Are you kidding me right now?
We are in our seventh week of our D/s-M and the 3rd in person as I was traveling during the first month. We seem to be fitting things together really well. The rituals we have chosen are working well and my darling girl is working hard on her submissiveness. A couple of times I have felt my Dom get out of control or step in when it was not correct and I am continue to work on that. my darling girl has let her sub mindset slip and needed some help to get back into it. We are working full time on her self esteem, her sorrys, her feelings of self-worth. We cut the list of rules down to a much smaller set with most of the real stuff in principles. I have documented my expectations and we have reviewed them. All is going really really well. I could not be happier.
“Are you kidding me right now?”, that is the feeling I got from her on Friday night. All of a sudden we are experiencing a major drop in our D/s-M and I know who is to blame. One thing that has been occurring to me, that I frankly have been ignoring, is the question of, “Why are we doing this again?” It was so obvious just a few weeks ago but now I am at a loss. The sex is great, the feeling of dominance and her submission is wonderful. The toys arriving every few days excites us both. My DIY poly rope flogger was a huge hit and we have been working on how to install an under the bed restraint system. So what is going on?
It comes back to, “Why are we doing this again?” It all started with my darling girl sending me pictures on my trip of girls tied up. Nice black and whites in shibari knots. Very beautiful stuff. The pictures then got a bit more erotic as they included women fully restrained giving head to their partner or being man handled. She has always enjoyed being a little rough in the bedroom and this was a logical extension given our distance and desire for each other. Being the OCD programmer type that I am I started researching knots and how to tie breast restraints, full body restraints, etc.. This lead me to realizing that the world of D/s in the long term relationship existed and actually served a bigger purpose than fulfilling a man or a woman’s sexual fantasies. We talked about it and when I found husDom and LKs site we really talked seriously about entering the D/s-M relationship 24/7. We decided within 24 hours.
my darling girl, as with many subs, has suffered through some very emotionally painful and sometimes physically abusive relationships. She has had to raise her three kids without a partner and an ex-husband that was less than helpful. Her divorce was painful and filled her with distrust and anger. She is a very strong woman that refuses to be beholden to her ex and strives to be the best nurse and person she can be. I am truly amazed by her and what she has accomplished. But that just scratches the surface as this is not unusual in any woman’s life by her mid-40’s. Most women don’t come looking for 24/7 D/s-M although they may be looking for some D/s in the bedroom to spice things up. What makes my darling girls situation more unique is that she was at the site of the 2007 Trolley Square mass shooting. She was in a restaurant overlooking an outdoor courtyard when they heard the bangs. Looking out she watched as a man was gunned down next to a father and son who had already been shot. In total the shooter claimed the lives of 5 people in the shopping center before being forced to hole up when an off duty police officer with his pregnant wife returned fire. For 6 minutes my darling girl listened to what sounded like a barrage of gunfire and shotgun pumping. Most of the restaurant finally evacuated after hiding in the kitchen for the entire shootout and fortunately chose the right stairs as it turned out he was just outside of the other ones. Others stayed in the walk in freezer for several hours until SWAT found them. When my darling girl ran out of the building she ran right past the man she had watched get shot.
So now, take all the bad events in her life that usually everyone is able to cope with and put behind them and pour Trolley on top of them. Suddenly my love goes from a stress level of 3 to 9 in a heartbeat. It’s not that she hears gun shots every time a car back fires, but when she hears an ambulance siren or the kids are out later than expected or things just go sideways that her stress shoots up and she becomes a scared. But it extends beyond that too. Her feelings of distrust are affected by it too and self-worth and acceptance and and and. It has been next to impossible to effectively deal with any issues with the PTSD from Trolley making everything jump on its Richter scale.
So where did I screw up? You know I did, I know I did, every D/s-M that has problems is because the Dom drops the ball. So where did I mess up? When we dropped on Friday I did not stop our D/s but I took us to what I said was D/s-Lite. No real rules beyond the basics of letting me open her door, no rules can be broken, no punishments. Just a really long extended Downtime. I should have told her this so she knew (oh yea, I messed up again here…sigh) but I wanted the time to just listen and understand. It took until the next day before I got a handle on things and we formally reentered our D/s-M. So again, where did I go wrong?
my darling girl picked up my cold last weekend. Not my fault but even Mr. Fox asked in a chat if I was taking good care of her. As I sat there chatting with him my darling got up saying she was hungry and went to make herself dinner. Where was I? Chatting on husDom. I did realize my mistake and jumped up but it was really too late. This was the tip of the ice berg. The day before as she was on a conference call in the morning before going in to work and I literally sat with my work computer behind my personal computer as I chatted on husDom. This is not in line with my tenet that I will be disciplined in my behavior and conduct and that I will not lie. I was lying to my employer and showing my darling girl that I was more interested in husDom than in taking care of her or taking care of my responsibilities. Again though, this was the tip of the ice berg.
One of the agreements that we made was that since I work from home, and as one of her challenges is feeling like her home is in chaos, is that I will make sure the house is kept in order every day. It is not about cleaning as much as making sure that the house is in order, empty boxes taken out, the mail dealt with, the dishes cleaned up from the day, trash emptied, etc.. My love really needs to come home and feel like this is a safe place, that things are under control here. She needs me to step up as Dom and take control of the house. We have two children living at home so I can delegate…but I let it slide. For the entire past week she has been coming home and wondering where I was besides being on husDom and making up rules for her. It felt crazy one sided and her expectations of me, that I set, were not being met. Sure I was tracking her behavior, her adherence to the rules and helping her with her sorrys, but what was I holding myself accountable for?
We spent that 24 hours talking off and on. I told her we were in D/s-M lite but I really should have reassured her that I was fully committed and that this was just an extended Downtime. I made this mistake and I won’t do it next time. She needed to know we were OK as I found out afterwards that she was wondering not if our D/s-M was going to make but if WE were going to make it! In the end I reiterated what I thought I understood from her, what I needed to be doing better for her, to help her, to be a better husDom for her so that she could really trust me to help her with her issues and submit to my dominance. When we decided we were ready she knelt again for me. I can’t tell you how hard that 24 hours was for both of us but we both stuck through it and handled it with respect and communication. We went about our daily lives and spent time with family and talked. I know this will get easier and that I will do better. The commitment to 24/7 D/s-M is not a small one by any means and in fact in some ways greater than marriage. Going slow cannot be overstated enough. Go slow, talk a lot, talk some more, have downtime, make sure she knows what she can and can’t say and when. Talk more.
That is the great thing about this new dynamic. We were able to talk and work through things in a respectful way, in a way that we both knew we wanted to return to our Bliss as we call it. We love each other deeply and want the best for each other.