Safe Words, Check Ins | Terminology in D/s-M

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Safe Words, Check Ins

Terminology in D/s-M

~submissive wife, subMrs~

~Married Domination and submission~

**This is about enriching your sexual skills and your marriage’s sensual communication

What is a safe word in Domination and submission?

This is a prearranged word that is a cue or definitive signal to end any sexual activity, between a dominant and submissive.

This definition basically answers the why and what. Yet there is so much more to discuss about safe words. A safe word is your safety net and is ESSENTIAL! It is there to keep you from harm, emotionally and physically. In a Domination/submission marriage dynamic we want to include the safe word not only sexual interactions but any interaction. Your safe word not only lets your husDOM know when to stop but it also lets him know that you have some type of issue with what is happening with your mind in play or scene. Physically, things can heal but your mind or emotions can be harmed permanently. We want to do NO HARM to our marriages, this is why Mr. Fox and I include any situation between a husDOM and subMrs in safe wording.

Safe Words & Using Red

How do I pick a safe word. Well. you choose a word that you know you can remember no matter what is happening to your mind and body.

 You can use RED, as your safe word. It is what I found works best for me. If I am completely wrapped up in whats happening to me, I can remember to use this word, no matter what.

When You Forget

Many times NEW submissives or subMrs that do not play consistently, can basically forget to use their safe words when in their heads, or have new sub anxiety, during scening. If you saw Fifty Shades of Grey, toward the end, no pun intended (snicker..), Anastasia, ask for Christian to show her the worst, show her a real physical punishment. Christian, shows her, expects her to remember her safe word. second movie or book, He did not remind her before punishment began, as any good Dominant should. The scene goes bad and she leaves him. We expect the end of the relationship! Spoiler alert, next movie, they cum back together, they talk and realize that she had a safe word but did not use it, therefore, going through all the drama over a forgotten safe word.

Dominant Safe Wording 

I have to mention your Dominant may need to stop your scene or any type of interaction that maybe happening between you, if it’s not safe, sane and consensual. Some examples, you are scening and you have gone to your happy place or subspace, if you’re like me, your body can betray you and let things go further then you may want to wake up to later. Some submissives will push their Dominant and do things to get punished during scenes to show off or force negative interaction. Forcing your Sir will only leave a bad taste for D/s-M in his mouth. Say you push, he responds in anger and notices he is angry and feels out of control, he has to STOP the scene. How about you had a few glasses of wine during the evening and you started to play, drinking and play are a NO-NO, yet sometimes people will take part in spirits beforehand. Maybe, you are not able to let him know what’s really happening. With my experiences and others, I could keep going but I think every submissive gets the idea now.

When a safe word is NOT a word.

Safe words can not be words at all. When you are playing or scening you may have something in your mouth, a gag, where you can not speak. Set up for these instances ahead of time in your DOWNTIMES. One example is you have a bit or ball gag in your mouth. You have to have a way to speak to your husDOM. You can use submissive-signals. Have a ball or item you can drop as a cue. If you are bound and your hands can not be seen to signal, we have used a number of “grunts” when he checks in. Otherwise, the best thing is for your Dominant to be hyper aware and conscious of what is happening with you, how Sir and I think is best is where he puts his finger inside my hand, if I squeeze I am good to go or GREEN, when I am struggling or YELLOWING, need things to slow, I squeeze and let off quickly several times. If I do not respond, things stop and it means the same as RED.

What is Check In or Checking In?

Quickly, lets define what a check in or checking in means.  During a scene or play the Dominant will ask you if you are feeling ok or where you are in your tolerances or pleasure scale, 1-10. He may even just ask you your safe word checking you are coherent. The Dominant will use your response along with visual cues of your breathing and skin reaction to judge how your scene is progressing. You, the submissive is giving him clues along the way. Again, the Dominant can squeeze your hand if you are gaged and can not respond verbally. Two squeezes your good, One you are in trouble or you work out something between yourselves beforehand. The best way Mr. Fox and I have found to check in is to use the “traffic signal method.” Or “Red, Yellow and Green.” Using these words as a CHECK IN are much like a stop light. Green’s meaning, “I am Okay and keep going” or “I can take things harder”, “More please, Sir”. Yellow meaning “slow down” or “requesting speaking due to a discomfort” without stopping the scene. Red meaning to “stop the scene”.

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Your Responsibilty as the submissive

Use your words, this is the subs responsibility. Can make a scene and feed your husDOM, Dominant. Express how excited you are or even that your skin on your back/ass/ect… are really sore and hot. Take  time to share about numb limbs or any other discomforts you may not have noticed until this request to check in. If you need water or a break, do not be afraid to say so. It doesn’t make you any less of a submissive for requesting time-outs. If ever frightened, call RED. Some of the best scenes between Sir and I are when I have asked for a few minutes recovery then started again. Regarding subspace, as you gain more experience in scenes you will be able to identify what subspace is to you. Every submissive has different tolerances and you will be able to cue your Sir if you go too deep into subspace.

If you ever feel dizzy or a sudden weakness, you call RED immediately. Many times submissives’ will be nervous and not eat before a scene, you know your body and it will perform better with preparation so eat something small before play.  Warning, if you suffer from hypoglycemia do your self and your Sir a favor make sure you take care of yourself and have small sugar treat or orange juicehandy. ALL SUBS, HYDRATE, hydrate and hydrate some more, start the night before.

WHEN HE FORGETS

The submissive has to keep communicating even when her Dominant forgets. So use your red, yellow and green. After voluntarily doing so, he will be reminded of his check ins. If you use your “safe word” and he doesn’t respond then yell RED, that gets their attention very quickly. Discuss in downtime. Always, BETTER SAFE THEN SORRY! 

**I did this post today in our colors, Americans. I believe that this country is the BEST place in the world to live and be born, Sub-port our flag, be a patriot. Take a STAND! (between Kneeling of course.) Make America Great Again! 

HUGS!

~Little Kaninchen~

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Responses

  1. Thanks LK. Another great post. Some great ideas to chat about during DT.

    I recently became very involved in play, I was really enjoying myself and lost track of my body. I forgot to yellow when things were getting a little too much. I actually didn’t realise until it was too much and had to red. First time I have had to red. I felt really guilty. It knocked Sirs confidence around because (of course) he doesn’t want to hurt me (you know what I mean, the wrong way..). Since then I have used green often to show I am paying attention to my body.

    We will have to get in the habbit of checking in.

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