Corrections/Punishments

[pearl]

We do not do correction/punishment in our D/s-M for one of the reasons you talked about, my Husdom of 37 years doesn’t want to treat me like a child.  I know others do have correction/punishment as part of their dynamic and that is fantastic for them.  We tried it and it just wasn’t good for us.  I would recommend you do several things going forward:

1. Remember that your dynamic is yours, it doesn’t have to look like other’s dynamic.  Y’all figure out what works for you.  This home that LK and Mr. Fox have created for us is a great place to see all sorts of different things you might want to include but you don’t have to include all of them.  Do what works for you.

2.  COMMUNICATE:  Use downtime for this.  Talk about your dynamic and what you want it to look like.  Do you really need to use “Sir” in all of your communication?  Maybe you do, maybe you don’t.  Negotiate. 

3.  Remember time is on your side:  Our dynamic is doesn’t look like it did when we first started.  We have been doing this for almost 3 years.  Some things stuck, others did not.  We are constantly adding to and changing as our lives change.

4.  Punishment can be tricky.  It should be clear what the offense is and done in a timely manner.  You should talk about this ahead of time (remember Down Time) so a clear procedure is in place.  If you are uncomfortable with punishment at all being part of your dynamic be very clear about that with your HusDom.  Tell him what makes you uncomfortable. 

5.  Taking your collar away seems a little over the top to me.  My HusDom and I disagree from time to time and I am disrespectful from time to time (I always try to remember to apologize).  He has never made me take my collar off. 

6.  One of LK’s favorite questions is “How bad do you want this?”  Once you know the answer to that question you will know how much to fight for your dynamic.  You can do this, you just have to do you…not the rest of us.

[HisgirlCGL]

Hi Little Nymph, Thank you for posting in the forum. I would suggest that you and your Sir both take a look at this blog post that LK did on the subject. https://submrs.com/punishments-within-married-domination-and-submission/#comment-17643     I think as usual, LK says it better than I can. Hope it helps

Punishments and Corrections | Married Domination and submission

[Js_bunny-CGL_Ms]

Hi Little Nymph

I agree with Pearl 100%. This is something the two of you need to talk about together and figure what part if any you want in your dynamic. When we first started, yes we read somewhere else about punishment and Sir actually did punish me, once. For us it was not good it didn’t work for us. We both felt terrible afterward and it never happened again. He does correct me. I am not perfect so he tells me when he is disappointed or would like some else. We talk, I explain or apologize. It works both ways. For me, I feel terrible when I have let him down and for him that’s punishment enough. But again that is us. Others have punishment and thrive. I would still say that if you dont feel good about it you should talk with your Dom. There are a few things in your post you brought up and all of them would be good to talk about. Let him know your feelings and why you feel that way, what your concerns are. Build your dynamic to suit both of you. 

Best of luck

Jsbunny 

[subMarie-CSM]

<div>Little Nymph,  </div>

I am sorry this may be a bit long but you have so much that I must comment on!  Let me start by saying you and your Sir are doing amazing! You are doing EXACTLY what we recommend during this first year of your D|s-M. I refer to this as the “test and learn” phase. You are trying new things and figuring out what works and what does not work in YOUR dynamic. I would be more concerned if you had mentioned you tried all of these things and every single one was amazing. 

<div>I am afraid you are reading some very bad information if you have the understanding that punishments are included in “ALL” D|s relationships. Just like Pearl mentioned, Sir Ed and I also tested out the punishments a few times and quickly learned it was NOT for our dynamic. I do not like being micro-managed and my Sir is not a micro-manager. It added complexity to our relationship that was not necessary. Other couples have found they benefit from this. Good for them. Usually when I need correction it is because I am just stressed or tired and really just need a release. This is when we have “funishments.” An example is a therapeutic spanking. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!! (https://submrs.com/spankings/)   </div>

Going back to our early beginnings, I also had my collar removed one evening and I was devastated. When we went to bed I just cried and cried. My Sir also felt horrible. He turned the light back on, apologized, and we moved on from that. Now we treat my collar as sacred as a wedding band. It simply is not something we use as a tool to manipulate a behavior. In your next downtime, talk about this and how it made you both feel. Having it removed and that feeling really was a trust testament to just how bad my Sir and I really wanted this!   

Next is your honorifics. Talk to your Sir about this. I can tell you that I struggled in the beginning but over time it gets easier and easier. I will use the honorific of “Sir” when it is appropriate though. I do say, “Yes/No, Sir” often. But I am from Texas and it is very common. What helped me get used to saying, “Sir” was simply watching my Sir’s response. He exudes confidence when I give him that courtesy and respect. He stands a little straighter and his communication is clear. It feeds him as a Dominant and in turn he feeds me right back as his submissive. My panties get wet when he calls me, Marie. Take some time and watch the response from your Sir!   

You had a playtime scheduled and had to cancel. That happens to all of us! I also suffer from migraines and they are horrible. I even get sex migraines very often which I think is even worse. This is when you communicate! I know there is not much you can do when you have a migraine so the only alternative I can think of for your Sir when this happens is to masturbate. However, when your migraine is gone and you are feeling better perhaps you can offer yourself to your Sir for his pleasure for being such a patient and understanding husDom. You absolutely CAN initiate sex unless your Sir forbids it. Most men LOVE this!   

Yes! You are indeed cut out for this. You are following the same path many of us have been on. You are asking the right questions. My recommendation is to make sure you are communicating frequently in Downtime (https://submrs.com/downtime/) with your Sir, Stay away from crappy resources. The philosophy on husDom and subMrs really is supporting of strengthening and building a healthy marriage. It is what attracted us to this community! And last but certainly not least, encourage your Sir to ACTIVELY participate on husDom. That is an amazing community that will gladly share their lessons learned and help your husDom grow!   

We are here for you!   

sub-Hugs!  

 subMarie

Erotic Spanking | Spanking For Pleasure

[Unknown Member]

I am just going to add my story to the amazing reply’s you already have. We do not do punishments, I have been spanked twice but let me tell you I deserved it but it was not a mean thing it was to put me back in my sub place because I had wandered way off and all attempts to steal me back were met with anger and major disrespect. My Lord and I have been official for over two years but fell into vanilla hard. We have been full D/s again since August. I do not have a collar yet but I know I would never have it removed for any reason. That I definitely feel is extreme. Make D/s your own that is the beauty of it. Down time helps me be able to express my frustrations and helps him take it to heart and not get upset or offended. Everyone is here to help and these ladies are amazing! You got this ❤️

[Veruca]

Little Nymph, <div>

I first want to thank you for sharing.  I can feel your confusion.  I am only going to give you my initial reaction to some things that you have said and my personal experience and response to those things.  So that being said: 

<div>
“My D thinks I need a correction which will include bare handed spanking or paddling, sex after, then my being held in my safe spot with him. To me, this sounds downright unappealing.” #1: Admittedly, I have never experience physical punishment.  My Sir will not do them.  I will say however, that none of the punishments that I have experienced (and I have had them) were appealing.   #2:  We have always negotiated what kind of punishments would take place and communicated about them, so when they’ve occurred, it wasn’t a surprise.  In our dynamic, this is all previously communicated and negotiated on.  Furthermore, the way you have worded this makes me pause…is the sex part of the punishment?  That doesn’t feel right to me.  I have experienced, “you can’t cum”….but sex itself has never been a part of punishment.  To me, that is odd. </div><div>
 “The previous night, we had a scene planned but I came down with a migraine, couldn’t find my meds for this, and had to cancel last minute. He understands why but is understandably frustrated. I knew he’d be frustrated by my inability to have sex and last minute cancelling and knew I’d pay for it the whole next day with his moodiness and irritability; which occurred.” Why are you expecting retribution for something physically out of your control?  We always want to be at our best and have the mental/physical ability to be our best for our Sir…ESPECIALLY for a scene.  I have never been punished for letting my Sir know that I was not physically on point for a scene, since he knows how strenuous they can be.  I receive nothing but understanding and and care because it is something out of my control.  Now…let me not be ready, etc. for no good reason…yes, that is a problem.   </div><div>
“It ended last night without a correction or anything else planned happening and him telling me to remove my submissive day collar (a major blow as it’s a beautiful, custom made piece of jewelry) and taking some time to consider if having a D/s relationship is really what I want.” I am so sorry.  I have never been put in that position.  In fact, it has been the opposite.  I have taken my collar off when things are “just not right” because I CHOOSE to be his submissive…but he has never taken my collar off/from me.  I chose to be his submissive BEFORE I had a collar (it was a full year before I had one) and we have always agreed that it is MY choice to be his submissive or not.  I honestly feel the most hurt for you over this.  I would ask:  Do you two practice downtime?  Have you built your foundation of Honesty, Communication, Trust, Respect, Love and Intimacy?    </div><div>
“I’m also struggling with things like saying “yes sir” to a direction.” That CAN take some getting used to…but like all things, the more you actively do it; the easier it gets.  </div><div>
I wish you nothing but the best!  </div><div>
Smooches, Veruca </div></div>

[Kaninchen]

Hi Little Nymph, Welcum to subMrs! You will have a ton of sub-port here on subMrs with this subject matter. I will give you my two cents….. and try not to go over what has already been advised. D|s-M different perspective than D/s maybe your Sir is looking at. No worries first off you both are going down a normal D/s road that many of us did before we figured out what a healthy D/s relationship should look like. We all have made these type of mistakes when new. D|s-M is what is represented here on our site. Mr Fox and I went down the awful physical punishment route at first and it was terrible to say the. least and left us both feeling empty and not wanting to ever feel the way that made us BOTH feel when we tried it. But, you have to know what type of dynamic your Sir is going for.

-“My D thinks I need a correction which will include bare handed spanking or paddling, sex after, then my being held in my safe spot with him. To me, this sounds downright unappealing. He agrees that he doesn’t want to give this correction but sees it as necessary. I agree that I likely need a correction for lack of following some rules; however, I think his timing is bad.”

*THIS sounds like “domestic discipline” not D|s-M. What has he been reading and where? Sounds very “Red-Pill” as well. Not what we do or represent in D|s-M. Not that anyones way is wrong, but it’s NOT what we do here.

-“him telling me to remove my submissive day collar (a major blow as it’s a beautiful, custom made piece of jewelry) and taking some time to consider if having a D/s relationship is really what I want.”

*I feel like this is all has to do with inexperience and being a new Dom. Him taking this away I am sure was a blow! Your submission really shouldn’t be taken away unless you take it off. It’s not something that one takes away from another. It is a representation of your submission. You both I believe have to sit and set up your dynamic how you both want to. He can not be super DOM without knowing what you are comfortable with. You BOTH work on this relationship together and with our method. He is the leader but you are his co-pilot. You both set up things and communicate why you both want this to look like.

-“I’m not sure if he’s right, as I’ve never been in this position with him or anyone else before; but it feels wrong to me. Why do the correction if neither of us really want to do so, if it won’t make either one of us feel good? However, from all I’ve read corrections/punishments are included in a D/s relationship. Why does a D/s relationship need to have corrections/punishments at all? Can we have a D/s relationship without that?”

*Not matter wrong or right, ITS WRONG for you right now. No one can become the perfect sub in. 6 weeks… this takes time to build and TRUST is big issue. He has to give you time to trust … just like he needs your respect… AGAIN FOUNDATION posts will back this up. NO, you can have NO punishment… You can do funishments. He wants to use you in some scandalous way, like described above… great.. in a scene … NEVER INCLUDE SEX as a punishment or part of one. Thats stuff that will SHAKE and BREAK your marriage.  Here marriage CUMS first, both of you deciding what’s good for the marriage and using BDSM within it. This should be fun, overall.

-I’m also struggling with things like saying “yes sir” to a direction. I can say “yes” and immediately do it but adding the sir is really hard. It’s hard because he will correct our 4 year old the very next day, requesting she say “sir” too. That, and this correction, make me feel like a child. 

*This is normal, everyone has issue with this when new. You slowly will feel comfortable. Be patient with yourself. As with any child… THATS NOT PART OF ANY OF THIS OR RULES PERIOD!!!! NO ONE HERE WOULD support that EVER!!!! So, thats a DOWNTIME talk…. KIDDOS DO NOT APPLY TO ANY OF THIS!

-“I enjoy being submissive and pleasing him but there are a few things I’m really struggling to understand. Things that don’t feel right.”

*Tell him what you just said here. Never do anything that your heart feels is wrong.  You may later get there but for now only do what makes you feel good. Sit and make a list of things that will NOT work and things you want to work on together.

*I would say, ask him to register n husDOM.com and see how D|s-M works. See if he likes this style or our method of doing things. We really want everyone to succeed in achieving the magic D|s-M can give you. Saying that, warning, sometimes it will show you things in your marriage that are needing help to… But really this is a great marriage accessory … rewarding in all kinds of ways. I wish you both the best!

LK

[elsklingprema-norseman]

Hi Little Nymph and welcome. My Sir and I have been married 43 years and we started our D/s journey as a DD (domestic discipline) dynamic. This suited us then and that element still exists now. I think back and remember how different we both were when we began. I was a dyed in the wool submissive well before we met and had already had a serious bdsm relationship. He was vanilla but very dominant and controlling. I lived in ‘the closet’ for many years before I came out to Him as I just couldn’t suppress my submissive (and at times slavelike) desires anymore. Over the past 20 years of the DD we have morphed and changed but always to become more intense in S&M play. I have a vanilla Dom who runs our household like a drill sergeant and gets off on being called “Sir” and “Master” and has a list of rules that would make any grown submissive cringe. I had to figure it all out. I finally did some soul searching and said to myself “isn’t this what you want? A strong Dominant Sir?” Answer came back yes and I figured out how I could have my submissive soul fed and simultaneously feed His Dominance. I had to accept the fact that His needs are His and mine are mine and the two of us had to come together somewhere in the middle so both our needs would be met. So we did a LOT of talking. If there’s a limit we have to let our Sirs know what it is. That starts with us. Sometimes I have to ask myself if I really WANT this? Or do I just want to want this. And that can take time. So my experience is we need to communicate. Once we do and then figure out what we really want, what we can live with and what we cannot live without things begin to come together.

Nobody can tell you what to type of dynamic will work for you but my advice is take what you like and leave the rest. I wish you luck with your journey! Just remember there are two people involved and each has his or her own picture of what the D/s should look like. You just have to paint a picture for both of you. Hugs!