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Drama but could really really use advice and someone to talk to
This is going to require some back story, and it’s going to be long. I’ll try to keep it to the point though. Sub and Dom advice so welcome it’s ridiculous.
My Sir and I have been D/s for about 6 years, but started getting serious about it 4 years ago. He is in the military and I am just naturally submissive and we are a really good fit. We’ve been married 12 years and have 2 children 6 and 3. About 2 years ago Sir came home from a month long TDY and shattered my heart by asking for a divorce. Turns out he’d met someone up there and we had been pretty unhappy for a while, and although he didn’t physically cheat they had lots of emotional connection and texting and phone calls. We decided to try to make our marriage work for our babies, and recommitted to each other 100%. It’s been a wonderful two years, full of hard work but lots of rewards. Until this summer, when he went TDY again, for another month, to the same place as before. I was naturally a bit upset, defenses up and whatnot. But I worked through it and we were good. Until he got home and acted weird as fuck and was evasive in answering questions and just…the way he acted I knew something wasn’t right. And I broke a big trust and peeked at his messages on his phone. He’s been sexting someone. When I asked him all the questions I could think of without admitting to sneaking a peak at his phone he flat out lied to my face. Then accused me of not trusting him (which obviously he was right). Told me I broke his heart by even asking him. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him I’d looked at his phone…he swears up and down I’m the only one for him and the plan for his future, that he loves me more than anything.
If it was up to me I’d be out of here so fucking fast. But he has made it clear that he would fight me for full custody of our babies, and being a military member he has a really solid chance of winning that fight. I also love him so much it hurts and don’t want to live without him. I made it so clear that whatever had happened I just needed the truth. I told him we could overcome anything but lies. He agreed with me…and then lied right to my face. I’m at a total loss for what to do. I want to cry constantly and I can’t eat or sleep. Do I just pretend like he’s not sexting this woman until it goes away? Do I confront him and have a huge marriage ending fight? Talking it through calmly got me nowhere but lies…I don’t know how to handle him not being completely open and honest in our communication – it’s the one thing we always swear by. I am so heartbroken. Help? - 2 Replies
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This advice isn’t really centered around Ds so I’m sorry if it’s not what you were looking for. And remember that my story isn’t your story. This is just what I learned that I feel may be of some value to you.
Oh I am so sorry. I went thru something similar in my first marriage…young kids, cheating, lies, threats to keep me in fear. I understand your pain. I could barely put my feet on the floor each day. Everyone’s relationship and reasons for staying or going are their own. I’m not saying to stay and I’m not saying to leave. Both have their sacrifices. I know two things:
1) I wished I would have left the first time, the second time, the third time. But I didn’t. And I got thrown out of my life like trash the fourth time. And deep down I knew it was coming. It was only a matter of time. If I could have a re-do that’s what I would have done. But nothing is ever that black and white. This is just food for thought.
2) don’t let threats of full custody scare you. They all say that. In my opinion his traveling in the military actually really hurts his chances of getting full custody. He may be lucky to get 50/50. I went through a three year custody battle and multiple court hearings. A three day trial as well. I was on the stand for 9 hours in that trial. I fought the good fight. There are a lot of factors that play into custody battles. So don’t let what he says scare you. You are the mother and probably the primary parent. You are their stability while he leaves. Remember how strong you are! You are mama bear! Don’t you forget your strength sister.And having some evidence of cheating is always helpful in divorce proceedings. Just sayin.
Trust the unfolding of life. Even when it seems darkest…there is always hope to grab onto….hope for something better.
And perhaps consider the possibility of opening up your marriage if he has secret desires of that. I’m not saying it’s a good idea or bad idea. I tried it in my first marriage that went to hell so it didn’t work for us but I had to try it to keep the marriage together. I had to give him the opportunity to be fully honest with no more lies. It was liberating and possibly the best time of our marriage but there was a dark side to it. A lot of jealous feelings, trust issues creeping up during it. I realized for me it was a bandaid and we needed to heal US. But he cheated again and left me. But I understand….you do what you can do to keep your marriage together.
Or break your silence, call him out on what you saw and walk into the fire ready to face the truth.
You have options. You are not powerless. You are powerful. This is your life too.
Pm me anytime.
Hang in there and take good care of yourself. Good sleep, good nutrition, focus on your time with your babies. Why? Because YOU DESERVE TO FEEL GOOD EVERY DAY. It’s true. -
LittleKitten, We spoke in the main chat room and I hope we helped you in regards to your situation. We all wish you the best! I see that this is not really about D/s but about your overall marriage. I guess you have to stand, stand up for yourself and your children. You deserve better then to be cheated on. I think a few subbies on site have offered you their help in regards to the military issue and also a few that have been divorced. I am wishing you well and hope that you find your way and come out stronger at the end of your journey. Stop in or email me LK@subMrs.com and let me know how it is going. You can do this….. (((HUGS))) LK
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