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Introver vs extrovert
Hello all! I am in a new D/s relationship with my husband of 2 years. We have tried this before and it was so difficult. Master for sure is a Dom, and I just am a Sub. We even were when we didn’t know we were, lol. Now we are back in again and definitely better for sure. He is a natural introvert, I am an extreme extrovert Scorpio, strong woman. I feel his expectations of me are to be more introverted. It is tearing me up, it feels like a punishment. I know that it’s not but silence and less social activity makes me sad. Any thoughts are advice out there? Thank you much!
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9 Replies
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Have you tried talking to him during downtime about how sad and stifled it makes you feel? Sir and I have not been doing this long, (though we have been very happily married for 14) but one thing we have for sure noticed is how it brings out more thoughts about the care of each other. So in your world…you giving up sound, talking, expression, and social activities for him. But then in turn, him recognizing the sacrifice it is for you and making sure to give you time to talk (downtime is great, but maybe giving you a chance to signal when you really need more downtime, just not when it works for him always), or be a socialite. Him wanting to make you happy and you wanting the same for him. You both understanding neither of your ideal worlds will be perfect, but being happy with the time you get and joy of making each other happy…this is the feeding cycle LK talks about I think….but in more marriage terms than just D/s I suppose. Your Master adores and worships you, if this is hurtful, he will work to find ways to make it work for you, but without releasing the leash he holds.
Keep letting us know how it is going.
Hugs,
Kytcha -
Thank you Kytcha. Yes key is communication, to an introvert does not come so easy. Yes he listens to me talk about, yes I do believe he does adores me. And does a lot to make me happy. I love talking to other women that are in a successful marriage, every step is such a learning process. So your response is much appreciated. My Master is everything I could have imagined, but communication is like pulling teeth. We have our downtime, we own a business together (24/7), and have lots of conversations, but when he is OFF. He is OFF. I have tried to do much research between introvert and extroverted personalities, to be more understanding. Being social for me, is relaxing. D/s has helped him a lot to communicate but he thinks surprises are more fun than talking about it first. I like surprises like any women, but information is cool too. Maybe I need to study breathing techniques instead lol!
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And as I was writing my last post, I realized what is upsetting me the most. He can spend hours talking on husdom.com about us, but never tells me what he has figured out, he says he will write to me but doesn’t, then the bedroom is passionate erotic a step in the right direction, but silent. Only to watch him pick up his phone and communicate his thoughts to others. I tell him, but I am thinking he just can’t. Then it sends me into a whirl wind of … did I respond wrong, did he like it? So I try real hard to chalk it up to I tr overt, but it still leaves me confused! Thank you again for listening.
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Hmm, perhaps if we look at this more in terms of him not talking to you, we can see the start of many of your frustrations. I know I would be going crazy! So you are holding out much better than me. 🙂 Him, being Master, do you think he can not talk to you as he would be showing a sign of weakness? As a submissive I have seen many (not here at LK’s) reprimand us for wanting our Dom’s to be mind readers and not telling them or talking to them enough….but then I don’t believe we are suppose to be mind readers either. When in play or a scene, the surprise is fun of course…and I know they enjoy it as well. But you have to have a time to turn that off so you, as well as he, are able to put all your cards on the table without fear, without judgement; only love, understand, and giving. As sub-missives perhaps this is easier for us. Perhaps I have missed the mark completely.
Keep talking, I will try to check in more often and hopefully others will chime in with their brilliant experiences. 😉
Hugs!
Kytcha -
Thank you Kytcha, yes you hit the nail on the head. A sign of weakness.I reassured him it wasn’t and I would only respect him more. And I would be a better me, for understanding and learning. One day at a time. 🙂
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Awww Treasure. I hope your downtime with your Master went well and you can begin to move forward. It certainly won’t solve everything, so I hope we hear more from you again, 🙂 but it is a start. You are right, one day at a time.
Thank you for letting me participate in this forum with you. You remind me to sweep away the vanilla to do’s that want to take over and come back to being my Beast’s submissive and striving to be a better me.
<3
Kytcha -
Hello Treasure
When we start or restart D/s it is hard to share and let go some of the misconceptions about what we think being a Dom and a sub is: and while there are certain things that we all need to do, such as showing respect for example, the first 6 months is a steep learning curve and a time to identify personal issues and expectations, to let them some go, to to look at your lives to identify what you both need and to NEGOTIATE what your D/s looks like. Many new Doms have to overcome social barriers as well as personal ones, and they carry in their heads what they think they should be. The fact is that they have to learn to be the Dom you need in the same way we have to be the subs that our Doms need. It takes time, and I can’t emphasise enough just how important communication is. LadyBirds Master and I have now been in D/s for 3 months and we have gone through the process of Formal acceptance and negotiated what our D/s looks like. But my Sir still has problems communicating and when it comes to things that he doesn’t know he is quite reluctant to speak until he has done research.
As for extrovert or introvert, these are personality traits that are inherent to you both – any attempt to change your personality will never be successful. Take as much downtime as you need to discuss what you hope to achieve from D/s and what you both need to do to get there – but remember to always be yourself. We struggle at the beginning but it just keeps getting better every time you surmount a road block.
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Have you considered each taking a Meyers Briggs type of personality assessment and sharing the results or even taking it with the observing while you answer? There are plenty of them online that are free. It may really help for him to see in black and white what makes tick so to speak. It shows “feelings” in a more concrete, objective way and encourages conversation and better understanding. Even though you each already know the introvert/ extrovert component you might be surprised at other characteristics that become apparent.
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Treasure, I too have a Sir that is much more an introvert. I am more of an extrovert. I need quiet when I first wake up after that I am wide open. After 26 years of being married and then bringing D/s into our lives, I am finding my self in areas of frustration all over again. Mainly because I am so excited to find others like us. My Sir prefers that I tell him what I want or desire with out using others names when I bring up something I want to try. I am learning to ask for things based on that. One way I communicate with Sir is too write it to him in a text. He then has time to research it and think about it. Patience seems to be even more critical for me know than it was. My sir has learned over the years that I need social input, I have learned to mention less names of people he doesn’t know and just talk to him about small amounts of my social interactions. At first it was very frustrating I wanted him to be accepting of all my input at once, that was too much information. Things are slowly improving. I don’t know that I have helped you much, but just wanted to let you know that I understand and to encourage you that we all are still learning and growing in D/s-M and that it is worth our struggles to learn acceptance and acceptance. I mentally tell myself SOAP alot. LK had a post about SOAP. As I thought about what that means it has become so very important to me. Hope to hear from you soon.
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