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How did your Sir feel about D/s at first?
As with a lot of D/s-M couples, I approached my husband about starting this lifestyle. We’ve only just start incorporating elements of it into our life and have been taking it very slowly. It’s been very difficult for me not to top from the bottom. Last night he finally got a little rougher during sex (held me down, pulled my hair, even spanked me for the first time). So, afterwards, I asked him how he liked it. He said it didn’t really do anything for him. This bothered me because I want it to be about his pleasure, not mine. And, while it’s sweet that he’s willing to do it for me it’s just not the same. Part of me just wanted to through up my hands and say,”forget it!”. But another part of me still hopes that it will eventually start to excite him. So, to all the HusDoms and subbies out there- how did You/your Dom react at first? Was it always exciting for You/Them or was it something You/They had to work up to?
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9 Replies
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This is hard to answer but in a nutshell I think it’s a work in progress for both parties. Don’t give up. Your Sir sounds willing and obviously loves you to try and make these changes to your marriage. I have been in trouble for topping from below too, maybe we should start a thread on that too ;D guessing it’d be an active one.
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I agree with Nice Girl, give it some time. My Sir and I have only been doing this a few months and at first I really had a hard time not topping from the bottom, I wanted so much more. But as time has passed we have had a few really awesome scenes and some that weren’t even rough which is what I really thought I wanted. Turns out you can get the amazing connection even without the pain so make sure you keep your mind open to that too 🙂 But I just kept communicating with my Sir that I would like to test my limits for pain and such. Finally this past weekend we had out first scene that left me with “battle wounds” and I made sure to communicate to my Sir how amazing it was for me. When we talked about it Sir told me how my reactions were feeding the intensity; at one point I was almost begging him and he loved that.
When Sir and I talk he asks me to be patient with him and I have learned to understand I am asking a lot of him, something he probably never expected to be asked. Maybe the inflicting pain isn’t your Sir’s Kink and maybe you will discovery his as you move along in your journey but as long as you both give to each other I really think that is what this whole lifestyle is about.
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Rose Petals,
I absolutely understand how you feel. Your dynamic sounds exactly like My Sir and I. I understand how it can get discourging for you to crave this and depend on it. I am there also, he will come around. Once he sees the excitement and satisfaction, and how he can control and take you places you have never been, he will be encouraged to learn more about you and continue this journey.
A month ago my Sir explained he would spank/ flog me if I needed it, but he received no pleasure from it. I thought I was being selfish, and felt guilty for asking him to take this journey. We have matured in our relationship so much, become so open and honest, communicate better than ever.
Now he understands that I need the pleasure and pain, and will give it to me as he decides I need it, and when I am given the opportunity to please him which is often, I adore that I am able to please him and submit to him. I hope this helps, pm me if needed. Welcome to the Warren!
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UPDATE: Wow! How things change when you give contol over to your Sir. We have come a long way since my last post. He is truly the Dom I have always craved. We love to scene, most always with the flogger.
When you express your true feelings, needs and wants is when you are truly giving your Sir control. You open yourself up to him in ways never imagined, and never to be shared with anyone else. We have been in a D/s-M for 6 months now, and our journey deepens everyday and fulfills us in ways we never imagined.
Submssively waiting on my Sir to return, Red
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My Sir was not into some of the things I am but like others have said, he loves to see the reaction he is in charge of creating. Don’t rush things and talk, talk, talk 🙂
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Rose Petals,
We are also taking things slowly. We’ve tried many things including what are apparently scenes. We just haven’t crossed the ‘hitting’ barrier. Husband also struggles? w/tying me up. He’ll use ties or scarves or occasionally the bed restraints, but he prefers to just put my hands/feet someplace and command me to not move them. I’ve purchased silk rope, but it just sits in the bottom of our bag. He now enjoys pulling my hair, but it took a lot of months for him to acclimate to that being a good thing for him. I’m guessing that he’ll come around on other things. It just takes him time to accept that it’s okay and then more time to find that he actually likes it. And then he comes up with his own way of doing said things. *grin*
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We had been talking about this and doing role play for a while, but it was only a few months ago I got the nerve up to ask for a more 24/7 type lifestyle. At first my Sir was not keen, to put it mildly.
He finally began reading about this and one day he just became My Sir. He is really getting into lately though.
I have to say, I read a little book titled The Submissive Wife last year and began submitting to him before he even knew I wanted this. So for us, there haven’t been issues of topping from the bottom, yet.
I also think that this takes a lot of communication! He can’t read your mind so if you want something you have to ask. Asking, not telling. To say, “I’d like you to… Will you please do that?” It’s direct and respectful. And I also think it’s the exact kind of communication men can read.
Have you sent your husband to Mr. Fox’s web site? That blog is pure gold as far as helping husbands become dominants! That’s what helped my husband become my dom. And I am very grateful. Though I wish my husband would participate over there! I have asked him to. But it is his decision.
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My Sir is moving slowly, as well. But I have turned a corner since I finally understand that this is our journey, and he wants to be sure about each step we take. I still struggle some with wanting to run, but I use the soap principle a lot that I learned from a blog here and it helps my attitude.
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When I asked mine, he had no idea what I was talking about. I had been reading about D/s for about 6 months. I could not get him to understand what D/s meant to me. I asked him about 3 months ago. We are not D/s yet, but that’s okay we’re working on it.
It slapped me in the face that we needed to lay down some serious foundation. I have taken control over the last 16 years, and I can’t just unload it all in a day. So I am working at him bit by bit. I know him like none other. Just as I’m sure you do as well. I want to run at this, but mine is very reluctant. In the blog section, I posted reluctant. KLB gave me advice that I will ever be grateful for.
Your not alone in this, mine will only take a step forward when I gently nudge him. I’ve learned to many nudges, or one that is a shove, will shut him down. We’ve been trying for 3 months, and I still wouldn’t consider us D/s. He hasn’t the courage for husDom yet. But there are so many little things that happen that let me know to not give up.
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