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Submission – is it a gift?
A member posted some time ago about how submission is a gift we bestow upon our Dominants. Many who replied agreed. I would like to respectfully offer a divergent opinion. I think to view our submission as a gift is too simple and actually insulting. D/s is incredibly hard. It’s a lovely idea to think of our submission all wrapped up in pretty paper, tied with a bow and presented to our Masters while we kneel. That’s so romantic!
When we first enter the lifestyle we want to jump in with both feet and do all the really cool stuff like rope bondage and weird positions, flogging, and kinky fuckery. Some of us enjoy humiliation, pain, polyamory, heavy impact… etc, etc. We want to try it all in our first few weeks. Well, it doesn’t work that way! D/s is a complex relationship which must be built very slowly on mutual respect and negotiation. What does your Dominant enjoy? What are you willing to try or learn? Did you know there are many D/s relationships in which love doesn’t even have a place at all? But we here are involved in D/s marriages.
Even moreso, why would our submission be just a gift to our husband? If it is a gift, do you “take it back” when the D/s no longer works? D/s is a contractual agreement EVEN if it’s only an oral agreement. Submission (and Domination) are self-serving as much as we may not want to admit this to ourselves. We entered into this lifestyle or thing we do because (and only because) it makes us feel good.
Maybe this is why some sunbmissives have issues with their Dominants who just plain are not ready for this lifestyle. Don’t present your submission to Him on a silver platter – talk it over, negotiate the terms, agree to both be open to occasional failures. After all, we’re all human.
I apologize if my post offends anyone.
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27 Replies
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Let me just say I am NOT offended and I want to offer maybe a differ way to look at things. I guess my question is why you feel insulted by someone else’s truth? This person feels like its a gift they are giving. Just as your justified to what D/s is to you. D/s-M is a lot of work on both sides, submissive and Dominants the same. Both have to engage and learn how to be better in our roles. In D/s-M the foundations are built on MUTUAL, Respect, Trust, Honesty, Communication and Love.
It’s a beautiful thing. When it is just work and no fun is when anyone should question why it is that way. You work hard and you get to play hard. Don’t take yourself too serious so that you can forgive yourself when you do fall. I hear your venting, letting go of that energy is a good thing. But, we all are submissives and our submission means many things to each one of us. Thanks for writing in the forum. HUGS LK -
I am insulted if a submissive views her submission as a gift because that is simplistic and may lead to problems in the D/s relationship. It does not personally insult me what two consenting adults do to or with one another. I said that everyone must be open to failure and that D/s is based on negotiation – open honest negotiation. If the new aspect of a couple’s journey (the D/s) is seen as the subMrs’s gift to her HusDom and only as a gift, I believe this might lead to miscommunication and problems.
Of course D/s is beautiful when it works and the path is mutually agreed upon and both parties agree and accept their responsibilities, freely and openly. But what if a wife wants this, very much, and her husband tries but just can’t see himself in the role? Then it is not so beautiful, and is very sad in fact. There will be dissatisfaction and maybe a rift in their marriage. I don’t think I’m venting. This is a chatroom, no? I only found it fascinating that a number of submissives see their submission as a gift when I do not view mine in that way, nor does my beloved, my husband. my Master, my Dominant.
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I have seen the gift analogy many places. I think sometimes it is directed at the Dominant as a lesson to see the submission as a precious gift given and treat it as such.
I agree that it can be self-centered for a submissive to assume it will be accepted that way. I was certainly caught up in the frenzy and taken a back when he didn’t jump right in and run with this gift I had given him. I wrote a post about it being a gift that maybe the potential Dom didn’t necessarily want or know what to do with.
Now I see his domination as a gift. That does not mean it isn’t work for him. It most certainly is. This is not something that he needed. He loves me and wants to give this to me. He is very happy with his return on investment though. 😉 I treasure it because it is a precious gift to me.
So I think it is in the eye of the beholder. If the Dom feels it is a gift then it is. That doesn’t mean it isn’t work for either party.
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Great points Princess! LK
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I always try to keep things anabolic here so I want to stay positive and offer a different way for others to look at things and their D/s-M. But to some ladies they do think of their submission as a gift. Some think it literal and some think it as a general statement. A gift defined means many things, basic definition is “an offering”. submission is an offering. It can’t be taken.
One of the main tools I am always preaching is DOWNTIME. Communicate…Communicate …. Communicate what your desires are and what their desires are so you both share your vision and expectations. D/s-M unfortunately is NOT for every couple and once you take a bite it can taste very good. Couples do have to have that Formal Acceptance time and enter into negotiating their visions for one another.
Mr. Fox thanks me for my gift everyday. I do offer and he accepts. Thank you for sharing and I appreciate you sharing your point of view.HUGS… LK -
Princess, thanks for replying, I really like what you wrote. One can certainly view it both ways. In fact I suppose many vanilla couples see their love as a gift to each other – and to them, there is great significance and beauty in that. I do not mean to belittle what each couple has. If your own words, rituals, and protocols have value to you and your Dom, then that is ALL that counts.
To my Master and I (I guess you could say we are both pretty cerebral) it is more in our actions than in rituals (at least at this point). In fact He doesn’t care one iota about me kneeling before Him. He knows I serve Him with the proper respect, behavior and actions in my service. So everyone’s D/s protocols are different. There may come a time when He will want things differently. But He EXPECTS my behavior to be the agreed-upon way – it’s not my gift to Him. This is our way. I hope I have explained it. Mind you, I struggle with my submission, and He knows it, but that aspect of the relationship has nothing to do with how we both view D/s – as a mutually agreed-upon aspect of our relationship.
By the way, it is these types of discussions which I really really enjoy- understanding what makes everyone tick!
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This is a very interesting thread and I have to say, I haven’t seen many on here that open up a debate. We just really need to be careful to use words that are respectful and don’t inadvertently insult, offend or hurt another. We need to own our own thoughts and feelings, without projecting onto others. After reading the thread my own opinion has evolved. Initially the “Gift” analogy seemed to resonate with me. But as I read and think more, it may not be a “gift” from me after all. Bratty, you actually brought that to the forefront for me with this comment: If it is a gift, do you “take it back” when the D/s no longer works? D/s is a contractual agreement EVEN if it’s only an oral agreement.
That got me to thinking about using the word “gift” in our D/S-M arrangement. Sometimes mere words can not describe relationships and what works for one couple, doesn’t for another. I would never dream of taking a “Gift” back, but if something happens in our D/s-M, that would need to change the dynamic, then since it is a type of “contract”, it could be re-negotiated or even revoked. A gift I give, will never be “taken back”. Maybe it is an hourly/daily gift that I give to him! 🙂 At any rate, thank you for getting me to think a bit deeper of the words used to attempt to put a label on something, that perhaps, is better left “unlabeled” for me.
Hugs,
Bliss -
Hi Bliss,
Thanks so much for responding. I do agree that oftentimes words are incomplete to describe the enormity of the D/s dynamic. Sometimes it seems as if it changes day-to-day! It is true that when I give someone a gift, I too will never take it back. That’s the old “Indian giving” syndrome (so belittling and demaning to native Americans.) Still, when Master and I mutually negotiated our D/s (together) he said it would be a complete and total power exchange and he was taking my control from me. I was not giving it as a gift – our D/s was an agreement.What I am attempting to say and probably failing at, is that if some couples’ D/s does not work out (and often times it does not, sad to say) then the submissive’s gift has badly backfired! I suggest, perhaps thinking of it in different terms, as a mature negotiation between two consenting adults, might be a better way to go. If anyone chooses to see their submission as a gift – and this works for them, more power to them. There is no “one way” for everyone.
Wishing you all the best on your journey,
bratty -
I personally view my submission as a gift…one that I wake up every morning and decide to give to Sir. I have a choice every day to either be submissive or not…and I choose everyday to give that to him. He can control a lot of what I do, say or how I act and behave, but he can’t ultimately control that part of our D/s. He has told me that if ever there came the day that I felt this lifestyle was not working for us and we just couldn’t get it back on track, he would respect that and we would stop. Do I EVER see that happening? No, of course not, but I have no idea what the future holds for us.
I also view Sir’s dominance as a gift to me…I asked for it and he decided to go on this great adventure with me and he also chooses every day to uphold that responsibility. In fact, Sir’s may be even greater than mine seeing as how his agreeing to becoming my Dom involved adding more responsibilities on top of the ones he already has.
Yes, describing it as a gift may be simplistic, but as stated above, to really put into words what my submission is or how I view it is extremely complex. There are certain aspects that I really don’t think I can put into words. So, gift…a thing given willingly to someone without payment, works for me.
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I think many people associate the word “gift” with a present – a prettily wrapped item to be given and received on a special occasion. That is one meaning for “gift”. When I think of submission as something I give and gift to my partner I’m not think of it in terms of some hastily chosen item given out of obligation to be returned at the earliest opportunity for something that will be of greater use and value. I mean no disrespect with my previous statement. I know others who do not view their submission as a “gift”, because that is how they seem to view “gift” and they value their submission (or their partner’s) much more than a thoughtlessly given trinket. When speaking about submission as a gift it takes on a much more complex meaning for me.
Firstly, my submission is an personal trait. Something that for me is innate but also an ability that that I can nurture, practice, and grow. I hate being in charge of other adults. I would much rather be in a supporting role. I love serving my husband, doting on him, being his sounding board, offering my advice in a loving way, and then letting him make the decisions, lead our family, and guide me. I/We did this when we were vanilla. Being submissive is a part of me. Recognizing my submissive nature makes me stronger, more confident, more sure of myself and more secure in my marital role. Recognizing and embracing my submission is a gift to me.
My submission is also a gift to my husband, a part of me that I share with him, supporting, loving, following him. I can’t give it away like a watch or a book. I have to actively be involved to make it work. I have to constantly be striving to submit as he asks. My submission isn’t always a conscious thought because much of what I do is practiced habit. I don’t consciously think everyday “Will I be submissive to him today? Yes.” I think it’s like being a good parent, good friend, good spouse; somedays are easy and others take more effort but the effort is worth it. It’s making the choice of doing as he asks or as I know he wants, consciously or not, that shows my commitment everyday. And when I slip and struggle, because I’m not perfect, I recommit to try again. We both treasure my submission as something special in me and our marriage.
I know some women need their husband’s dominance to bring out their submission. It’s a balancing act, the more dominant he is the more submissive she is. That is what works for them. Having my husband’s dominance is wonderful. I love feeling it. But it’s not innate for him, it’s something he’s learning, growing and really enjoying. His dominance is a gift to me and is becoming a gift to himself. He is more confident and decisive, at home, at work, with friends. Does he “require” my submission? Sometimes. But that doesn’t make it less of a gift that just makes it more fun. ?
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Hello Betty,
That was beautiful written lady and perfectly said….Bravo!LT
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Well this is an interesting thread to say the least. When we talk about our submission as a “gift” since this seems to be the challenging word. I look at this word as figuratively and not literally. I freely give my sir my submission and he in return accepts it so it is a gift in my opinion. If we are going to be honest here when you are married you already have a partnership that is gifted with love, respect, trust and communication. We are just adding to this partnership with Domination and submission. I believe that marriage and a D/s lifestyle is alot of work on both parties and we are both gifted with a common goal.. A happy and healthy marriage with Domination and submission. I truly believe that submission is a “Gift” that my sir happily accepts!!
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I have personally never seen my submission/slavery as a gift but I can see why others would see their submission as a gift. In order for submission to be a gift then dominance has to be a gift too so when you give each other your gifts it becomes magical and you have the D/s relationship you want and have worked for.
I don’t see my submission/slavery as a gift but maybe an offering 🙂 -
When I initially saw this thread in the forum I was exceedingly happy. This questions ‘is submission a gift’ in my mind is a great topic to be discussed. This is because everyone looks at it differently and have different reasons for why they do or do not view their submission as a gift. I will not lie I was one of those Ladies who was nervous about commenting because I readily realized that I would probably get attacked for what I was going to post because I do view my submission as a gift.
I think it is how you (or anyone) is using the word gift. No, I did not present my Sir with a neatly wrapped box, tied with string, that enclosed my submission. It is not that kind of gift. It is however a gift in my opinion. There are several definitions for the word gift 1 something given voluntarily without payment in return, honor an occasion 2 the act of giving 3 something bestowed or acquired without any particular effort by the recipient. All 3 of these definitions in some way do have meaning to my submission.
For me personally I have experienced things in life that make me not open up to people or trust them easily. I do not ask for help unless I absolutely need it. The circumstances I grew up in taught me a strong sense of self-preservation. Because of these things you may think it is impossible for me to to be submissive to my Sir, but you would be incorrect in thinking this. Yes, it has been difficult so far and I am still very much learning, but I know this is what I need and want because at one point this was me. So for me, my submission is definitely a gift. I am giving my Sir my submission because I love him, have faith in him, and trust him wholeheartedly to take care of me. It is a gift in the respect that I have given him my submission on my own. I have laid my submission at his feet for him to take and be proud of. I have given him my respect, love, and trust all of which are foundations for any D/s relationship; which encompasses my submission and his dominance. So yes, I look at my submission as a gift. Referring to (my) submission as a gift may be a very simple way of looking at it (and it is) but that does not mean it is not true.
The definition I want to focus on is honoring an occasion. My Sir and I are married and have been for 4 years the end of April, together 6 years total. We have come a long way in that time. We have dealt with infertility, declining health in family, relocating due to jobs and family, and our own issues we had to work through that are normal for new married couples. We have been through so much and are finally in a place where I have faith that we are ready to start our new D/s relationship. 2 years ago there is no way, even a year ago would have been exceedingly rough; things are finally starting to calm down in our lives. For me that is an occasion, and why would I not want to honor that occasion by taking our marriage to the next level with my Husband and now Sir? I am honoring my marriage by giving my Sir my submission. So yes, my submission is a gift for so many reasons and on so many levels.
I was reading the responses and Emily said “if submission is a gift then dominance must be a gift too”. This statement is very true. Just because I came to my Sir and gave him my submission did not guarantee he would give me his dominance. So dominance likewise is a gift because our Sirs give us their dominance. Viewing submission and dominance as a gift does not indicate these roles and the D/s relationship as a whole do not take work. It just indicates how special the whole thing is – roles and all. If someone comes into a D/s relationship thinking it does not take work then they have not done their research and they will be very surprised, and that is on them
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Some may have been offended but this thread has more replies than most.
It is nice to see many members chime in with their views.
Sometimes I’d like to hear differing opinions. You may say something that makes me think differently.
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Last post, I promise. I will say a big BRAVO to everyone who was interested enough to post their thoughts. I did apologize for offending anyone, and it was heartfelt. I truly did not intend nor mean to belittle nor demean anyone’s lifestyle, protocol, or personal dynamic. As I did say, if I personally am insulted, it shouldn’t hurt anyone else’s feelings. To me it’s the same thing as voting. If I decide to vote for a specific candidate, and you don’t agree, why should you take offense?
But anyway, I loved and appreciate what everyone wrote becaue it got all of you thinking and that is what is important to me. Thank you all for taking time to do this!! I love you all and apologize again and again because I mean no harm and I respect all of you and your submission no matter what form it takes. Your words were beautiful and mean so much to me EVEN if I disagree.
PS: nothing wrong with boring, but we like action and spice too!Blessings and peace!
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I personally don’t like metaphors lol but assuming submission is a gift and I get to choose whether I give my Master it or not…
I ask for cake and Master says no so I take back my submission for 10 minutes to eat cake and give him back after.
You can choose when to give it or not. Literally, that is what it means to me. If our dynamic was like that I wouldn’t be happy with it because Master would be wondering will she give it to me today/for this situation? It becomes cloudy. But I am slave! His slave and I made one decision to be his and everything else that follows is pretty much up to him. That decision is not one I can take back when it suits me. That is how I view submission as a gift and why I do not want my slavery to be called that. That may not be true for other submissives and that’s okay. I think viewing your submission as a gift could depend on whether you’re a sub or a slave since the general set up of the dynamic is different. A slave is not better than a sub and a sub is not better than a slave. I think if your submission is a gift and you give it you shouldn’t take it back unless it is being abused because in reality if you give someone an actual gift you would not take it back. If you do give it, it should be ensured that you won’t take it back. But at the same time, he can refuse your gift. I don’t think there is a reason why someone will want to take it back though because now everything is more magical! And everyone likes magic!It really doesn’t matter if you see it as a gift or not once it works for you. Some people think the hitachi wand is the best thing ever and some people don’t. If you like it great for you, if you don’t like it also great for you. It doesn’t make you less of a sub if you don’t or you do. It’s what you like, include it in your toy box or don’t. It doesn’t reduce/add to your submission. Point is, it doesn’t matter.
Emily
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Ok so I too was a little leery to comment on this as I avoid confrontation at all costs online and in my real life, but my 2 cents: my Sir views my submission as a gift (or offering) and in fact needs to due to my past where things were taken from me. A story I won’t share right now, but Sir needs to see this as me giving him my submission, my trust, etc. It took a long time for me to get here and if Sir sees it as a gift/offering/choice then that is what it is to Us. He would never call it “only a gift” “just a gift” or “simply a gift”. Everyone’s dynamic is different. I would even venture to say the rest of our dynamic is a verbal contract of sorts, but an ever changing one. There are so many things I said a year ago I would NEVER do and now I crave those things and trying new things.
On lighter note: I beg to differ with a couple of you (lol) I do offer Sir a pretty pink “box” every morning neatly wrapped in the thong or lacy cheekies of his choosing lol
Princess Pea
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I find this to be a very interesting topic. Is my Submission a gift? I would say for me yes. It is a gift I give to Sir everyday. I also feel our marriage is a gift. I think of a gift as something you give from the heart and even if it isn’t perfect the other person loves it…not for the gift itself but for the fact that you offered it to them. That you wanted to share it with them. ( I hope that made sense).
I don’t want to drag anything out but I do want to quickly add…. Remember—-We don’t know everyone’s stories or situations. The topics are ( at least I think so) supposed to get you thinking a bit outside the box from your own dynamics. OR to help others see and relate to something they have going on that maybe you felt to. Sure nothing is roses and sunshine all the time and people will differ in opinions but isn’t that why we post? To grow, learn, laugh and cry together? I think if it doesn’t help, nurture, cause a giggle or subport a sub when they are down. Don’t post it.
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Ladies, Thank you so much for your comments. Never be leery… I am happy that everyone is engaging. I want to also reminding everyone that you get the energy you put out. So you are positive, you get positive back… You are respectful to others.. You get respect back…. So important to use your submissive tools and foundations even with other submissives and anyone around you. I really am so blessed to have wonderful ladies out here and I want to say thank you all… Now, can someone start a new topic and we can get off this! LMsAO!!! LK
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Thank you all for posting and sharing your different opinions on the term ‘gift’ and how it effects you and your partner. I find a lot of the terminology in the life to be interesting choices, and it’s funny how one word or term can shape each and every dynamic.
For me my submission is a gift, the gift of myself, and it brings with it all of my strengths and weaknesses, my successes and my failures, my experiences, feelings and more importantly the gift of always trying. I can see where the term gets applied differently based on peoples personal experiences in life with the term from the vanilla world (as it is commonly used) and I think you have to set your own meaning to it.
My M also lets me know his Dom is a gift to me, which comes only on my submission to him. -
Great post. Puts things in perspective as a new/developing sub.
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