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hello, advice please ladies??
hello everyone, ive been a bit of a lurker on here for a couple of months, this is my first post. hiiii.
Im leonie, Im 30 married for almost 6 years been together 14 years. i have borderline personality disorder and cyclothymia which is a form of bipolar, also a few lovely anxiety disorders thrown in for good measure. I have two beautiful children one is autistic and hes my shadow.
anyway thats my intro. now comes my question. hubs and i have dabbled in some bdsm play spanning over a few years. I identify as a submissive but also a masochist, i need pain to get me off. Anyway im not entrely sure he is into it or he does it just cos i like it. But im getting to a point now where i want to live the lifestyle more 24/7 not the odd time when we have sex. im kind of stumped as to how to bring this up. were not big talkers generally and myself especially talking about things brings me into a panic. But this is something i believe i need. i have always had these kinks but before the 50 shades saga came out bdsm wasnt very mainstream. so i kept it to myself. But im 30 now and ive decided from now i need to make changes in my life so i can enjoy living, i already fight hard every day with my various mental health issues. And when we do play it takes all my panic and stress away. any advice on how to bring this up for a very anxious person? anything no matter how big or small is much appreciated. thanks ladies -
5 Replies
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I have anxiety too, my advice is to ask your sir for a talk aka downtime and be completely honest in what you need show him links and ask him to join husdom. He will maybe be a bit overwhelmed so have patience with him, let him read around. My experience is that some men are not as much into reading assome women are. Maybe just send him links of what you would like him to check out. But if you want a D/s marriage you’ll need to communicate. It’s based on honesty,trust,communication amongst other things. It’s a lot of work in the beginning, but it will get easier, your sir might surprise you and maybe wanting it as much as you. So think about how much you want it and push your anxiety aside. Cos it comes down to weather you want it or not ? My sirs control helps so much with my anxiety, cos he feels me spinning and tells me to relax and that he’s got this. In return I give him my submission and what he needs e.i feeding each other ( the circle) lk has so many great post about those things in here.
I was so afraid to ask even though we have always been somewhat D/s but my sir surprised me cos it was excactly “what the doctor ordered” to get our relationship back on track. We have been together almost 10 years and we’re silly in love ?
Hope it helped a bit
/hugs and sub-port Simone -
Hi Mrs. H –
Welcome to the site!
What’s most important for this dynamic to work is to build your foundation: trust, respect, honesty, intimacy, and communication.
You say you two aren’t generally talkers… Well, you kinda need to be, or at least you need to find a way to effectively communicate. Maybe write your thoughts down. What you said above is something you can write to him. Write him a note, put questions in there to ask him, and ask him to respond. (And please, don’t text or email this – this is a subject that needs direct face to face communication – see “downtime” below. Tone is not conveyed through these forms of communication, and it’s easy for things to be misunderstood). You aren’t a mind reader & neither is he – how can either of you have your needs met if you don’t know what the other desires?
You say you don’t know if he really wants this or is doing this because he knows you like this. This is a question you do need answered.
Schedule some downtime – official downtime, you on your knees with him in a chair, if possible – not just a simple “let’s just talk.” Downtime is not a “confrontation.” It is an open, honest, thoughtful, respectful discussion. There is a certain formality to it, the power exchange even though you are equal. Have your thoughts and questions written down for him. You can read to him, or have him read your words. Answer his questions or explain as needed. Remember to have an open mind, an open heart for this discussion. Remember the intimacy of this dynamic. Be patient. If he’s not able to answer questions immediately, schedule another downtime within the next day or two. Keep up the formality of it – this keeps you both in your respective roles within the dynamic.
Here are some of LK’s words that may inspire you. Take a look at them at their respective blog posts:
submrs.com/…
finding-pleasure-ds-m-little-kaninchen
foundation
intimacy
how-to-begin-ds-m
downtime-ds-married-lifestyle
submissive-advise-formal-acceptance-ds-lifestylefsog-lifestyle
submissive-lessons-run-fall-scrape-knees
Write down your thoughts as you read. Think about what you want to tell him – what you want him to hear.
Is he on HusDom? If not, gently encourage him to sign up, so he can read & research. And chat with some of the other guys, if he likes.
It’s important that both of you are on the same page. And the only way you’re gonna know, and be there, is if you communicate.
I understand your anxiety about it – it’s not easy. Breathe through it. Take things one step at a time – slowly. This isn’t a race. This is your relationship. He is your HusDom – trust him, trust in him. Respect him. Be honest with him. Build your intimacy. Talk to him. This takes time, patience, and perseverance.
I hope this helps.
~ gracie
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I agree with Gracie that you gently suggest it, my puts came across as a bit demanding. That wasn’t my intention ?
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Hi Mrs. H,
welcome 🙂
I can relate so much! I am only 3 months in with my Sir, but my communication was very poor.. I would get panic attacks trying, because my anxiety was so heightened. I have a journal which is for Sir, i write any random thoughts and he reads it and quite often replies twice a week. If there is a particular topic I feel he needs to read sooner I will ask him to and he always will. He has a very good understanding of my anxiety and depression(we have been together 13 years) and it really helps him understand where I am at and he’s always grateful. Spoken communication when it comes to feelings is extremely difficult for me, but we schedule downtime weekly, its always emotional for me but its something we both want to improve.
D/s-M started for us through text messages initially, then in person. My Sir understood my written word just comes easier and it was the best thing that happened. He has said my communication has improved in leaps and bounds. Just starting it can be scary, so I used my strength. Remember not saying anything leaves you in the same position so you can be no worse off.
Good Luck.
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Mrs. H,
Welcome to my site. I have to ask exactly what was your question? How to communicate?
Why does sitting with your Sir and talking give you anxiety? You can write some notes and read from them but I advise to sit face to face when you read them to him. I need to ask if you did your purge and wipe the slate clean exercise as well before you started your D/s-M?None of us here of medical professionals and we all wish you the best. Do you see a therapist? Hey, ask them how they would advise you to sit and communicate better with your husband… I am sure they have some great ideas for you as well.
Wish you the best,
LK
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