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What is a true submissive and a D/s-M lifestyle?
(What is written below is my opinion only and you may not all agree with it and that is cool I wouldn’t expect you to.)
To be submissive is different for everyone for some it could be for some kinky sexual fantasy, for weekend role playing or they only want to let go of the control when they want too. For others in the D/s lifestyle it can go much deeper than any of the above. Let me explain in my opinion why I say this.
A sexual submissive to me is someone who wants the kink or fetish. They want the works when it comes to being restrained, spanked, blindfold, humiliated, flogged or whatever their fetish may be and they will give up control. But once the sexual act is completed they want to go back to the husband and wife, they may give up some control sometimes out of the bedroom but not complete control. Do they want their Sir/Master/Mistress controlling what they do after the sex? Do they want to serve their Dom/Master/Mistress after the sex? I don’t believe so not for the long term. I’m not saying this is not D/s it is, but only in the bedroom but if you want it as a D/s-M lifestyle you have to give up the control outside the bedroom door completely. What I mean by completely is you that you will only have the control your Sir/Master/Mistress allows you to have out of that bedroom.
A role playing submissive to me are men or women submissive’s who like to play submissive for a few hours either in real life or online. They get the high of calling someone Sir/Master/Mistress and love to get dress up to play out the role for those few hours to let go of day to day stress. They like only to play out the fantasy of being a submissive and have no true Dom/Master. They never have to worry about being told they did something wrong or have to live up to a submissive standard that a Dom/Master would expect. Once the role play time is over that’s it they go back to the normal husband and wife.
There is nothing wrong with either one of these but is it a true D/s-M lifestyle? I don’t think so, it is being submissive yes, but on specific terms and will not go any farther than that if you want more. Do you say that you’re a true submissive? Do you say you are in a true D/s relationship? I would say no! Because in a true D/s relationship between a husband and a wife takes a lot of hard work and deep down devotion and it has to have commitment and true meaning to both. Either role sub/Dom is not a part time job. It’s a true lifestyle that you put your heart and soul into even when you hit those nasty potholes along the journey. And when this happens, your dedication to your submission/dominance should only get stronger not weaker, to overcome the obstacle!
Now the true submissive to me serves from the heart and soul of their being they need too.It’s not about the kinky sex. They don’t need their Sir/Master/Mistress telling them to do something, they do it willingly, eagerly, gladly with pride from within themselves. They will take care of their Sir/Master/Mistress needs sometimes before the Sir/Master/Mistress realizes what that need is. They don’t need to be praised for what they did the praise comes from knowing that they made their Sir/Master/Mistress comfortable or eased the burden that they may have had that day at work. When their Sir/Master/Mistress calls them they stop what they’re doing and goes gladly. If their Sir/Master/Mistress gives them tasks to do even if they don’t like it they will complete it without question. They know that there will be a time and place (Downtime to us) that they can voice their opinion freely without question or judgement. It’s the expression on the Sir/Master/Mistress face, the light in their eyes or the touch of their hand through your hair that is praise enough and will please a submissive more than an award or promise a Sir/Master/Mistress could give a submissive. A true submissive will always wake up thinking what I can do for my Sir/Master/Mistress today and what can I do before their bedtime. These are the things that drive a true submissive, in her heart, mind, body and soul. To feel needed and wanted and in return your Sir/Master/Mistress will love, cherish, protect you and care for you and that is all a true submissive needs. A true submissive will learn about the D/s lifestyle to become a better submissive not for her Sir/Master/Mistress but for themselves. This is what a true submissive is in a D/s lifestyle. Because: “True strength from within lies in submission which permits one to dedicate their life, through devotion, to something beyond themselves.”
Below is for the submissive that has been married for the last 15+ years:
What I think we all tend to forget or I did, is that these are all the things we use to do in our new vanilla marriage or even if we first lived together, we were a team, loved one another, trusted one another, respected each other, communicated. We was open with each other, praised each other, we shared responsibility together, did things for one another without ever being asked too. So in some ways we were submissive to our partner back then but as time went on we became separated and fought for power in the relationship or just didn’t give a damn anymore because we got lost and forgotten and took it upon ourselves to act. So what has changed? “Controlling Power” We now have given over total control (the power exchange) to one person our Sir/Master/ Mistress who will be the dominant one and have the final say on what will be… will be! In return we are happy and our love for each other is stronger than it was the first time around. Oh! And the additive is the Kinky sex which is the bonus for us both to enjoy!
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15 Replies
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this LT. It is so true about getting lost, forgotten and not giving a damn anymore! I am working so hard to get there and am amazed at how qickly things have turned around.
As always I love reading your thoughts and insight…they help me in my over all journey, reminding me of the path and the ultimate destination!-
Thanks Rachelle and I learn something everyday from all you new subs as well. You keep me going in a positive direction in my submission. And remind me of how hard it was in the beginning to want this journey for me and my Sir. That the harder you work at it the stronger you become, the unity between Dom and sub, the emotions you show each other,the respect for one another and the beauty of the D/s relationship as a whole… really is worth it all.
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Great post LT. As always i love to read your thoughts about TTWD. Your take on it.
Thank you-
Thank you Flower.
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Great post LT! Couldn’t agree with you more. Kinky sex is a bonus…but it goes so much deeper.
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…we were a team, loved one another, trusted one another, respected each other, communicated. We were open with each other, praised each other, we shared responsibility together, did things for one another without ever being asked too. …We now have given over total control (the power exchange) to one person our Sir/Master/Mistress who will be the dominant one and have the final say on what will be… will be! In return we are happy and our love for each other is stronger than it was the first time around. Oh! And the additive is the Kinky sex which is the bonus for us both to enjoy!
I think that this is the reason I feel so comfortable and whole in a D/s relationship. I’ve always loved serving and taking care of him. And from the beginning love, trust, respect, communication, and honesty have always been constant in our relationship. Early in our relationship there were things he asked me to take over like the finances and household chores. Now, it’s still my job to balance the accounts and track the money but he has the final say on how our money is spent; I still tend to the household chores but he schedules my tasks for the day. I no longer have to worry about the many things that need doing because that’s no longer my job. He makes allowances and adjustments for my irregular energy levels. At the end of the day I feel I have done enough because I have done what he’s wanted. He’s even teaching me to accept and value praise. I am enough, because he says so.
Thank you LT for this wonderful post.
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Yes Beth it is the whole reason I believe we do this and it brings peace, secuirity, tranquility, to us as submissives and to our Dom. It’s a blessing in disguise and something other vanilla wives should really try to understand. Thanks for your comment Beth.
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Thanks lt
The kinky sex is the icing on the cake but not why I am came to this. That’s why I couldn’t just start in the bedroom and work my way out. It wasn’t what I needed in this.
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I agree Princess the kinky sex is just the topping of it all. Take it slow Princess and have patience and it will happen. If you said this 2 months ago I would have had doubts but I’ve seen you grow out here lately and your attitude has changed to the positive lady. Keep working on yourself and the rest will follow with your Sir. Make your Sir believe in what he see in you and your positive adjustments and it will only change him along the way. Keep it up girl.
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Everyone has a different perspective of what true submission is and what the D/s lifestyle is. Your views will also change as you go further into your dynamics… Regarding the LIFESTYLE: I advise everyone… read take what you can from each dynamic you read about. Take the things that work for you at your stage of D/s. Your needs/wants will change all the time. Not one dynamic can be measured by another… We will all compare, that’s human. But the D/s scale can not measure one’s dynamic with another’s it is impossible. Enjoy each step you take and know it is all team work.
Regarding true submission:
What I believe is on my blog posts… Read the foundations posts and the tools posts in the blog.
Work on yourself… Strive to be better you. Mirror… Be open to hear things and see things in yourself that you may not be proud of. Admit to these things and Break the bad habits of your old vanilla wifely ways. You will be so proud after you show your true vulnerably. After you have success please pass it forward be there for the next new submissive..BE POSITIVE and sub-portive!
HUGS! LK -
LK I agree with what you say about ” different perspective of what true submission is and what the D/s lifestyle is.” Also that it will change as it grows. You know I’m always humble on what you say about D/s and I’ve learnt so much in the process because it makes me think about my D/s and submission. Because you live it and do it and you’re honest about it always good or bad. I also think every sub out here that just registers and is new to D/s should read every post that describes how and what to do when starting out in this journey before jumping on chat or reading the forum section. Because if they did they would understand what it is that they need to do in the beginning and have the right questions to ask you, the important ones. Thank you for your comment xoxoxo
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LT, thank you for the wonderful post! You write with such clarity and beauty 🙂 What you have written resonates strongly with what my thoughts about the topic as well.
D/s-M offers a unique opportunity for a couple to grow in their relationship because they now put on new lens through which they use to see the world. These new lens can bring into focus challenges that need to be worked on that they would have not seen with their vanilla lens.
Like you said, it takes lots of honesty, devotion and patience to work through the challenges together but it’s so worth it in the end.
<3
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What a wonderful heart & soul shares ..thanks to all
agree totally, Learn all you can , read all you can , chat…but, in the end its You & Sirs alone. It a original, one of a kind ! I also want to share yes LT, I can see it changing as it grows , goes thru what life throws at you , health issues and YES, Ill say it you age . LK so elegantly puts it , D/s has no age barriers ! ! Just because , I might not or be able to be suspended , don’t look great in a thong ( why someone wants a string in there butt I don’t know LMAO) , boops are more south than north… You can Live , breath, cherish, ROCK a d/s marriage , life style ! My Sir sees a 10 ! Thats all that matters, CS
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Thank you for your comment CS, love your outlook and positivity.
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I was quite intrigued by what you wrote, LT. I definitely agree that control and how we all view it is one of the guiding principles in a D/s relationship or marriage. Pre D/s we were constantly jockeying for power. In vanilla marriages it’s always a struggle as to who does what, gets to make the weighty decisions, and even initiates sex! I warrant that these petty struggles are responsible for the majority of break-ups and divorces today. Nobody wants to back down and appear weak. When in reality, ceding control to the Master of the household allows so much more calmness, happiness, and love to freely flow. Peace once more reigns in the Kingdom! But modern men (and women for the most part) are so terribly stubborn. It is very sad. I have never felt so loved and cherished by Sir as when we started down this path and he began disciplining me with love and taking back His rightful place as Head of the home.
It’s still hard sometimes – I am very bratty and stubborn. And I have a negative self-image. But Sir loves me and He thinks I am beautiful. I’m not sure why. But I have to trust in His judgment and know that it is true. I mess up all the time and fall from grace constantly. He yells at me (or worse) and then the make-up sex is awesome. It was never like that before! I never even really liked sex before! It was a dreaded chore. But Sir taking command and being the real man of our house and keeping me in my place is such a huge turn-on for me. Sometimes I can hardly wait for Him to get home – and I assure you, that never occurred in the past. And I am far older than any of you. But I don’t feel old any more. I feel young and nobody who meets me can believe I’m as old as I am. So D/s keeps you young, people!
Thanks, LT for a most thought-provoking post.
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