-
Someone please help
Okay so where to start. I have been trying to get my husband on board for a D/s-M relationship. I have showed him so many articles blogs, I have talked to him about what I want. He says he is on board but when it comes time he simply isn’t up to the task. He always asks when he wants me to do something. He never talks to me while he is spanking me or having sex with me. And that just doesn’t do it for me. He thinks holding me down while having sex with me is what he needs to do. His physical restraint does nothing without his words behind it. Recently the other night I got fed up and showed him what I wanted! I dominated him!!! I smacked his ass and told him he was bad! I told him everything to do and ran the show like a dominat would! I figured I could show him better then I could tell him bc I’m obviously not getting through to him even tho he says he wants this. I want to be in subspace I want to be told I’m a good girl! I want to be told what to do and when. I want to please him. But he just won’t do any of that. I don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss. I want this.I want that burning feeling in my belly when he looks at me and tells me I’m his and he will do as he pleases. Has any one else had this problem? Any help would be greatly appreciated. I’m sorry this is such a long post but I’m just at a loss… I’m ready to give up on this and just let him have sex with me and be done without getting what I want at all….
-
10 Replies
-
Hi there
I’m sorry you’re having problems right now. If I’m right you’re saying that your husband wants the lifestyle but doesn’t have the time and/or doesn’t really understand what it is YOU want.
First of all in this community there is a lot of information to be found as to how to start and LK has written a lot of awesome blogs about it. Maybe you can look through those to help you out a little. Then there is a dominant community aswel it’s called husDOM and you could ask him to look through there and sign up. That will give him guidance on this area.
I think you should communicate with him clearly what is is you seek in this lifestyle or bedroom experience and be totally open about it.
And also there is a lot of patience involved in starting this thing really. Not everyone moves at the same pace and it requires work on both sides.
You could work on your submissiveness to try and feed his domimamce.A tip to the blogs: find the one about formal acceptance, foundations and his to start D/s-M
I hope I was some help to you and good luck to you and your husband!
Jezz
-
Thank you so much for replying. He is very open to this lifestyle. We have been trying for 3 years to get this going. I know this takes so much time and patience to get this right. But yeh I don’t think he understands what I want. I have talked extensively to him about this and what I want and about what he wants out if this. He keeps telling me he wants this so bad but when the time comes he is “vanilla” all the way. He is a seriously nice guy and loves me more then anything. And has tried (I think haha) to give me what I need. He is signed up on the husdom.com website but I’m not sure how in depth he has gotten. I try really hard to always be submissive to what he wants. I take care of everything for him. When he arrives home I remove his shoes and rub his feet and send him off with his packed lunch and coffee in the morning. I take care of the house and cook and serve his dinner to him. I let him make 3/4 of the decisions around the house. What more could I do to try and feed his dominance? And just talking to someone about all this is a great help! I will go through and re read those blog posts that you have mentioned. Thank you so much!
Amber -
Hi Amber,
My heart goes out to you, and you wouldn’t believe how many women on here have expressed the same frustration. It does sound like you have put in a lot of effort to express your needs and give your submission.
Are you doing regularly scheduled Downtime according to these guidelines?
https://submrs.com/downtime-ds-married-lifestyle/Hugs,
Staci -
Trixie, I try to put alot of effort into doing things around the house to help get me in that submissive mindset. I try my best in the bedroom as well. He choses everything we do. Sometimes I offer a suggestion sometimes as to which position. I have tried and given up many times at being submissive he doesn’t give me much desire to submit tho sometime. And about how I showed him what I wanted he responded well. Personally I think I did a better job at dominating him. I walked into the room and owned the place! And he is signed up on the other website just have to get him to get on and take it seriously. When he tries to dominate I just don’t feel it. I feel like he is just going through the motions. When he gives me orders he basically asks and that just doesn’t do it for me. I’m sorry I’m rambling on and on… it’s just I’ve never been able to tell anyone my frustrations about this. But don’t get me wrong about this whole thing I love this man more then anything! He is my best friend and my better half. Sometimes I think he is just too nice. I have brought up the downtime thing and he mostly blows me off about the ritual sruff and protocol. I’m glad I’m not alone in having this issue with my man makes me feel less alone. But thank you guys for listening sorry it was so long.
Amber -
Hi Amber,
Is it possible that he’s stuck in his head that he’s supposed to treat you with respect? It’s the hardest thing for my husband to get over. Outside of the house (and sort of inside the house when the kids may notice) we are equals. When we get home, yes, I make his coffee, dinner, housework, etc. but in the bedroom? He’s definitely my Sir. Now, the first thing he told me was that he had a hard time trying to tell me what he wanted because he was brought up that you just don’t treat women like that (he’s Swiss). But, with telling him that this is what I wanted, and explained to him all of the ways I was already being submissive, it must have flipped a switch. He’s not there 100% yet, but he’s learning. Some guys just have to be reprogrammed into understanding that what we want isn’t about him looking at us as lower than him, or being disrespectful, etc. Just my two cents. I would keep at it. I know I had found an article out there about nice guys and BDSM, I just don’t know that I’m allowed to post it here. When I sent it to my husband, he told me that was exactly how he looked at it. So, once his mind was at ease (and it took a straight year of talking), he finally started……
-
Hi Amber,
I am only 6 months in, but at the beginning my Sir did really struggle. We were very very vanilla. Honestly until I discovered here and gently encouraged my Sir onto husDOM did things move forward. He really had no idea so he wasn’t engaging in how i wanted him to. But we are both changing. Communication is key. We started a journal i write in which my Sir reads and that has helped him. Read LK’s blogs, i gained so much information and guidance from them.Missy
-
Hi Iliveforhim,
My suggestion is maybe he is more visual than literal. So maybe find some D/s type porn that you like and watch it with him. During which let your Sir know what you think is super hot. Such as( “Sir I love the way the dominant in the scene is commanding and telling the sub to get down on her knees and to worship his cock”. You might also want to ask your Sir after watching what he liked and would like to try. I have done this with my Sir before.
-
Hi, I won’t be much help, but I empathize. It took almost leaving my husband before he started listening to me. There has been a bit of progress since then, over the last year. But he often doesn’t seem get the point of it, and he would never have ventured into D/s without my repeated pushing. Not that we have much opportunity with a young child and both working. He has joined HusDom, but unless I remind him, he doesn’t look at it. I may try Puddingpop’s advice.
So, you’re not alone in your frustration!
-
Trixie, I’ve tried bratting out but didn’t get much if a response from him.kmeyer, I think you may have hit the nail on the head. He is always so respectful to me and treats me like I’m a princess. He never sticks to his guns when it comes to me. And I will totally look for that article you mentioned! I hope with continued communication and work we can get to a good place! We are going to find some good D/s porn and check that out together bc he is very visual. He said he is going to start getting on husdom.com more too so maybe some banter with some of your Sir’s will help him on his way! And morningglory i coukd agree more! He does the actions but there isn’t anything behind it. I told him you can physically restrain me all you want but if you don’t engage my brain we aren’t getting anywhere. Thank you all for all of your suggestions and support!!!
-
Well empathy is what seems to be missing in the world these days ? so I guess that alone is helpful ?
Log in to reply.