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Reluctant
I asked my husband 3 months ago to try D/s. My first attempt to explain didn’t go so well. I have since read a few things and tried to explain to him what my vision would be. I scared him. He has told me that he feels uncomfortable, and that this is embarrassing to him. He did tell me that he would try and that I would have to guide him. I was ecstatic. But he has done nothing. Nothing to see for himself or learn. I have told him about husDom.
We have had one scene. I wrote it out. He played along and did very well as acting like my Dom. We have had one “downtime”. Didn’t go so well. He told me that I was going to fast and to slow down. I felt at that point that this was to much for him. That he wanted nothing more than for me to just stop. For about two weeks now I have not asked noar have I referenced any BSDM. It is killing me!
I have been begging for another downtime. I had to initiate it. I spoke to him very respectfully. I was the only one who spoke. The only answer or reaction I got at all was. “Yea I can agree with that.” I just don’t know what to do. I feel that this is what we need to ensure a wonderful future together. I want to have that secret. I want it with him. But I feel that he is just to lazy to really put any effort into change. We have molded us into what we are. 16 years and two kids later, we are just…well here. I don’t feel that we are as connected as we use to be. I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. We have something that most never find in life. In this aspect we are blessed. I need some serious guidance.
I feel that the more submissive I try to be, he isn’t seeing it as that, because he has no idea as to what a sub or a Dom is. ARGGG!! I know I shouldn’t say this, but I feel that I will eventually just have to give up 🙁 I am going to have to settle for this vanilla life I have created. :'( Not sure how I managed to make it so damn vanilla. BDSM is in my music, my toys, my heart. I think that if I told him all the things that I find erotic or turn me on, he would really look at me like I have lost my mind. I may have to just put all this back into the spot to where it has been hiding all these years. Is that even possible?
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4 Replies
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Lizzy,
It is going to be ok. Slow down and lets talk. I agree you need to pull back. It is not time to show him hard core BDSM stuff you want Him to do to you. He isn’t ready, and that is ok. You probably have been thinking of all of this much much longer than he has. All He probably knows is that you are not happy and He has no idea what it is He can do to fix it. You said you wanted this to ensure a wonderful future together, I understand. But the first thing you need to know is that vanilla or D/s, this is still the same marriage. Just with different elements to help fix the issues that weren’t working before. Take the kinky sex out of it. Lets get down to the foundation……. What is it that you see you’re D/s being like? What is it to you that makes D/s so special? Have you stopped and started thinking about what all this means to YOU? I know we spoke briefly on this, but it is a huge thing! Until you understand what it is you want, how are you going to describe it to Him?
Here’s my suggestions….Journal and meditate, until you see and understand the very foundation of this dynamic. Here is how I see it: It is the same marriage! It is not some magical role play that you both change yourselves to fit. No! D/s molds to you! It changes with you! It is not a brand new marriage that you both change everything for. You both sit down and start right where you are now. You start by being open and honest. No more bullshit. Trust one another to handle complete honesty. Sweep everything out from under the rug. Agree to let whatever has happened in the past to stay in the past. No more holding anything over each others head. Let it all go. This is a new start and a new chapter for your marriage. Next talk about what it is in each other that you both appreciate. Maybe its the way you wear your hair or the way he brings you flowers on special occasions. Every little thing that you love about the other, say it now. Fall back in love. Remember what it was about the other that you fell in love with. Then talk about what didn’t work in the old way and how you both would like to fix it. Communication, was it there? Was it manipulative? Did you each expect the other to read the others mind? Did you ever communicate openly and honestly until now? So then fix it. Agree what you each could do to better communicate with the other. Do not only point out what He did wrong! This is where a lot of vanilla relationships have trouble…..look to yourself first. What part did you have in it? How could you have done better? Next, talk about your roles. Often when people get married they jump into it and think they both need to be equal. So no one ever talks about who should do what. Both fight for power and control and to be heard. That is what needs to change here. Explain to him with respect how you want him to take back the Home. You want him to be the head of the household, in all things. You want to support him and not fight for the power anymore. And then do it!!!! That last part is the toughest to hear, so I will say it again…..Then do it! When he makes a decision, follow it. Do not second guess him. Give input when it is needed, guide and suggest but then leave the final decision up to him and follow it. In the beginning it is easy to then tell yourself he is doing it wrong. I need to correct his decisions, because you are learning too how to trust him. But it is critical that you follow and not undermine him. That was the old way, now there is a new day and a new way. Agree to your roles. Whether you stay at home or work full time, agree what each of you will do in your D/s circle. Do not step on each others toes. He no longer “doesn’t care” about certain decisions.He is in charge of all decisions, even if that is Him saying “he delegates this to you”. And you will follow his decisions. He will protect you and provide for you (whether emotional or financial or both) and you will support him (emotionally). He is the Man of the House and takes pride in being the King. You are the queen that has the Kings ear, but stands back when it is time for him to rule. You provide support, and nurture Him in every way you can. You are not a stepford wife that follows without emotion or thought. No, you follow because you trust him and know that your side of the circle is just as important. Still be who you are. Ask Him to still be who he is. Just now, you both appreciate, communicate, trust, and have your own unique side of the marriage. You see, the very foundation of this is not about kinky sex. It is about finally finding a way to not just exist within a marriage, but to thrive together!!!! To be so in love that you wake up each day with a giddiness you had when you were dating. To dress for him. Get your hair and nails done the way he likes it. Thinking ahead of time what you could do to show your appreciation for all he does. Without expectation!!!!!!To give you a little back story about me, I did not appreciate my husband before D/s. And it drove us apart. I stopped caring about how I looked, I gained A LOT of weight, I blamed Him for everything. I fought for control because He had stopped caring, and every time I would ask where he wanted to go for dinner, his answer was “I don’t care”. Which by the way are the 3 words that are banned from our home now. I wanted out of our marriage. And come to find out, so did He! He had had it with a wife that didn’t care about herself anymore. He didn’t understand why he worked so hard for a wife that didn’t appreciate it. All she wanted was more. He was never good enough. And so we grew apart. Which is so sad, because our love story is a very special one that I will share another time. It wasn’t until I finally looked at myself through his eyes that I got it. Why should I expect Him to care, when I don’t care either? How could I expect Him to be a leader in our Home when I had emasculated Him so much the he felt his opinion didn’t matter? So i decided to change. Me first. and now whenever something is going wrong or feeling off in our D/s, I look to myself first. Did I have a role in it? What could I have done better?……I appreciate Him from the bottom of my soul for everything He does. When I say thank you, or I appreciate you, He knows I feel it! I don’t just say empty words in hopes that He will tie me up. I say them because I mean them. I appreciate Him. No expectation needed.
Finally, patience. Lizzy, with or without the BDSM part, the D/s dynamic is so simple. It is about falling back in love, but this time getting it right! No more fighting, no more holding things over the others head. So sit down with him (print this off it will help) and talk to Him. Sit at his feet to show your respect. Keep it respectful. And then have patience.
I truly hope this will help you. Please message me if you need anything!!!! Here for ya…. xoxo KLB
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Lizzy, I so understand where you are at. We were at this place in 2010. Long before D/s was a part of our life. I worked on me and Sir worked on himself, from spring of 2010 to fall of 2011. We lived in two different states, for work reasons. I have to say that boy did I learn a lot my self in that time. We had come to a place of just exhisting. Then the forced separation came, there were so many things that I realized about my lack of appreciation. As well as how much we were trying to fit in a church mold. We both are christian, but not the conservative type. We weren’t the pentacostal type either. We tried for years, even after our two youngest were molested at a church function. We really tried. The time apart brought things to both of us. Sir found his dominate side again, and I found the backbone to speak about what was up with me and where I was at. I came to tx in oct of 2011 and really liked what my sir had become. He was back to being who he had been when we were first married without being a jerk. In the time between 2011 and summer of 2014 I learned to trust in him again. We had lots of very frank discussions still do on occassion. When I brought up D/s to Sir, he was intriqued and a little shocked and rather eager. He researched and we talked through questions he had and I shared what I wanted. Don’t get me wrong we are still very slow at the sex side of D/s but the relationship side is what we are most focused on. We are working on a strong foundation. One of the best things is the talking about stuff we liked about each other. It came as quite a shock that my Sir loves it when I pamper myself. That he loves watching me get dressed and putting lotion on. After 26 years of being married and three more children who would have thought that not me that’s for sure. So now we both are learning to do things that feed each other without sex changing all that much. The kinky sex is fun when we do that but the best part is the stuff we are experiencing emotionally and mentally.
I said all this to say D/s-M is about way more than the kinky sex. Its about being real and honest with each other and freely giving without expectation of receiving back, its about loving with out reserve. Its about loving yourself and being honest with yourself and yourself. Its about really thinking on the things that improve your relationship communicating that without judgement. Then working together to make your life together what you both want it to be. Like KLB said I too first look to me since that is the only person I can truely change. Anyway its been very helpful for me to write all this out it been a good reminder for me.
If you want to talk just message me when I’m on even if its to get mad at me for assuming I know where you are at. Just trying to show that we all have our struggles to make this a lifestyle and each couple has to make it their own.
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The day I posted this my husband texted me. It was very sincere. I told him that I was the one to apologize, that I was being an arse.
That night we had a fire and beers with the neighbors. After we both opened up like never before. He told me that he felt that he was losing me. That he felt he was being backed into a corner. I told him that I felt I was losing all control to nothing, and the only person that could bring me any peace was him. Among other things, we both cried. And then had make up sex. -
Wondering now if I’m trying to turn a beta into a dominant. I’m constantly trying to give him more. I want him to make more decisions. I want him to research, see if ttwd is something he desires. He does desire things in life. None of which have to do with D/s. I’m not sure what else I can do, to show him how important all this is to me. I know submission is for the strong. My strength is definitely being tested right now.
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