Keeping up with the Lifestyle: Dynamic vs Vanilla

[Unknown Member]

LD, hey thanks for sharing first of all. Lots of us have gone through this in the beginning. I would perhaps start with asking for a downtime and discussing all of this there. Approaching from a place of concern not attack or blame. Also, reviewing the foundations from the beginning. Too many rules in the beginning can be a recipe for failure. Starting out slow with like 1 or 2 rules until they become habit will help you both stay in the mindset. If you think he isn’t sure what he is doing wrong or doesn’t understand what you need/want, then perhaps a 24 role reversal would help? We did this and it worked wonders for us. He has been amazing ever since. In addition, another way you could show him what you want is to a “day in the life of “chat. This is where you would take turns just intricately describing a day in your life as a submissive. From morning to bed. Everything. How he treats you, what he says, how he dresses how he smells.. what he tells you to do, and not do, how he acts with you, touches you EVERYTHING you would like from a day and your Dominant. This will give him a good idea of what you are looking for each day. He can then tell you what he thinks the day should look like from his Dominant eyes, and you will get a good idea of what he wants from his submissive. Perhaps you have two different ideas of what your dynamic should look like or be like. Either way, take your time and go slow. This is a two way street demanding communication from BOTH of you. Good luck to you, and know you are not the only one who has gone through this.

[Angelica-BigOne]

Hi, Little Daisy. First of all, thank you for your post. It’s not always easy to share our struggles. I don’t know your dynamic, but am I right in assuming you are pretty early on? Communication is key to all aspects of this lifestyle. I know, I know…you already told him, right? Me too. We have to keep communicating clearly and respectfully in DownTime. What works best for my Sir and I is when I catch him doing the things that feed my submission and I tell him. When I constantly point out what he is NOT doing to hold up his end of the bargain, it tears him down and makes him feel like a failure. When I go out of my way to look for the times he is doing the things I love, I point it out to him at the time he does it, it makes him feel more confident, appreciated, and respected. I thank him and tell him how much I loved the phrase he used, or the way he enforced a rule, held my hand, etc. That reinforces the things he does to feed my submission while making him feel appreciated and respected. Also, I learned from Mr. Fox recently that a good way to ask your HusDom for more dominance is to offer him more submission. In DT, ask him honestly how you can improve your submission to him, what makes him feel more dominant, etc. Chances are, after answering your question, he will ask you, in return, how he can show dominance to you in a way that feeds your submission. This is something I am working on, too. You are not alone! 🙂 There are a couple of posts that come to mind for me that might help:

https://submrs.com/phases-of-married-dominance-and-submission-phase-1-the-honeymoon/
https://submrs.com/submissive-tools-s-submissive-mirroring/
https://submrs.com/guiding-husband-domination-submission-mentoring-domination-submission/

Hope that helps!

Phases of Married Dominance and submission | Phase 1, The Honeymoon

[HisgirlCGL]

I have struggled with this as well LD. One of the things I have had to learn is patience. I hate that word but it is what is needed. Remember that you probably had a lot more time to think about this lifestyle than he did. It is foreign to many men in todays world. Men are pushed down and told that if they act dominant they are being abusive. People don’t understand the difference and it is hard for a lot of men to grasp at first. The best thing I did is to start following the rules I wanted to have. We had done a list of potential rules, narrowed them down but then that was it. He didn’t look at them again, didn’t follow through with punishments, and didn’t ever try to enforce anything. I finally was able to ask him again to please look at the rules and decide which ones he wanted and how he would enforce them. As he read them over, he said he was amazed at how I had actually been training myself without him doing his part, that most of the rules we had originally discussed, I was already following. Things like, not arguing (I still need a lot of work on this), asking for permission to go to bed or get a shower, stop talking when he starts and listen, bring down my night collar after my shower even if I’m mad (I had a habit of just being a brat and not bringing it down – I don’t do that anymore). I also do things like, have his coffee ready when he gets in, have the place neat and vacuumed before he is done with work (he is a neat freak and can’t relax if the house isn’t perfect.) These aren’t things he ever asked me to do and they aren’t rules but they are things that I know help him and show him that I want to take care of him in every way. He in turn does so much to take care of me. He is still probably what you would consider a soft Dom. I rarely get in trouble or get corrected, he takes care of me and is more likely to tell me what a good girl I am than correct me for anything I do wrong. But he reminds me that all I have to do is please him and it makes no difference if he is a textbook Dom because he is the one that gets to decide how he should behave not me. It is a work in progress and it takes time but it will come, in some form. It may not be the way you initially envisioned it but if your marriage is benefitting and your relationship is getting stronger then it is perfect.

[lionne-knight]

I’m starting to feel like I’m in the same boat. My sir thinks that this isn’t the lifestyle I want because he asked me to think of a few things and my mind has been focused on my school, spending time with our son and the baby on the way. He goes to bed before me and our son every night so before I go to bed I get all the cleaning and meal prep done and do some studying for school and play with our aon until he goes to bed. He thinks thatvwe don’t need this lifestyle to get whatever I may need but not him completely until I’m done school in a few years. I tried to tell him that’s not what I want. I just feel like I’m the one failing. I don’t know what else I can do.