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Adding a 2nd Submissive – HELP
Dom and I have been talking for months about him adding a sub. Our dynamic is DDlg and I’m not really in to pain so the idea was to find more of a “pain sub” for him to have sessions with. In my understanding of it, this was to be strictly for “play” as he and I are in a committed relationship.
We found a sub that we agreed he would pursue and she seemed very open to the idea and respectful of our relationship. They started to talk more, go out etc with the purposes of getting to know each other before having a session. They discussed things like limits, rules etc and simply got to know each other with that purpose.
Then something else happened… they began texting all day everyday. They started to share a connection that was more than a friendship and I’m aware of this because my Dom has been very honest with me even sharing messages with me etc.
So far they’ve only had one actual session physically but their “relationship” via text has continued. It deeply worries me that he has FEELINGS for another woman. He says that it is simply the connection and it is good for the D/s play time they will share and that he could never love anyone but me. He wants to continue the relationship and include whatever boundaries I need.
I am normally not jealous at all but this is driving me CRAZY. Just today he asked how I felt about him picking her up after work and I got so angry. The submissive part of me really wants to please him and so even when he offered to completely end the relationship I said “No, I want to grow from this” … because his fullness just means so much to me.
But how the hell can I feel better about this? Anyone else add as sub to their relationship?
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6 Replies
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Hi Littlegirl 1021,
This community focuses on monogamy so I don’t think you will find many people with experience in this matter.
Good luck in your journey.
Staci -
I understand that you want him to be pleased and fulfilled but I think you should listen to your visceral reaction here. Some people are into sharing, swinging, poly, etc. And a lot of people are not. That’s not a bad thing and it doesn’t make you a bad partner or sub. It doesn’t sound to me like this was a positive change to your dynamic. There’s no need to force yourself to do something that doesn’t feel good to you.
It’s worth noting that submrs is focused on monogamous D/s and so that will be the message and dynamic promoted here.
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Hello Littlegirl1021,
I appreciate the courage it probably took to write this out. I don’t think I can really “help” you with this other than just being subportive, because we are all married and monogamous here because submrs promotes monogamy…and it is understood that our D/s dynamics are to enhance our marriages. I don’t know of any other member that has welcomed or even discussed the idea of adding another submissive into their marriage/dynamic. I know that I would never agree to it because to me, that would be no different than my Sir/husband asking me if he can have a girlfriend on the side; but I also know that my Sir would never ask that of me either. Our marriage comes before our D/s-M and we would not be willing to sacrifice our marriage for anything. I can totally understand how you would be jealous and concerned…that seems pretty natural to me. Since your Sir has made the offer…I guess maybe you should rethink removing the additional sub and focus on the two of you again? From what you’ve written, I don’t see how anything else would make you feel better about it.
Smooches,
Veruca -
Hello Littlegirl1021,
I really can’t add more that what has already been said. But I just wanted to send a “HUG” because it is obvious how much you are hurting. I would say remember this is a two way street where decisions should build a relationship and bring joy and happiness. If that is not happening, it is time to be honest with him about your feelings and emotions and reevaluate.
HUGS HUGS HUGS!
HoneyBee -
Oh dear. I understand the DDlg dynamic, sometimes I think that is an aspect of mine and Sir T’s relationship because of, well…me. Umm, after having said that, I am going to say this…I do NOT think that adding a 3rd person to any relationship is EVER a good idea! I have seen this done, and I have seen it absolutely destroy relationships. I should also add that come December, Sir T and I will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary and we have had aspects of this lifestyle in our marriage for well over a decade.
Now, to address some other aspects of your post. I “get” that you are not into pain and can say that can be an acquired taste. I can also tell you that I am more into “pain” type things now than I was years ago. I also “get” that often the reason pain is associated with the DDlg dynamic is due to the whole punishment side that can be in that dynamic. Umm, there ARE other ways of using punishment that are not centered around things like spanking, etc. Sometimes you just have to get a wee bit creative 😉 Years ago, I had to ask myself what a TRUE punishment for me would really be. Was it spanking? Umm…it COULD be and I think was in the beginning. But things changed…I changed. We both soon realized that sometimes I was a “brat” because THAT was exactly what I wanted 😉 Well, let’s think about that…if I’m out right disobeying my Sir, or blatently doing things that I KNOW will get me “in trouble”…that’s not always good for our relationship. So, I was tasked with finding something that was ACTUALLY a punishment and I came up with a few, but one of the easiest (and one I hated the most) was to be told to “shine the house”! I am NOT a domestic goddess, and I have a personal routine that works for keeping my house “presentable”, but not white glove clean. Bingo, we found what works.
I could share some things that worked for me if you really desire to bring in things like spanking but you have to “adjust” to it. I’m not 100% sure how to go about telling you this because I have no desire to write anything that could be deemed x rated, lol. But, here it goes. One thing that worked for me, in the very beginning, was for us to start out with the whole spanking thing with my underwear (just my underwear, and not a thong) on. It began with him rubbing my bottom and then smacking it, and then rubbing my bottom again 🙂 You begin to look forward to what follows that “smack”. And then we discovered a way to elaborate on that. Due to our DDlg dynamic, we found that it was technically possible for me to literally bend over his lap (especially in certain chairs we have) and that was fun. We also found that in many positions that left my behind in the air so to speak, he could not only rub my behind but his hands could also trail down to my nether regions. Let me just say that, with silk undies, that’s really not so bad.
I do wish you the absolute very best. I hope that damage has not already been done to your relationship, and I highly think that you and your Sir need to sit down and possibly rethink or reconsider some things.
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Our site promotes monogamy and does not encourage adding a third to have a poly relationship with. I have been doing TTWD for over 6 yrs now and I have never seen a relationship last like that for more then a year. I hope you find happiness in all you do.
lk
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