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I needed to admit I needed him
So, my G and I have always had a tulmultuous relationship. As a totally single mom after splitting with x#2 in 2006, I took the reigns of my household with a tight grip. Even after meeting G in late 2010, first guy I’d dated since the split, I never let loose of those reigns.
I misinterpreted his praise of my being strong and independent as, “Don’t ever ask me for anything.” He misinterpreted my never asking as, “I don’t need you.” In the past, I’ve been drawn to domineering men who used me up and spit me out. Ironically, the Dom in him is what drew me. I struggled with feeling like I wanted and needed him without being allowed to ask for him. He struggled with never been needed… not having a place in my home or life. (I own my own home from before, make guy $, work in a male dominated industry. On the surface, it would certainly appear that I “don’t need a man”. Doesn’t mean I don’t WANT one… but I’m jumping ahead a bit.) I often felt like I was displeasing him. Months at a time and I was losing it.
So after struggling with each other’s “place” in our relationship and never communicating effectively, we separated about 7 mos ago. I was convinced he had never cared for me. I was so angry and hurt that I blocked him out: txt, phone, email, social media: poof. We don’t have children together, we’re both financially independent, wasn’t really anything pressing to discuss. I dated other people in an attempt for heartbreak self-medication. I hated every one of them. LOL. None of them were my G. None of them replaced the void of his absence. I finally confided in a friend that I missed him… that I didn’t WANT anyone else. Despite whatever crap we put each other through, I couldn’t stop thinking about and wanting him. I unblocked numbers and thought about how I wanted to approach him… how I’d deal with the rejection.
Before I could do anything, I got a txt from him, “Can we please talk about this? I can’t stop thinking about you.” I just melted. SMH… I don’t know why I ever break up with him… we always gravitate back to each other. 4+ years of always. lol. SO, with this in mind, we both wanted to FIX our issues… not just keep kicking them back and forth and driving each other crazy. After recriminations, rehashing the past, and apologies we were able to start talking about what we NEED to make this work. So our conversations have been more open, more honest, and more frequent. Our discussing of needs has kind of swirled around a relationship with him being “the guy” with a secure, leader role in our home and me “the pleaser” being appreciated the way I need… good girl spanking and manhandling. lol.
Asking directly for what I need is very difficult for me- it’s vulnerable and I’m accustomed to just taking care of it myself. Sometimes sending a picture, quote, or meme feels less threatening for me and can get a conversation started. I am attempting to talk to him (not bitching- TALKING) rather than shutting him out. That part is not easy for me. So after sending a few rather bdsm’y pics from tumblr (and having had conversations that were further illustrated by those pics), he made the suggestion for a D/s relationship. That he loves how I get pleasure from pleasing him. (I do, it’s true lol). And he’s long identified as a Dominant personality. We’re taking things slowly- I don’t have 128 Gorean rules of slaves to memorize and he’s not bossing me around. lol. We have what I’d call some rituals/protocols that we were already informally engaged in before… and we’ve added a few, at my request and at His approval. I’m mostly left to my own devices as to how to best please Him… at first I was disappointed but then realized that it keeps me occupied and less apt to get emotional and throw a fit. When I’m feeling needy and want to lash out to get his attention, I cope doing something “else” and send him pictures. I get his attention, we don’t have a fight, and he calls me “baby” and tells me what a good girl I am. As things OUTSIDE the bedroom improve… INSIDE is improving. All I know for certain is that I have a NEED to please Him and I feel grounded when I do. Admitting I need him was my first show of true submission.
For now, we’re reading and talking… and working tons of hours. We both work in IT and put in some crazy hours, all hours of the day and night. Just having a direction to take together is helping though. We’re even discussing when he’s moving back home. 🙂
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