will ask him to maybe comment here.. But I encourage your Sir to get on husDOM and talk about it there. His answers and support are at husDOM.com
HUGS! XOXOX LK
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This happened to us as well in the beginning. What made it worse was when we were researching online, the videos we watched and the articles we read, were in Sir’s opinion too extreme for him. He told me that if THAT is what I wanted, he couldn’t give it to me. Once we found these sites though, things started to “click” a bit better and he didn’t feel as put off by the idea. Sir’s biggest demand in our dynamic is respect…not just from me, but he demands it for himself toward me, as well. Once we established that rule (yes, he established that one rule for himself), I think things started to flow better and he started to grow into his Dom easier. That is one reason why when we were doing our limits list in the beginning, I think he was relieved when I hard limited humiliation play. He couldn’t do anything that he thought was disrespectful to me and I didn’t want him too either.
It took my Sir a little time to get comfortable with the BDSM side. Not that he was against it, but that he was more nervous about hurting me or something. He has grown to really enjoy and accept that side of him now…it’s ok for him to like inflicting pain on me because he knows he is ultimately inflicting pleasure on me at the same time. He knows that I like to see that animal side of him…that primal look in his eyes (when I am not blind folded, lol). I don’t think he actually “likes” to cause me physical pain (he does not identify as a sadist, even though we will joke about it from time to time), as much as he enjoys watching my reactions to his touch or what ever he is doing. He likes to hear me laugh, beg or cry…to see me squirm under his actions or melt into bliss. It was a slow process but we gradually learned about new toys, new kinks and new experiences together, and it was fun!
So I guess, what I am trying to say is YES, we went through something similar too and as we discover new limits…it will continue…after all, I don’t think I could trust him like I do if he didn’t question himself about some things from time to time. That shows me that he cares about making sure things are done correctly and that we are in on this together at all times.
Smooches!
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Wow, Staci. This post is important and I’m glad you’ve written here about it. I do SO hope that Mr. Fox will be willing to come here and give his insight on this specific subject.
This is a “light bulb” post for me, so to speak, because it makes me realize why Sir is SO incredibly careful while I, on the other hand, want him to unleash. (ffs!) lol
I can tell by my thought process right now that my response here isn’t going to be concise and on point, it’s likely going to be scattered because there are so many elements in play with this topic.
I think that any loving husband who enters into a D/s-M relationship would have that caution and fear of accidental harm coming to the one he loves more than anyone or anything in the world, and perhaps they also fear SEEING and feeling their true Dom and letting him go, because that would (perhaps) make them feel the opposite of what they desire. To them, it would mean that they lost control. I can see why, in their minds, this could be a very powerful road block and certainly could cause them to continually hold back.
And, as you’ve described here, this happening when they DO unleash could cause an enormous amount of guilt and self-doubt. Trust, as we know, is one of the TOP critical components in D/s-M, and if that’s broken on any level, both people have to recover from that and work together to regain it and establish or RE-inforce boundaries.
The things that come to my mind when I read this are CHECK-IN and safety words. If you are using (green, yellow, RED… or whatever your safety words are) safety words as you have agreed to, and if he does check in with you as he needs to be, this could be avoided, I believe.
Does he check in with you during intense or new types of scenes? And does he trust that you WILL call your safety word if you really have to ? -
Thank you for your responses ladies! Your insight is very helpful.
To answer your question, lil pink cheeks, yes we use safewords. I have used them in the past, so I believe he trusts me to safeword out if I need to, and I trust that he would stop if I did.
I think the real issue for him is the discovery of these darker needs and urges, which are challenging his perception of himself.
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Oh ok, well that can’t be avoided, I don’t think. Not in this lifestyle. We learn SO much about ourselves and each other, no matter how long we’ve been together. It’s not at all easy, but I trust it’s SO worth it.
HUGS!! -
Yes!!! Dom guilt is REAL! We are going through the same thing. Thank you for sharing. It’s good to know that we are not the only ones.
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