- February 7, 2019 at 11:09 am #31714
Me and my Sir really enjoy D/s in the bedroom and would love to bring it into our everyday but We seem to get lost.
I see him with the kids and how strict he can be and from the bedroom I know there’s a very dominant man in him but daily he’s got no confidence.
If there’s any kind of decision to make he decides I have to decide and he’s always passing everything to me.
When I’m ill etc he’s amazing and thoughtful but when I’m not he’s very passive, and any decision he does make isn’t thought through and normally isn’t realistic, and I end up having to counter him with logic to a realistic option (like what should we do today? He’ll say “we can go do this expensive thing?” And i have to say “no we can’t we don’t have money”) and I feel like me doing this doesn’t help his dominant headspace but then I can’t not do it cus it’s stuff we physically can’t do, which he knows but doesn’t think :/
I have spoken to him about this and it always goes the same way but doesn’t change, he also struggles with coming away from it sexually, while I was pregnant he wouldn’t do any of it because he can’t find non sexual punishments, he has tried to get me to do research for him but doesn’t get that me telling him how to punish me really isn’t the way :/
I’m wondering if I should just give up on this or if anyone has been here and managed through it?
I was the one who bought the style into our relationship and would be sad to give up the hope for it to work but I’m feeling a little hopeless 🙁
- February 7, 2019 at 11:43 am #31715pearl/BayoWolfModeratorPremium subMrs™
Would he be willing to visit HusDom? There are lots of great Doms there and a lot of great information. But I will tell you what I have been told and find to be true…you can only fix yourself. Look deep inside yourself and see what you are doing to add to this problem and focus on fixing that. You really don’t need to be doing punishments until you are in a good place and both parties on on board completely. Have you read all of LKs blogs about how to begin? She has great advice for cleaning the slate and how to start slow. Look at the foundations blog and the pull down menu at the top of the page “Where to begin” for some great information.
- February 7, 2019 at 11:56 am #31716
He has looked at Husdom but he’s very closeted about everything especially our personal life, he encourages me to seek advice but wouldn’t think of it as an option for himself.
I have tried before now focusing on myself and being the best I could to help but he shut me out more and I constantly felt deflated.
I will read through LKs blogs and hopefully find a way to start with a clean slate and encourage my Sir to reach out to others for guidance, I hope we will be able to find our balance x
- February 7, 2019 at 1:36 pm #31717Guinevere/Mr SkyParticipantPremium subMrs™
When we started 1 yr ago it was a similar situation. It made me frustrated, angry and kind of despondent at first. But we worked thru everything together had multiple downtimes per week and we do Ds/m 24/7. Now I am 60 so a traditional marriage was part of us for ever but this dynamic added a richness I can’t begin to tell you how worth it is was.
So that being said, Mr Sky (still wont allow me to call him Sir) was not into impact play, he wasn’t into punishments, He always deferred to me for decisions. I stopped that cold turkey. In downtime I told him that if this was his role I was wrong to take it away from him.It was as hard for me as it was for him. I cried many a tear here and LK and Belle made it so I could hang in there.
This like anything else requires commitment and change on both sides. But I can tell you I would have done it over again to get the relationship I have now with The love of my Life.
thinking of you
I wish you all the best
- February 7, 2019 at 2:26 pm #31718
Thank you Guinevere, it makes me feel hopeful that someone else has had this obstacle and managed to get through it.
I’ve always been nervous about sharing and asking for help, which Has probably made it harder, so I’m hoping to use this site to help us through it.
- February 8, 2019 at 1:18 am #31724Sweets/MrB P.A.KeymasterPremium subMrs™
You are not alone, I think that every submissive here on site has gone through this same scenerio. So glad that you took the chance and reached out for help or at least some helpful experience from others.
Like Guinevere said, it takes both parties to make it work. My sir does not like the make the menial decisions as he calls it, ( ie.. Where to go for dinner, what do you want to do for the day etc.) I will usually make a few suggestions and ask him to make the final decision. He always makes the final big family decisions, however we will work together on anything Financial… We too are tight with money so we try to make these decision together, I think what helps is that we both come up with ideas and thoughts and discuss together yet he ultimatley makes the final call! I do all the finances/bills in our home, but will still ask for help on keeping us on track. All this can be discussed in DOWNTIME and worked on together, like G said also it takes practice and patients to get on the same page.
We have been doing D/s-m for over 6 years now and I would not change it for the world. It took us a good year or so to finally get on the same page and work together as a whole. DO NOT give up just be patient and work together, downtime, rituals or rules etc. Come to the newbie live chats to meet others, you would be surprised how many are in the same boat. Does your sir get on HusDOM? he can find alot of help over there also.
Hugs to you girl and way to go reaching out!!
- February 20, 2019 at 2:20 pm #33993
Thank you sweets, I’m glad so many people have got past this, we have tried before but I think there was too much going out beyond both our controls for it to work, and my Sir was overwhelmed with life and just couldn’t take the role needed.
He has been going to HusDom and doing some reading which I think is helping, I am hoping he’ll reach out and chat to people, because you can’t beat real life advice and a good talk 🙂
I’m more than happy to take part in decisions, which is happening now and he is making the final decision, before he would ummm and arrr after we talked about our choices, for about 20 minutes, before saying “I really don’t know you just decide” I’m so glad this has stopped 🙂
Knowing people have been there and got through and seeing the difference in Sir with us being in better places is all amazing 🤩
My phone doesn’t seem to like the chats though I have tried a few times 🙁
- February 20, 2019 at 7:35 pm #33995baby9/DADDY9ParticipantRegistered subMrs™
Bluebelle…I introduced this lifestyle to my husband as well, and can appreciate our expectation for our Sirs to jump right in to what seems so natural for us. I encourage you to not rush the 24/7 dynamic and introduce new ideas slowly. You are very right that confidence is almost a requirement (in my opinion) for a Dom, but when moving from the vanilla world, which is often the only thing they have known, the “taboo” ideas of dominance can be scary. Ease your mind that you are being a good sub by being patient and supportive to your Sir in his journey. You got this girl!
Side note, if applies, D/s doesn’t HAVE to mean S/m. I have a DaddyDom and he doesn’t do painful punishment or correction often. Pain is reserved for the bedroom. Maybe this is a dynamic that would be worth investigating for your Sir.
Best of luck sub-sister…
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