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considering embarking on a D/s dynamic in our marriage
Hi, I’m new here and firstly I’d like to say thank you to anyone who takes the time to reply, any information or advice would be very appreciated.
So a little bit of background before I ask my questions will probably help i guess. I’m 26 hubby is 29, we’ve been married for nearly 3 years and we have 2 children (2yo, 10mo). We live in France as hubby is French and this is where his work is but I am British.
Now onto my agonising dilemma I think 🙂 I’ve always been into a bit of kink, when I was a teenager I like the fluffy handcuffs and if I could have afforded it and knew my mother wouldn’t find it I’m sure half my wardrobe would have been shiny black leather with studs. As I’ve grown older I find the theatrics less interesting for me and my husband like our natural no frills sex too. After watching a film recently though it has sparked a debate between us of whether a D/s dynamic would benefit us. I’ve been feeling lost for quite sometime, I often feel overwhelmed by life I just wish someone could take me in hand and organise me, control my life give me the support and stability I feel I need. My husband said he’s been wishing he could give me the support I need to see me happier and more fulfilled and is willing to give a D/s dynamic a go. Sounds ok so far right? But here’s the crux, I just don’t think it’s really his thing. He’s not naturally a very dominant person, in fact if I had to say someone wore the trousers in our house I’d say it was me but only because someone has to. If a decision has to be made its generally me who will make it particularly when it comes to the kids. I know he wants to try but that’s the problem for me it feels like he’s just trying to pretend but really he’s only doing it because I’ve asked him to. If a man is dominant just because a woman asks doesn’t that mean that really she’s the one pulling the strings? We started writing down limits and potential rules but I feel like it’s really me deciding what I want him to discipline me over what I want him to encourage me to do. Does that make me my own Dom and him just the police man? I trust my husband more than anyone in the world but I don’t feel like it’s enough, I don’t feel like I can trust him to know what areas I’m insecure about or what I need him to take control of. Vice versa though I don’t know if he does or should trust me enough to know how I can help to make him a better person. If he’s not a naturally dominant person will he even get anything out of this? I just don’t want to embark upon this, it not work and we then back out but with ill feeling between us like I tried to change him or he failed me. I know I should be trying to talk to him about this but he just says he’s going to try each time, but I feel like he has me on this pedestal he doesn’t care what I look like, how I act, what I do he loves me (that’s supposed to be the ideal right?!) but I want him to care I want him to want me to be better to push me to be the best version of me I can be, but I don’t want to make him do something he just doesn’t feel is him.
Is it worth trying? Is it likely he might grow a taste for dominance and discover a side to him he’s never really shown before? Is it possible that in the face of my dominance his has been suppressed? What has been other people’s experiences?
Sorry I think I may have rambled a bit but I don’t really have many friends of here and those I do and the ones back home are a bit on the vanilla side 🙂
Thanks again in advance.
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8 Replies
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I would say Yes Yes Yes
We have been doing this two months now and it has been worth the ups and downs. I don’t think he shows a natural dominance and I questioned whether he could do this. I also believe I squashed any authority he could display.
He may be doing it in the beginning because you asked but I know mine has found many aspects that he enjoys and not just the sex. J
There is lots of great information here on how to begin.
Communication Trust and Patience are key.
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Thank you princess, we ended up talking about it again last night (hubby always knows when something is on my mind) and he amazed me yet again by how much he fought for us to do this so I think yes we will be trying a new dynamic in our relationship even if it takes a while to get into the rhythm.
One of the things we realised when we were talking is I am quite dominant but he is too and I am quite stubborn and it is probably those two factors that are going to lead to me being correct the most over the next few months 😉 being obedient isn’t going to be easy I think. One thing I found though is any spanking hubby has done in play time before now really was just play! Owww my left butt cheek was on fire!
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Patience is something being drilled in to my head from everywhere. Seriously even my kid made a comment “mom patience is a virtue” lol
Sir and I also are very stubborn. In the end it is my job to submit and i want to so i have the internal struggle with myself at times. I also want this very badly and I am enjoying seeing his Dom flourish.
Just keep communicating. -
We’ve always been very open and honest with each other it’s one of the reasons we feel our marriage is strong. I’m looking forward to finding new depths to our honesty and knowing one another 🙂
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How have things been going? It’s been a little bit since you posted.
I know exactly how you’re feeling. I think it’s definitely worth a shot. I approached Sir and he was definitely interested but I felt like I was the only one learning and reading. But He is super excited and is slowly really stepping into His role. I say- give it some time and work on your trust and patience in the meantime. 🙂
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Brittakitten.. glad to hear all is going slow and well..
Thanks for commenting on Forum Friday
sweetness and Submrs
xoxox -
Well…….that a mouthful…. Feels good to get it out 😃. We r 25 + married empty nesters. New is to 24/7 but we both have alway known. Life got in th the way … We allowed it too !! Just because you think you husband might not rise up, don’t think that vanilla way. Go for it …. Make it yours. Own it. Go slow…. Very. Slow. Maybe you will release his Tiger in his tank. Communications is the key I have found. Making constant changes forgiveness… What’s not working change it. I also. Wanted to share for us slowwwww on the punishment ropes toys …. Make a foundation that will hold strong! Build on it….. There is tons of information out there which I use as help. In the end it’s Sir/sub we make it our Story. Best wishes,
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Hi there,
I’m going to add my two cents worth 😉
Background for me – I met my Queen, W/we were both kinky and knew that from the outset. I had identified as Submissive and she as submissive as well. My Queen didn’t believe she could be anything but submissive so I volunteered to try being dominant.
Eventually, through various trials and tribulations, W/we discovered that in actual fact my Queen was a natural dominant who had been told early on she was submissive as she had masochistic tendencies and she’d never questioned it. W/we are now in a 24/7 M/s – M relationship with both of U/us very much in O/our correct roles.
Now… Lessons I learned from this – I was actually quite a competent Dom and enjoyed it although I leapt at the chance to be my Queen’s sub. Even if you or your husband isn’t sure he’s a Dom there’s no harm in trying.
Given that from what you’ve said, that you’re very dominant, you may need to work very hard to actually be submissive – which is of course okay. But if you find yourself over the coming months, frustrated, stressed etc by his dominance of you (as my Queen did) don’t let it make you mad – explore why you feel that way… It’s always possible that you’re a born dominant and won’t be happy as a submissive (although, just because you can be dominant in day to day dealings with people, doesn’t mean you can be submissive to your husband), but just be aware of this possibility.
If you being sub and him being Dom doesn’t seem to be working, think about swapping roles – my Queen has delegated various tasks and responsibilities to me which reduce her stress and make her feel lived/cherished by having me do them – but just because they’re my responsibilities doesn’t diminish her dominance. I do them to the best of my ability because she has told me she wants me to do them.
Just a thought if things don’t quite seem to work. Take what you want and leave the rest 😉
HerSubject
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