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The Lifestyle Image
Sir and I have only been in this lifestyle for about a month. Through my research and reading of fiction and nonfiction is that no matter the genre type, the sub always has the image of being petite and beautiful. It seems to hold the Barbie effect. This is an image that is out of reach for some people, and can give a sub the impression that she/he cannot be an adequate sub without the whole package. I struggle with my image and can feel that I cannot be a true sub when I am not “beautiful.” This mindset can cause a person to not try the lifestyle or decide to join others to explore with finding her Sir or his Mistress. D/s is not exempt from the stereotypical image of beautiful as society has set on high. I thought it would be different, but instead I see it being more intense with the pictures and images created in print. How can this lifestyle talk of a deeper relationship when the images and descriptions of the Dom and sub are always beautiful people. The slanted view of people seems to have infiltrated the D/s life as well.
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10 Replies
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I think many people have struggles with body image. Both print and video media in the Vanilla world as well as in the BDSM world focus on “perfect”. Let’s face it, they are all there to sell something. The books you read, the movies you watch are all written to sell, sell, sell. The saying goes “sex sells” and it does. I think you will find in this community that LK has created, there are all types and we are all very accepting and understanding. Try not to be so hard on yourself and don’t compare yourself to the fictional characters you are reading about. Remember too, most of the porn out there even the BDSM is done by ACTORS, the things that are done are mostly staged and not real. They go for the tiny “Barbie” girls because that is what “sells”. I would recommend another great site for Self Love-Betty Dodson–she is awesome! Focus on you and your Sir’s love and dynamic and don’t worry about the others. I have found myself wanting to get in better shape, not because of the “stereotype” of what a “beautiful” women is–My husDom thinks I am beautiful with or without the extra 20 lbs–but because I want to be fit to be able have more endurance. <grin> I want to enjoy this dynamic we have only so recently found for many more years to come and I need to be healthy to do that! But I will never have the legs of an 18 year old model and that’s OK. I hope you find peace and pleasure in your own body.
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Two things – one, don’t be so hard on yourself when it comes to body image. Most, if not all of us, have body issues to one degree or another (myself included!). Bliss is right – commercially produced BDSM photography and videos use actors more than real people so it’s not really fair to yourself to make comparisons.
Two, if you really want to see “real” people doing BDSM activities (be it videos or images), those are out there! You just need to know where to search on the web. My Sir used to like a site called RedCloud because it had amateur videos and trust me, there were naked people I’d rather have not seen without their clothes LOL Additionally, in doing research on a variety of sub topics when starting our D/s adventure, I ran across plenty of images on blogs and other sites that had pics of women who most definitely did NOT fit the Barbie stereotype.
Again, please do not base your own submissive journey on what you perceive from the sites you have seen. There are many, many shapes and sizes in both Doms and subs who are regularly posting online. And ultimately, pleasing our Sir is the only one who matters. I am trying to learn to see myself through His eyes rather than my own. It’s hard work but we have to learn to love ourselves.
xoxox
june -
June,
I remember someone talking about a mirror exercise. Maybe I will look at that. I fear of not fitting in if I met other D/s people. It just seemed as if it was a “club” for beautiful people. It is very depressing to see all small framed people that wouldn’t know what to do with extra weight or a scar. Life can be so cruel.-
Oh honey… please don’t think D/s is a club for beautiful people! I’m a middle aged, under height, over weight, mom of 3, grandma of 1! lol I have wrinkles on my face and stretch marks from having babies. Definitely not poster material 😉 But my Sir cherishes me and makes me feel beautiful.
If you do a search on the site, you’ll find LK’s Mirror Scene. Also, Pethellion wrote an incredible essay about doing a mirror scene in the forum.
xoxox
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That was nice of you to share with me. I feel so overwhelmed with all of the emotions that have surfaced since we started this. It almost feels like I am going through my change.lol
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Bliss49,
Thanks for the advice. I am going to look at the site. -
Hello,
This interests me as well. I think we must accept that to our Masters we are beautiful. If They see a flaw in us then we must try to do what we can, be it diet, work out, etc., to try to make ourselves attractive to Them. I know I along with probably most of us subs, struggle hard with weight issues (so does Sir though.) He wants me to try to cook healthier so that is what I am working on now.
The media does not help because on every magazine there is a slim or bone thin woman. This is unrealistic and unhealthy. Plus, I personally need some padding for when Sir is torturing me or it really is too intense, LOL.
I do have a sort of side question: how many of you wear a collar or token of your Master’s ownership? I do. It is a very constant reminder of our relationship and our D/s. I love it. I have a day-to-day one and a “serious” heavy collar I only wear when we are away on vacation out of town when our family and friends can’t see it.
bratty
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We have discussed collars (both play and day wear) but so far, Sir hasn’t chosen what He wants for me to wear. He will choose the play collar and we will decide together on day wear. For now, my wedding ring signifies our commitment to one another.
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Bratty,
I agree that we should try to do better for our health. It is very difficult not to fall to the sweets of sugar. Also, yes I have a day wrist collar and then two play collars. We are working on getting a necklace collar for me to wear as well. I too, have to keep my lifestyle secret from anyone that I live around and work. -
One thing that has helped me with body image is that we joined a local club. When we go there I dress only to impress Sir yet He invariably gets compliments about how I look. That really lifts me up. I am also under tall and over weight with stretch marks, etc. Seeing real people embracing the lifestyle also helps me. There are NO barbies there! LOL
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