A little lost :/

[pearl]

Would he be willing to visit HusDom? There are lots of great Doms there and a lot of great information. But I will tell you what I have been told and find to be true…you can only fix yourself. Look deep inside yourself and see what you are doing to add to this problem and focus on fixing that. You really don’t need to be doing punishments until you are in a good place and both parties on on board completely. Have you read all of LKs blogs about how to begin? She has great advice for cleaning the slate and how to start slow. Look at the foundations blog and the pull down menu at the top of the page “Where to begin” for some great information.

[bluebelle]

He has looked at Husdom but he’s very closeted about everything especially our personal life, he encourages me to seek advice but wouldn’t think of it as an option for himself.
I have tried before now focusing on myself and being the best I could to help but he shut me out more and I constantly felt deflated.
I will read through LKs blogs and hopefully find a way to start with a clean slate and encourage my Sir to reach out to others for guidance, I hope we will be able to find our balance x

[guinevere-mr-sky]

Hello,

When we started 1 yr ago it was a similar situation. It made me frustrated, angry and kind of despondent at first. But we worked thru everything together had multiple downtimes per week and we do Ds/m 24/7. Now I am 60 so a traditional marriage was part of us for ever but this dynamic added a richness I can’t begin to tell you how worth it is was.

So that being said, Mr Sky (still wont allow me to call him Sir) was not into impact play, he wasn’t into punishments, He always deferred to me for decisions. I stopped that cold turkey. In downtime I told him that if this was his role I was wrong to take it away from him.It was as hard for me as it was for him. I cried many a tear here and LK and Belle made it so I could hang in there.

This like anything else requires commitment and change on both sides. But I can tell you I would have done it over again to get the relationship I have now with The love of my Life.

thinking of you
I wish you all the best

Guinevere

[bluebelle]

Thank you Guinevere, it makes me feel hopeful that someone else has had this obstacle and managed to get through it.

I’ve always been nervous about sharing and asking for help, which Has probably made it harder, so I’m hoping to use this site to help us through it.

[Sweets-CommunityMentor]

Blue Belle
You are not alone, I think that every submissive here on site has gone through this same scenerio. So glad that you took the chance and reached out for help or at least some helpful experience from others.

Like Guinevere said, it takes both parties to make it work. My sir does not like the make the menial decisions as he calls it, ( ie.. Where to go for dinner, what do you want to do for the day etc.) I will usually make a few suggestions and ask him to make the final decision. He always makes the final big family decisions, however we will work together on anything Financial… We too are tight with money so we try to make these decision together, I think what helps is that we both come up with ideas and thoughts and discuss together yet he ultimatley makes the final call! I do all the finances/bills in our home, but will still ask for help on keeping us on track. All this can be discussed in DOWNTIME and worked on together, like G said also it takes practice and patients to get on the same page.

We have been doing D/s-m for over 6 years now and I would not change it for the world. It took us a good year or so to finally get on the same page and work together as a whole. DO NOT give up just be patient and work together, downtime, rituals or rules etc. Come to the newbie live chats to meet others, you would be surprised how many are in the same boat. Does your sir get on HusDOM? he can find alot of help over there also.

Check out this post that LK has suggested. If you need any further help you can reach out to LK or myself on chat or message us at : LK@submrs.com or sweetness@submrs.com

Hugs to you girl and way to go reaching out!!
Sweetness

https://submrs.com/dominants-direction/

Dominant’s Direction |Lights, Camera & Action!

[bluebelle]

Thank you sweets, I’m glad so many people have got past this, we have tried before but I think there was too much going out beyond both our controls for it to work, and my Sir was overwhelmed with life and just couldn’t take the role needed.
He has been going to HusDom and doing some reading which I think is helping, I am hoping he’ll reach out and chat to people, because you can’t beat real life advice and a good talk 🙂

I’m more than happy to take part in decisions, which is happening now and he is making the final decision, before he would ummm and arrr after we talked about our choices, for about 20 minutes, before saying “I really don’t know you just decide” I’m so glad this has stopped 🙂

Knowing people have been there and got through and seeing the difference in Sir with us being in better places is all amazing 🤩

My phone doesn’t seem to like the chats though I have tried a few times 🙁

[baby9-daddy9]

Bluebelle…I introduced this lifestyle to my husband as well, and can appreciate our expectation for our Sirs to jump right in to what seems so natural for us. I encourage you to not rush the 24/7 dynamic and introduce new ideas slowly. You are very right that confidence is almost a requirement (in my opinion) for a Dom, but when moving from the vanilla world, which is often the only thing they have known, the “taboo” ideas of dominance can be scary. Ease your mind that you are being a good sub by being patient and supportive to your Sir in his journey. You got this girl!

Side note, if applies, D/s doesn’t HAVE to mean S/m. I have a DaddyDom and he doesn’t do painful punishment or correction often. Pain is reserved for the bedroom. Maybe this is a dynamic that would be worth investigating for your Sir.

Best of luck sub-sister…