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Does he want to be a Dom? Can he be one?
Hi there,
I am new here.
We have been together for almost 20 years now. Sex has always been great, and in the past 5 years or so it became kinkier than ever.
Recently I have connected the dots and realized I was a sub but did not know it had a name ;). At the same time I realized that kink was not enough and that I want to be dominated as well.
I requested formally about 2 weeks ago. (Thank you @LK for a great post. It was very helpful). It was so beautiful and so emotional. He said yes but asked that it will be in addition to regular vanilla sex and not exclusively D/s. I agreed of course.He is willing to go for it (being a Dom from time to time, bedroom only) for me, but it seems like his heart is not there. He likes the kinky aspects a lot but there are 2 things he finds more difficult:
A. he is very busy (has his own company) and is reluctant to plan a scene and execute it, mainly because it is perceived by him as “another chore”. In that sense it seems like it is mostly I who lead the way (buying new toys, trying more extreme stuff).
B. He feels this is “not right” to do these things to someone you love and let alone to the mother of your kid.In addition to that he hasn’t done any reading that I know of about D/s relationship (as I said, very busy). He expresses his dominance only in the bedroom, in things like deciding all my butt plugs will be made of glass (he likes the looks of it) but he won’t let me call him Sir (too formal for him).
Since I asked him formally we had much more sex, it was amazing, and I feel even more intimate with him than we were (didn’t think that was possible. We were always a very good match intimately).
I feel he can be an amazing Dom, still, I can’t help feeling I might be trying to make him something he is not. I keep reminding myself of all the times he asserted his will and I really do believe he can become a Dom, but for now it is I who is the kinkier one in our relationship and I feel dominance should be a state of mind, not a once-in-a-whole thing in the bedroom, but I really don’t want to push it.
I am very satisfied sexually, and emotionally I am still craving for dominance from his side.
Has anyone here had struggled with this type of situation?
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2 Replies
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There is a really good blog post that LK did call run fall and scarp your knees. At the very start of diving into D/s it took a while for my own Sir to adjust and process the whole concept of D/s. It was frustrating at times I will admit. But I continued to talk with my Sir and explain my needs. For the start I have made it clear to Sir it is not all about the kinky play. At this point Sir understands it is definitely not just that and he sees it. Also I made sure to submit to Sir such as him asking or mentioning something needed to get done I got it done that day or started on it. For him I think that also helped him see this was much more than a kinky play thing for me. My point is to beibg honest communicate respectful and the hardest one patient is really hard at first but if persevered your D/S relationship will totally bloom from the bud it is now. Not sure if that really helps but I just wanted to send some encouragement to you.
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Thank you Puddingpop for a most encouraging feedback.
It seems like my intuition already led me to do some of the things you have mentioned like meeting requests.
My three main takeaways from your post are patience, honesty and the understanding that my ongoing submission will eventually induce His dominance. This feels right because voids tend to fill up and eventually His dominance would fill the void created by my submission.
Thank you Puddingpop.
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