-
My D/s and mental health journey
I don’t know if this is the correct forum, but it seems like the only one that fits my topic.
My decision to bring up the topic of implementing D/s into my marriage was not one I made lightly. BDSM is not something I had never experienced or knew nothing about, but it was not an active part of our relationship. It was more something on the top shelf of the closet that might get pulled out and dusted off for a crazy night of kinky sex here and there. My decision was more fueled by something much deeper. . It was something that I was hoping would breathe some life back into me.
You see, I have always struggled with brief periods of depression and when younger would usually self-medicate myself for relief. The times of depression were usually short lived but they would come and go with enough regularity that is was a problem. I sought help a couple times, but more times than not, I would not take medicine and end up leaving who ever I was seeing pissed off and disenchanted. So that cycle of self-medication was always present.
After having my last child, I had my tubes tied and when I woke from the surgery, I ended up having my very first anxiety attack. If you have never had one, let me tell you they are doozies, both physically and mentally. It was so bad, the nurses just knocked me back out for the rest of my recovery. That began a terrible cycle of anxiety attacks that caused me to not be able to care for my new born son. Sir would bring him in to me to nurse, the attack would start (something about my milk letting down would trigger them), I would muscle through it long enough for him to eat and then Sir would take him away. It was horrible. It took about a week for my doctor to figure out what the problem was and when he did, he put me on medicine and this time, I took it. It was an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication that had to be taken every day and I was on it for several years.
Things were great for the majority of that time (it knocked out the depression and anxiety) and I was able to finally feel “normal”. Then the side effect happened. I had never put much stock into the “possible side effects”, but when I happened, boy did my ears perk up and I started to pay attention. You see, I went numb. I lost all ability to feel any pleasure or sensation in, on or around my vagina. That was not acceptable. Sir and I made the decision to take me off the medication, slowly by weaning process.
I have been off all medications for two years now, but unfortunately, things didn’t “bounce back” like I thought they would and now I have the added task of trying to manage my anxiety without drugs. It is difficult, but possible. I had to learn what my triggers are and what techniques I could use to calm down. It doesn’t always work and I don’t always recognize it in time, but at least it isn’t what it was.
I know that you are probably wondering what in the heck any of this has to do with D/s, so here it is, lol. After two years of being sexually frustrated, because when I did finally get SOME sensation back, I would put myself under a ton of pressure to O. I found that was totally contradictory and was not an effective way to get what Sir and I were looking for. Now instead of the medicine breaking my vagina, my BRAIN was breaking it. Instead of slowing down, relaxing and enjoying what was going on, I was focusing on what I should/could/needed to do to get that satisfaction we both were looking for. So I thought D/s was the perfect solution…I would relinquish my control and be FORCED to just feel. Impact play helps too because it almost shocks my body into feeling and responding. Even though I still don’t always achieve an orgasm, I am not frustrated, confused or unsatisfied…I am tired, feel loved and in awe of the efforts Sir puts forth in our playtimes.
As we have been SLOWLY bringing some of the D/s out of the bedroom, I have experienced another change as well: less anxiety. The increased communication and attention to our relationship has completely helped with it and Sir being in charge releases the stresses and triggers that I would usually experience. I am not saying D/s has fixed my mental hang ups, but it sure does seem to be doing SOMETHING to make it better and more manageable. I feel like this site has helps as well…I feel more confident in my submission journey and subported so that I don’t feel like I am floundering in a vast ocean of uncertainty.
I know that we all have our issues and hang ups. We all have things that we feel insecure about. This is one of mine. I don’t know if this makes sense, but it is something that I have been holding inside of me for a while now and need to get it out.
SIDE NOTE: Please don’t misunderstand my intentions with this. I don’t write this to scare anyone away from seeking medication for depression and anxiety if you feel that you need it, it can save a life! I know it was a very good thing that I went on it when I did. -
9 Replies
-
Oh wow! So sorry you got That side effect! Must be incredibly frustrating! But glad it seems to be getting better! When I am slow to O, Sir just asks if “she’s being stubborn” and switches things up a little 🙂 I can’t imagine numbness. I have anxiety as well..diagnosed social anxiety, so most has to do with social settings or feeling stuck somewhere. No meds if we can help it and it’s probably not the greatest plan but if Sir sees it, he just takes me out of the situation. When I’m alone, I have not always chosen the best solution but it is what is (ie; leaving full shopping carts so I can leave the grocery store). Anyway, my point is if you ever need to bend an ear, feel free to private message me 🙂
-
Thanks for that princess_pea! Anxiety can be so hard to explain and get others to understand because it changes with each attack for me. I too have left shopping carts full of groceries and just had to walk out of stores…I once had to walk out of the doctor’s office right before one of my kids appointments, that was embarrassing to reschedule, lol! My Sir knows when it’s coming because I usually get very frantic and disoriented and he will take over what ever I am doing…like you, if I am by myself, I usually just have to leave the situation and change my surroundings. Stress is still a trigger though and that is just a part of everyday life but I was being honest when I say since we have branched out our dynamic, things have “calmed down” a bit. I think it is because I know he is going to take care of me and whatever is going on in our life at the moment.
and yes the O situation has sucked, lol…hence why I wrote that my vagina is a brat, lol
-
Thanks Veruca, I have taken an anti depression medication on and off for about 15 years. I also experienced the same side effects. I stopped taking my medication about about 6 months ago but I’m going to have to go back on it. Between weather and holidays comeing feel myself slipping. I’m scared about the side effects. Just last week I told my Sir that he was going to have to help me. I’m hoping D/s will help my mind to stimulate the body. Thanks. Your post was just what I was looking for today. Batty
-
Batty,
Do what you need to do to stay healthy!
Smooches,
V
-
-
V,
thank you for your share ! CHEERS !!
CURVEY
-
V – Have you heard of Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome? You may want to look it up. I had my tubes tied w/my youngest and recently (5 yrs ago) had them fixed. The difference it made in everything was amazing.
-
I will look into that, thanks.
Smooches,
V
-
-
Sounds a lot like Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder to be honest. My best friend of 20 years had a VERY similar experience after the birth of her last child. She was misdiagnosed as have Post Partum Psychosis, and then bi-polar, that culminated with high doses of scary drugs and electroshock therapy. She just would not get better no matter what the Dr’s did…in and out of hospitals with depression and anxiety. Then she moved to Seattle (her husband works in tech for one of the airlines), got better insurance and saw a new set of Dr’s who ran extensive blood work and found she had a hormone disorder, PDD. A quick month later and a hysterectomy and she is 100% mentally normal again. (still suffers from short-term memory loss due to the electroshock therapy). It’s quite common for women to get misdiagnosed as we aren’t really listened to by the Dr’s.
I have been diagnosed with “situational depression”, this came about two years ago, I was the primary caregiver for my mother who is dying of late-stage kidney failure. And she’s not a happy dying woman, she’s a cruel, manipulative, abusive dying woman. Up until last October we lived with her so I could care for her full time. I became suicidal with all the pressure and abuse and Sir said “nope, we are done” and we moved out. We are still in the process of getting her conserved and into a long-term care facility because she is self-harming to manipulate me. Because I was in control of so much, Sir worked out of town for the week, I was homeschooling 3 boys, and caring for my dying mother (all the appointments, medication, etc)….I really struggled with anxiety and depression. We had learned about the D/s lifestyle from friends and loved what we saw…we tried to implement it about a year ago and had to back off as I was unable to let go of the control of everything…too many pieces were up in the air.
We’ve been in our own home again since October and working to own our D/s-M and learn how it works for us. Giving up control has been my hardest issue, as I was in control of so many things for so long. But as I give up more and more, I’m finding so much more peace. I still take a mild antidepressant (Trazadone) at night, mostly to help me sleep, I’ve had insomnia since I was about 12 and I just need something to help me get to sleep and stay asleep. I have been on stronger things in the past (Wellbutrin, Lexapro, and Seroquel) and hated them! I feel like I lost a year of my life, I have so litle memory of the time I spent taking those meds…I went cold turkey off them when I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd child. (not my most intelligent move, but I survived it)
-
Thanks for the reply slaveAngel!
No one here expects anyone to share more than they are comfortable with. I am glad you get to see that you are not alone though, and in turn I get to see that I am not either…that is what makes this site so invaluable! We all have issues, but get to lean on and learn from each other. I am still learning, every day, from the members (new and seasoned) after 2 1/2 years!
Smooches,
V
Log in to reply.