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Ponderings of a healing Sub
I laid there, his head on my breast, watching the steady rise and fall of his slowed breathing. I could see the hairs, soft and downy glistening in the mid day light. His beautiful dark eyes are closed, lashes fanned across his cheek as his brow softly furrows as he dreams. As a soft snore escapes his lips I begin the long thought process of our healing D/s relationship.
Over a month ago I truly believed I was being everything a submissive should be, submissive. I followed the rules. I played by the book. But he didn’t want to be my Dom. I was ripped apart with heartbreak, stood an island watching my husband sail on a little boat away from me. I needed to think.
We renewed our vows and as he told me his thoughts and wishes and we danced together through the evening I realised I needed a rest from the constant doubting myself. We went on our family holiday, he was upset and angry a lot of the time. I remember sitting with him outside and I asked why the annoyance. He told me that because my entire family were there we had no time to be alone, just us, just us and our boys. I began to realise I was holding on so tight I was barely breathing. I let go. I compromised. I backed off. I ignored the temper. I teased. I wound up.
We came home and as we recovered from the inevitable jetlag we found ourselves on the sofa, limbs thrown across each other, falling asleep. Content. Happy. In love.
There was a moment, we fell into bed – finally back in our own timezone – there he was, my Sir in all his tremendous glory. I said nothing. We cuddled and fell asleep wrapped up entirely in each other. Content.
Last night, I was teasing him, being playful and we began talking, really talking. I spoke of all the things I missed from our D/s lifestyle. He told me he didn’t miss the pressure……
So it is only today, with his head on my chest, resplendent and replete in my arms that I wonder……. I did everything a sub should – didn’t I?
No.
Did I serve him? Yes, I did.
Was I submissive? No. I didn’t listen, I was so busy trying to please a Dom who was infront of me on paper that actually I wasn’t pleasing my Dom. I became weak because I constantly looked for his direction, I didn’t challenge him anymore. I would automatically stop doing things to see if he would notice – his lack of reaction made me believe he didn’t care, my lack of reaction made him believe I was bored. We drifted apart.We had to be open with each other and yet we weren’t. So bound by rules we thought should fit our marriage yet clearly didn’t. We didn’t make our own way which we should have done.
We spoke last night and he told me he missed me kneeling for him, he loved the lack of arguments and my playfulness. In becoming A sub I wasn’t his wife that he fell in love with, he wants both.
We are starting a road to recovery – we are building a relationship that fits with us and with our rules. Whilst I think that books with fairytale endings are an excellent beginning I felt they gavce unrealistic ideals that if you’re not careful you try to build yourself.
Just an update xxx
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2 Replies
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Awesome update! I will keep you in my thoughts and send you good subbie vibes to give you strength and patience. Good luck on your new journey with your Sir!
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Great share thank you …. Agree…
Read all you can, listen,learn…..make it your own ! What works for your marriage. It’s soooo much deeper than just the play time ; ooo but, thats awesome too. Lol. Communication, rebooting…..is our #1 go too❤️
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